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God Bless the Day After Devil’s Night 2008

As mentioned recently in “Swaff-Style Halloween,” and “God Bless the Day After Devil’s Night 2007,” I am posting a different Halloween story every day of the week this week.

Halloween in 2008 was a two night extravaganza for me. I went to Fun City on Halloween night, and to a costume party in Iowa City the following night. The party was followed by a trip to the bars. That year, I dressed up as Green Man. I was one of the first people I knew of to dress as Green Man. Now you see him everywhere. Green Man is from the television show “Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” There is a character named Charlie, who dresses in a full-body spandex suit and calls himself the “Green Man.”

I was the greatest Green Man this world has ever seen.

Friday night at Fun City was somewhat uneventful other than the fact that I won $150 for taking 2nd place in the most original costume contest. People definitely dug the Green Man. My friend Ryan who I rode up there with, got 3rd place in the same contest. He was dressed up as a dude midget giving a girl midget a piggy-back ride. I thought it was kind of a coincidence that out of the hundreds of costumes that were in attendance that night, my friend that I came with and I were 2 of the 3 prize winners in the most original costume contest.

This is my friend, Pete’s costume from that night.  To be honest, I believe he should have won the costume contest that night.

The winner was a stripper pole with a sign that read, “Gulfport is now closed, but I am still open for business!” Dancing around the pole was someone dressed as an overweight Gulfport stripper. Pretty original. Much props to that dude. For those of you who are unaware, Gulfport is across the Mississippi from Burlington, Iowa. It is located on the Illinois side of the Iowa-Illinois border. This is where the strip clubs are located. The strip clubs in Gulfport have been notorious over the years for their lack of quality. At the time, the Gulfport strip clubs were closed due to flooding which sparked the idea for this guy’s costume.

The next night was pretty goofy and polka-dotted with a couple of awkward situations. I started out the night at this costume party hosted by Miss Abigail Hammer and company. It was a pretty cool shindig other than the fact that I felt like the weird old dude who just happened to be dressed as Green Man. I believe I was the oldest person in attendance. I was 25 years old and I think there were a couple of 23 year olds, but the rest of the party was infested with 18-20 year olds. The people there were pretty cool though.

I started feeling pretty loose I started getting ready to take off for the bars. On my way out of the apartment, I ran into this pale-skinned dude who was wearing a vest and some thick-rimmed glasses. My first thought was “Revenge of the Nerds.” I said to him, “wow, I like that costume man!” He asked, “what are you talking about?” Without thinking I said, “your costume dude, I like it. I like Revenge of the Nerds. You must be Louis. Is Booger around here somewhere?” The dude’s face shifted from confused to annoyed and his buddy who was sitting right next to him and visibly trying not to laugh said, “dude, he’s not Louis from Revenge of the Nerds, he’s not even wearing a costume, man.” The only thing I could really say was , “oh shit man, I’m sorry about that.” The Louis look-alike didn’t respond. He just kept looking straight ahead with the same annoyed look on his face. That must have been weird for him to have this big, stocky looking dude dressed as Green Man, mistaking him for Louis from Revenge of the Nerds. I wonder what was going through his mind. He was probably wishing he had more muscle mass so he could make an attempt to fight me.

brooks wheelan snl

Rollin’ with the McPoyle brothers. The guy on the right is a dude named Brooks Wheelan. He is hitting the L.A. comedy scene. Check his stuff out, he is a funny dude!!!

I walked to the bars and had quite a bit of fun there. While there, I spent the majority of my time talking to this dude that I used to wrestle that I hadn’t seen or heard from in 8 years. I didn’t really have a chance to pay attention to any of the costumes at the bar.

When the bars closed I was drunk. I was 50-foot tall, nuke-bomb proof and had a nice, shiny pair of pimp-fogged glasses on. In other words, I was feeling pretty good and I wanted to chat with some honeys. Obviously, I was single at the time.

Not long after I exited the bar, I saw this girl dressed as a Victoria’s Secret model talking to a large group of large black guys. She really stood out, but not because she was excessively hot. She looked ok, but stood out because she was wearing a thong/lingerie in public.

After a couple seconds it occurred to me that the lingerie suit she was wearing, happened to be red. This gave me a perfect pick-up line to say to her. I couldn’t wait to use it. I think I cared more about actually using a sweet pick-up line than hitting on her. I approached her (still wearing my Green Man suit,) tapped her on the shoulder and said, “hey babe, I noticed you are wearing red. Well if ya haven’t noticed, I am wearing green. I figured we should roll around together and make this place look like Christmas.  She stared at me with a blank expression on her face, so I elaborated, “ya know, because red and green are Christmas colors.”

She didn’t seem impressed. As soon as I finished spitting that line, my focus shifted to the large group of large black guys she was talking to. I thought to myself, “ah shit, this chick is probably dating one of these dudes.”

The result was good though. All of the black dudes started laughing their asses off and were like, “AHHHHH SHHEEE-IT!!! Oooohhh-wee!!! Playboy workin’ some game up in hurrrr!” I love black people. Generally speaking, black dudes always seem willing to give well-deserved props to a smooth pick-up line.

The girl rolled her eyes at me as if I were some huge creep-wad, which I can understand considering I was dressed as this giant green booger-looking thing that just finished spitting some cheesy line at her. Deep down she probably liked the attention though. Why else would she dress in such a provocative manner and prance around in public if she weren’t an attention-starved whore? Its one thing when girls dress a little more provocative than usual for Halloween, but it’s elevated to a whole new level when they prance around in a bra and thong in and outside the crowded bars of Iowa City.

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