As mentioned in “Swaff-Style Halloween,” I am going to post a different Halloween story every day of the week this week.
Halloween in 2007 unraveled in a way where it seemed like the entire holiday was taken directly from the “Twilight Zone.” It got to the point where I seriously thought it was possible that I was experiencing some bizarre dream, which in reality, I wasn’t. This shit happened.
I woke up on the morning of Halloween (2007) at 4:30 in the morning, freezing my ass off in a ditch filled with water just outside of a trailer park in Moline, Illinois. I had partied with my friends Josh Kelly and Cody Lampe the night before at a local Moline bar and I evidently fell short in making it back to Josh’s house from the bar. My latest recollection of the night before was singing “Jump Around” by House of Pain karaoke-style at the bar. And I freaking nailed that song…seriously, but then I blacked out.
After I woke up, I spent a few minutes thinking deeply about where I was. After heavy contemplation and back-tracking, I slowly began to figure out the general idea of where I was in comparison to the location of Josh’s house. It took roughly 25 minutes of walking around, but I finally found his place. When I arrived at about 5:00 AM, I drank a beer and a shot of rum and then passed out again on a floor in the hallway.
When I woke up again at 10:30 AM, I was informed that I had sleep-walked and peed on the floor of Josh’s room where he and his girlfriend were sleeping. I was a bit embarrassed, but by this time it was kind of used to it by that point. This occurred at the peak of a drunken, sleep-pissing phase that I experienced in 2006 and 2007. I elaborate more on this in a story titled, “My Sleep Pissing Career.”
Shortly after being informed of sleep-pissing on Josh’s floor, I decided to dress up in my Halloween costume for the Halloween extravaganza that would be taking place at Fun City in Burlington later on that night. I dressed as Rex Kwon Do. For those of you who do not know, Rex Kwon Do is the instructor of the martial arts clinic that Napoleon and Kip Dynamite attended in the movie “Napoleon Dynamite.” In my opinion, he is the funniest character in the movie.
I had pretty much everything I needed. I had the American flag sweatpants that nobody would want to take a roundhouse kick to the face with, a Rex Kwon Do t-shirt, some sweet kicks and an American flag bandana. The only thing I was missing was a pair of snazzy sunglasses to top the outfit off. I did have a pair the night before, but I wore them to the bar that night and when I woke up in the water-filled ditch, my sunglasses were still on my face, but one lens were missing. The other lens was cracked. Not sure what happened there. Lucky for me there was a mall across the street from Josh’s house, so I walked there in my Rex Kwon Do apparel. I caught some very weird looks while at the mall. It was about 11:00 AM, which was a little early to be dressed in my Halloween costume. People were staring at me as if I were some kind of freak show. I felt awesome. I found the perfect pair of sunglasses and was ready to roll.
When I got back home, I took a nap, went to Pete’s house and pre-gamed before departing for Burlington. Pete had a great costume himself…he was dressed as some chick with a huge cameltoe named “Camille Toe.”
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Burlington, IA, Fun City is located there. Fun City is a huge building that consists of an arcade, ballroom, water-park, casino, bowling alley, bar, club, restaurant, casino and hotel. It really is one of the coolest things that has happened to Burlington in a long time.
I started out the night at Fun City in the ballroom area, checking out what the costume contest had to offer. It was pretty cool, but I eventually became bored and my friends and I decided to walk back to the bar/club region of Fun City. It didn’t take me long to discover that everyone seemed to have pine-cones wedged up their asses on this particular Halloween night.
In order to get from the ballroom to the club area, it is a 4-5 minute walk through a bunch of hallways. In the hallway, we walked by some dude dressed as Scooby-Doo. I was in a talkative mood at the time so I figured I would comment on his costume. I said, “hey dude, nice costume.” I meant it too. I always liked Scooby-Doo, and I literally thought dude was wearing a cool costume.
After saying this, the dude looked at me and screamed, “Fuck you!!! Go fuck yourself motherfucker!!!” I couldn’t believe it. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be told to fuck myself by Scooby-Doo. Not only that, but who did he think he was, talking shit to Rex Kwon Do like that? That is straight-up Scooby-Doo suicide. I looked at him and said something along the lines of “excuse me dude?” He took a step towards me as if he wanted to fight me, when his friends (who I know well) stepped in and blocked him from proceeding. They drug his dumb ass towards the ball-room. It was at that moment, where I developed a funny feeling that things were going to get weird that night. My intuition ended up being correct.
