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How Swaff Pissed Poff Off

Tonight I dug into some of my old Myspace blogs and found a bunch of entries I had forgotten about. Here is one of them that I wrote my senior year in college. This is a revised version…told from a current perspective.

During the 5 years I attended college, my primary roomate was a guy named Brent Poffenbarger aka Poff. He was my roomate for 3 years. He was and still is one of my best friends. In college we were somewhat inseparable. If you saw one of us around, you would probably see the other stumbling around nearby. Some people labeled our duo, “Swaffenbarger.” Others referred to our duo as, “Swaff and Poff,” which has a very nice ring to it similar to “Cheech and Chong.”

Swaff (me) on left, Poff on right.

If you become best friends with someone and live with them for three years, it is inevitable that you will get into your share of arguments with the person. Poff and I didn’t argue or fight much, but it did occur every once in a while. Below is an example of what ended up being the most intense dispute to ever take place between the ultimate duo formerly known as “Swaff and Poff.”

Here is a challenge. Try your best to ignore the profanity laced in the dialogue and guess what the argument was about before I explain it at the end of the post. If you do happen to figure it out, let me know how quickly you were able to do so. Here it is…

Poff: A LIGHTNING BOLT?!?! THERE?!?! You FUCK!! That was such a cheap shot!!!!!! Fuck!!!!!!!

Me: Up yours. You have been way cheaper. Respect the game, biatch!

Poff: Yeah whatever, that doesn’t even count. That was the fucking cheapest of all that is cheap.

Me: Bullshit. It wasn’t cheap at all, your just being a whiney little biznatch!

Poff: You are seriously the biggest fucking idiot in the world if you don’t fucking understand how cheap of a move that was on your part!

Me: Dude, shut your fucking mouth, it wasn’t that cheap. I play to win the game (did I mention that I am a die-hard Kansas City Chiefs fan and this occurred when Herm Edwards was coach? “You play to win the game” was his signature quote. Good lord I’m glad the Chiefs don’t have him as their leader anymore.)

Poff: Fuck you. You didn’t win. You are SUCH a fucking idiot. That was SO cheap and you know it.

Me: Shut the fuck up motherfucker or I am seriously going to beat your fucking ass, you red-shell hoarding, cry-baby, bitch!!! I did win. In fact, there I am right there taking my victory lap and driving my way to the podium so I can stand… on TOP of the podium because I won and you didn’t place. Deal with it, ass-munch.

Poff: Go ahead, beat my ass. That won’t change anything. It’ll only prove my point that you are cheap as fuck being a big, bad wrestler beating up on a baseball player. You know, you really are a cheap fuck.

Me: (Now standing, red in the face and pointing my finger at Poff) Fuck you!!! I am gonna beat your ass!!!! Ya know what?!?! Fuck it, I’m leaving!!! You son of a bitch!!! Eat shit!!!! Where the fuck are my shoes? Are you fucking wearing them or something? (I am asking this while I am inadvertently slipping HIS shoes on.)

Poff: Yeah fuck you and your stupid shoes. Make sure to shove that lightning bolt up your ass while you leave.

Me: Yeah keep talking shit about my shoes, bitch. I’m fucking outty!!! I’m #1 and you suck!!! Punk-ass!!!

I sprinted out of the house and slammed the door on my way out. I met my friend, Kroll at a bar downtown. I was still pissed about the prior situation when I arrived. It took at least 15 minutes before I was able to wipe the scowl off my face.

So have you guessed why Poff and I were in such a heated, raged-out argument? Well, it was because of an intense game of Mario Kart on Nintendo 64. My roomates were still playing this game religiously in 2007. For those of you who know Mario Kart 64, this is what happened: In the final lap of the race, I (Donkey Kong) was in 7th place out of 8 competitors when I hit an item box and received a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt is one of the best items in the game because when you use it, every other racer except yourself temporarily spins out of control and shrinks in size for 10-15 seconds while you stay the same size. When a character becomes small, their speed decreases substantially. I held onto my lightning bolt for roughly 10 seconds without using it. I held on to it that long because I knew that Yoshi (Poff’s character at the time) was in 1st place and was about to cross a curve-infested, gateless bridge. I purposely struck the lightning bolt as soon as he drove on this bridge and his character spun out of control and fell off the bridge and into the water. I passed everyone and finished in 1st place, while Poff finished dead last. Was it cheap? I don’t think so. To this day I think it was good strategy on my part to use the lightning bolt when I did. It is definitely debateable though. Whenever this aspect of the game is brought up, the opinions vary. Basically, people think it is a cheap-shot if they are the victim of the move, but don’t think it’s cheap if they were the ones who utilized it. It sure as hell pissed Poff off. There’s a funny catch-phrase; “Swaff pissed Poff off.”

The funny thing is that 30 minutes after I arrived at the bar, Poff called to ask which bar I was at so he could meet me there. After informing me that he would be meeting me at the bar he said, “I found your shoes, hope it’s ok with you if I wear them out.” I looked down at my feet and noticed that I was wearing his shoes and responded with, “yeah that’s cool, man.” When he arrived, we carried on as if the argument never even took place.

This is Poff playing Mario Kart on Nintendo 64.  At that moment, he was probably being struck by a lightning bolt.

Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave becomes infuriated every time he tries to play Mario Kart on Nintendo 64.  He can’t ever get the game to work.  Things would be easier for Rick if he; a.) had a television set to play with, b.) had the Nintendo 64 system plugged in, c.) had the Mario Kart game cartridge plugged in and d.) wasn’t using an Xbox 360 controller.