404 Swaff-Style Halloween | The Chronicles of Rico
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Swaff-Style Halloween

Halloween is hands down, one of my favorite times of the year. I just love it. I take personal time off at work for 2 different occasions every year; 1.) Lollapalooza. 2.) Halloween. It’s a holiday that gives children an excuse to over-gorge themselves on candy. It has given bullies an excuse to make caramel covered tomatoes and hand them out to children. It gives troubled people an excuse to bloody-gore themselves up and be perceived as cool for it. It gives the ladies a chance to dress like sluts without permanently being referred to as a slut in the future. It has given dust-heads an excuse to terrorize their communities (the night before Halloween on Devil’s Night.) It gives elderly people something to look forward to, which is handing out candy to trick or treaters. Most importantly, these past few years it has given ME an opportunity to party while dressed up as some of my favorite characters. Every year I like to give my Halloween costume some thought before hitting the town. I always want to wear a Halloween costume that will attain positive reactions from people, preferably laughter.

Halloween hasn’t always been one of my favorite times of the year. I think deep down in my psyche, I have some pent up “lack of a cool costume for Halloween” rage, which comes out every year when it is time to decide what to wear for Halloween. I believe this stems from when I was a little boy. I am sure all of you remember trick or treating as kids. Most of you had some pretty nice costumes. I used to see boys my age wear all kinds of awesome costumes such as werewolves, Freddy Krueger, Ghost Busters, Ninja Turtles, Jason Vorhees, Chicago Bears players, zombies, etc. You should feel lucky because I didn’t get the chance to sport a cool costume when I was younger and I blame it on my mommy. My mom did not have Halloween spirit when I was younger. As much as I wanted a ridiculously cool costume every single year for Halloween, it simply never happened.

I was one of those kids who wore the plastic masks from Wal-Mart that stays on your face with a rubber band that stretches around the back of your head. I am not talking about the basic rubber masks either. I wore the thin, PLASTIC masks with rubber bands attached. This limited my costume capabilities to being either Frankenstein or Count Dracula every year because I never saw anything else made in this particular style of costume.

The quality was horrible. These costumes seriously couldn’t have cost any more than a dollar. Either my mom was extremely cheap at the time or just did not take Halloween as seriously as I wanted to take it. The only people who consistently commented on how scary they thought my costume was, were my neighbors down our gravel road to the north of us. These people were in their 90’s at the time so it probably actually was one of the scariest things they had ever seen. They used to buy bags of candy every Halloween specifically for my brother and I, who were their only trick or treaters every year. They were sweethearts.

I hated the days where we were supposed to wear our costumes to school. I remember sitting at my desk and pouting every year, thinking to myself how badly I wanted to beat the living shit out of those stupid ass Chicago Bears players and Ninja Turtles who pranced around the classroom like river dancers because they thought they were so cool because they had such awesomely bodacious Halloween costumes. UGH!!!!!

The girls even gave them more attention that day. I was so jealous of them and was absolutely infuriated with the fact that every year, my classmates wore extravagant costumes, while I was wearing a costume that my mom probably bought after cashing in 20 pop cans.

I think this is a reasonable explanation as to why I now like to wear cool costumes every year.

Three years ago I was Rex Kwon Do from the movie “Napoleon Dynamite,” which made fans of the movie laugh because that character in the movie is hilarious, not to mention, I look a lot like him while dressed up as him.

Two years ago I was Green Man, which is from the show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” A character on that show, Charlie, occasionally dresses up in a green, full-body spandex suit and calls himself “Green Man.” This costume is funny to everyone, even if they haven’t seen the show. It just looks funny.
Last year I dressed up as the character that ended up becoming the mascot of my blog, Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave. Ironically, Halloween last year is when I created this character. If it wasn’t for Halloween, there would be no Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave.
I am going to post a different Halloween story every day this week, beginning with Halloween in 2007 and ending with Halloween in 2009. I am not sure what to expect for Halloween this year because it is so close to my daughter’s due date, but chances are it will be interesting.  It always is.  If the Halloween insanity carries on this year, I will definitely write about it.

Just think, if Halloween didn't exist, neither would Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave. Big freaking deal right? Haha I wonder how many people are thinking to themselves now, "I wish Halloween didn't exist."