I was drunk as shit…I had been since I woke up that morning. I stumbled my way to the club area and drank to the point where I was feeling as loose as a goose as a goose can be loose. Hot chicks were everywhere sporting costumes such as slutty kitty-cats, slutty princesses, slutty witches, slutty nurses and slutty fairies. Hell I think I even saw a girl dressed as a slutty dinosaur that night. I made it to the dance floor and started dancing and grinding with what appeared to be a girl dressed up as a slutty bumble-bee. In retrospect, I hope it was a chick. I didn’t get a good look at her face. She danced like a chick. Hell in the drunken state of mind I was already in, I could have been dancing with Arnold freaking Schwarzenegger and not known it. I danced with this girl for 5 minutes or so when I noticed Scooby-Doo standing in the corner. I immediately left the bumble bee to confront him about what he had said to me earlier. As you all know, I have a tendency to be extremely confrontational, especially when I have been drinking alcohol. I generally don’t like to start fights (although this statement will be contradicted later in the story), for you can ruin your future career goals with an assault charge. However, I am very inclined to being hot-headed if I feel I have been disrespected. 99% of the people I confront, end up cowering anyways, so I never hesitate to confront people if they piss me off. With that said, when Scooby-Doo told Rex Kwon Do to fuck himself, it hurt Rex’s feelings. He needed to be set straight.
While approaching Scooby-Doo to confront him about the shit he was talking in the hallway earlier on, I had no intentions of actually beating him up. I just wanted to let him know that I didn’t like what he said earlier and maybe punk him out if he got lippy and then go on with my night. I approached him with swaggar. I had a serious expression painted on my face when I said to him in abrasively, “so man, what’s up with you telling me to fuck myself?” He appeared confused. He responded with, “huh?” I elaborated, “in the hallway a half hour ago, I told you I thought your costume was cool, and you told me to fuck myself. What’s up with that?” He then appeared very nervous and said, “ahh shit, I’m sorry man, I had just gotten into an argument with my ex-girlfriend a few seconds earlier and was in a shit mood. I’m sorry man. I didn’t mean it.” I replied, “its cool dude, I understand. I just didn’t know you had up your ass.” Scooby-Doo and Rex Kwon Do shook hands…and that was that.
By the time 1:00 AM rolled around, I had already been wearing my pimp-fogged glasses for at least 2 hours. It was around this time where I began feeling 50o feet tall and nuke bomb proof. I was carrying on, double-fisting Bud Lights and having a fun time when my friend Adam approached me and said, “hey Swaff, I dare you to balance one of those bottles of beer on that dude’s head over there.” I looked at who he was pointing at and it was some skeleton dancing with a girl dressed as a slutty fairy on the dance floor.
My first thought was, “well, I don’t think so. That’s kind of a dick-move.” My second thought was, “ahh fuck it, I’m Rex Kwon Do, whats the worst that can happen? Rex Kwon Do earned the right to act like a dick while fighting in the octagon!” I looked at Adam and said, “alright dude, I’ll do it.” Sometimes I have a very difficult time turning down dares, and my friends (including Adam) know this about me.
So I approach this skeleton who was obviously working his swerve with the girl he was dancing with. The two were grinding so hard with each other that I briefly wondered if the the dude was actually achieving public penetration with the chick. I wasn’t necessarily carrying out this dare with intentions of starting a fight with this dude, but I was well aware that I was doing was a definite dick-move.
I walked right up to him and balanced the beer on his head. He stopped dancing with this girl, looked at me and asked in a “white boy trying to sound black accent,” “Yo, wut da hell u doin homie?”
My immediate thought was, “ahh shit, this skeleton is one of those thug-type dudes. This may get messy.” I should have known better. Usually your stereotypical thugged-out white guys wear one of two costumes for Halloween. They either dress as a skeleton or a pimp. Originality and creativity is definitely not a priority to thug-type dudes when it comes to dressing up for Halloween.
I continued to balance the beer on his head while responding to him with, “well, I was dared to balance a beer on your head, so that is what I am doing. I am balancing this beer on your head.” He replied, “yo homie, I just chillin’ here grindin wit dis girl and you come up and pull dis shit. Why you doin dat?” I responded, “well dude, I didn’t know you were one of those thug-type dudes, which obviously things are going to get messier than I intended. I was dared to balance a beer on your head, so I am doing it. I have a hard time turning down dares. It’s nothing personal, I am just balancing this beer on your head because I was dared to.”
My friend Adam walked up at this point and said, “yeah dude, chill out, he’s only balancing a beer on your head, douchebag!!!” The guy then tapped some other guy next to him who was also dressed as a skeleton (surprise surprise) and said to him, “yo man, look at dis mothafucka. Look wut dis fool be doin!” His friend took one look at me balancing my beer on his fellow skeleton’s head and screamed, “ah hell-nawwwwww!” He reared back and punched me on my left temple.
