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Put a Paper Bag Over Her Head

The majority of you have heard the saying, “just put a paper bag over her head and she’ll look fine!” I know I have heard this saying thousands of times. You will usually hear this saying when you are around some dudes and encounter a woman whose physical appearance fits the description of a “butterface.” For those of you who are unaware of what a “butterface” is, it is a woman who is generally considered physically attractive in every category, “but her face.”
 
I usually hear this phrase being used in a variety of 2 scenarios.
 
Scenario #1: Some people utilize the saying as a joke. For example, you are with one of your male friends and they point out a “butterface” to you and say, “hey, that girl would be better looking if you put a paper bag over her head.” They conclude this statement by looking at you as if they are expecting you to laugh at this over-used joke. When this happens, I usually give them a sympathy smile and a laugh that probably sounds like, “heh……..heh……..ha.” When they are no longer looking at me I shake my head, roll my eyes and wonder how many freaking times I have heard that joke in my lifetime.
 
Scenario #2: Other dudes use this phrase in more serious fashion. It usually emerges when you are having a “would you do her?” conversation with someone. For example, you are with one of your male friends and you encounter a “butterface.” The topic of “would you do her” is brought up and your friend states that he would do her if she were wearing a paper bag on her head. These situations are different than scenario #1 because it doesn’t leave you standing there feeling like you need to give your friend a few sympathy laughs. You basically just come to the conclusion that this person would seriously have sex with the female being discussed, if and only if she was wearing a paper bag on her head.
 
I just experienced scenario #2 recently.
 
One of my friends and I were at Wal-Mart and we were standing in the checkout line behind a blonde girl who had a pretty decent looking body. My friend whispered to me, “look at the ass on that girl in front of us! What do you think, Swaff? Would you would hit that?” My friend didn’t know this, but I had seen this girl earlier in the canned food aisle and wasn’t impressed by her physical appearance. I did not find her attractive because according to her face she appeared as if she could be Freddy Krueger’s younger sister. I replied with, “nah man, I saw her face earlier and noticed that she bore a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger.” My friend responded with, “well I don’t care what her face looks like. I would definitely do her. All you have to do is put a paper bag over her head and it would be all good.” There was no doubt in my mind that if my friend was given the opportunity to have sex with this woman sporting a paper bag on her head, he would totally do it. (Just to make it clear, the “would you hit that” conversation is common dude talk, and I wouldn’t under any circumstances cheat on my girlfriend.)
 
When I hear this saying in the context of scenario #1, I am able to understand the joke. Sure, the joke has been excruciatingly over-told by half of the world’s population, but I get the punch line of the joke, which is, “the girl’s body is hot, but her face is not.” Derp-derp-dee-derp. Scenario #2 has always left me scratching my head though. I don’t care how unattractive a woman’s face may be, I have never met a girl that a paper bag for a head would do any sort of justice for. If I encountered a woman who happened to be wearing a paper bag over her head, she would appear less human to me. I’ve never met a girl who I truly believed would be better looking if she were less human. Whenever someone recites the paper bag saying to me, I briefly imagine the woman who we are discussing naked, running around clueless and aimlessly with a paper bag on her head, bumping into things and knocking shit over like a jackass. It is a very weird thought and in most cases I would rather not have it.
 
I also think it would be difficult to successfully get it on with an attractive girl if she were wearing a paper bag on her head. My girlfriend, Krystal is pretty hot. However, if I was to get jiggy with her and she was wearing a paper bag on her head, I don’t know if I could successfully get my rocks off. It’s nothing against her or her looks. It’s just that the paper bag would be too much of a distraction. It would make me feel like some sort of ghetto-fabulous sadomasochist. A role I have no desire to occupy. In order to complete Mission: Sexually Satisfied Swaff, I would have to tap her on the shoulder mid-thrust and say, “hey do you mind taking that stupid, dumbass paper bag off of your head? It’s really freaking distracting, baby.”

Whenever that jerkmunch, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave hears the "put a paper bag over her head joke," he scratches his head in confusion because he doesn't get it. This could be because he's never seen a woman he wasn't attracted to.

I can understand a woman wanting Rick to wear a paper bag over his head if she decided to fornicate with him. In terms of appearance, a paper bag on his head actually does him a great deal of justice.

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