A split-second after this guy punched me, 5-10 of my friends jumped in and swarmed these guys. I barely felt the punch to my temple. I was more surprised than anything. And I wasn’t butt-hurt about it, for I knew I deserved it. I stepped back a little bit, and watched this scuffle between my friends and these two dudes, systematically evolve into an all out brawl on the dance floor. Despite being punched, I had no desire to fight, for I knew why I was punched…it was justified on their part, imo.
All I could do was sit back, watch and laugh. In fact, I was laughing my ass off uncontrollably. Some of the costume match-ups in this fight were so bizarre. I witnessed one of my friends being pelted from behind with a beer bottle by some random skeleton, so I ran out there real quick to get his back. I got to him in a matter of a couple seconds and by that time he informed that that he was fine. The skeleton who hit him was already fighting someone else by the time I arrived. Things were obviously unraveling very quickly.
I didn’t end up throwing a punch. The brawl was in full effect on the dance floor for what seemed like a few minutes. Dozens of dudes dressed up in various costumes were swinging at whoever or whatever was near them. I couldn’t quit smiling/laughing at the insanity of it all. After a few minutes of observing this chaos, I found a few of my friends and we all agreed that we should leave before the cops showed up. I was, in fact, the guy who started this shit by being a douche.
We walked outside Fun City and things became even more interesting. Behind us, was a mob of angry dudes and dudettes in various costumes running towards the exit. I remember thinking, “Well, I better get my game-face on. Since I started this brawl, it is likely that these people are looking for me. I hope I’m not going to be jumped by every one of these people.” To my surprise, that didn’t happen though. They ran right past me and started fighting with a group of skeletons and pimps who were standing about 20 feet to my left.
Many costumed people joined the fight. There were about 10 skeletons, a smurf, 5 or so pimps, Freddy Krueger, Michael Jackson, Ronald McDonald, the Tin Man, Mario, Pee Wee Herman, a caveman, a couple of vampires, etc. exchanging punches with one another. People were throwing hay-makers…some guys were getting knocked to the ground, seemingly knocked out. Frankenberry bolted outside and started beating the shit out of a skeleton that was already crouched on the ground due to being beaten up by The Tin Man. The Tin Man was kicking some major ass. He was probably the most impressive fighter that I noticed. I think he was a black dude, but couldn’t really tell because he was sportin’ a silver painted face.
At the side of the building I witnessed something disturbing. It appeared as if Gumby and a chicken were raping Jason Vorhees from the Friday the 13th movies. It turned out they were just fighting and rolling around on the ground…their fighting styles were so odd though that it appeared that poor Jason Vorhees was getting dry humped.
The most interesting match-up I saw was between Ronald McDonald and Michael Jackson. They were all sorts of pissed off at each other, slapping, punching and kicking each other. Michael Jackson was presumably jealous of Ronald McDonald for the attention he had been receiving from little kids.
The climax of the brawl occurred when a female American Gladiator who is a friend of mine, ran into the mob in an attempt to stop the chaos. This did not turn out as she intended, for a couple skeletons picked her up and literally body-slammed her on the concrete. I remember watching her ass jiggle, seemingly in slow motion as she hit the ground making a very loud “thud” noise. It looked painful and she later informed me that it was. She ended up having a HUGE bruise on her hip/ass.
The brawl was probably the most heated after the female gladiator was assaulted. Many people were irate when this happened. While all this was going on, there were many slutty nurses, slutty princesses, slutty kitty-cats, etc. that were standing outside the brawl screaming, “Oh my God! Stop fighting! Oh my God I hate this, stop!!!” Haha yeah… as if they actually wanted it to stop. Whenever I notice a girl begging for a fight to stop, I catch a hint of “I secretly think this is awesome” in her voice and by begging for things to cease from progressing, it’s just her way to be “part of the show.”
The fight carried on in consistently chaotic and straight up weird fashion for a few more minutes when someone screamed, “COPS!!!!!!” Everyone including myself skee-daddled.
When we hopped into my friend’s car and began to leave, I was in a state of awe. I felt as if I had created something so awesomely bizarre beyond comprehension. I am relieved that no one was seriously injured as a result of the brawl, since I was the guy who started the shit-fest by acting like a total douche-bucket. I admit though, it was so worth it. How many people can honestly say that they’ve seen Pee Wee Herman punch a caveman in the face while Jason Vorhees was simultaneously being humped by Gumby and a chicken? Not many. I created a masterpiece. God bless the day after Devil’s Night.
- Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave laid the smack down on some skeletons that night. Here he is body-slamming one.