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Today, December 2nd, 2010 is a very important day. Someone who is extremely influential in this world is celebrating their birthday today. Who do you think it is? Well, I’ll give you a few hints.
1.) This person is a parent.
2.) This person’s last name begins with an “S.”
3.) This person once shaved their head.
4.) This person was onced asked to dress in a school-girl outfit and sing, “hit me baby, one more time!”
Do you give up? If so, then you are totally out of the “important birthdays” loop! Today is MY birthday. I turned 28 years old today and I can explain hint #4.
Here is how hint #4 went down. When I was 18 years old, I was dating a girl and we made a bet. If I won the bet, she had to give me $10 (it’s all about the Hamiltons baby.) If she won the bet, then I was supposed to dress in her school-girl outfit, dance around in her room and sing, “baby one more time” by Britney Spears while she sat there and laughed at me.
So, what was the bet about?
My girlfriend at the time’s best friend was dating some overly hyper, skinny, white dude (let’s just call him Nerdsworth) who was a member of this local lame-ass car club called Hillside Car Club aka Hillside C.C. Basically wannabe members of this car club pimped their cars out as much as they could so they could be worthy enough to become a member and receive a car sticker that said, “Hillside C.C.” After receiving these prestigious stickers, they would loiter in Shopko’s parking lot and talk about car shit. I had to endure an excruciating amount of double-dates that Nerdsworth tagged along for.
Nerdsworth over-used the phrase, “oh shit.” He didn’t say it the way most people say it. When he would use this phrase, he would make his already high-pitched voice even higher and kind of stutter when he said the word, “oh.” This was followed immediately by a short, choppy, “shit.” Sometimes he would inadvertently repeat the phrase twice in a row. He’d be like, “oh-huh-ho shit, oh-huh-oh shit!” in a high pitched voice.
Here is an example of how a conversation with Nerdsworth would unravel. Nerdsworth would see me out in public. I was probably avoiding him and trying to act like I didn’t notice him when he would yell at me with chilhuahua-like enthusiasm, “Oh-huh-oh shit Swaff! How ya doin, big guy! Oh-huh-oh shit!” I would force myself to sound as unannoyed as possible and respond with, “I’m fine man.” He would then tell me some sort of story that went like, “Oh-huh oh shit man! I was like, at my girl’s crib and oh-huh-oh shit, I saw dis white 1994 Camaro drive by so I was like, oh-huh-oh shit and ran out to my car as fast as I could. Oh-huh-oh shit, I chased dis homie down and was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit’ and he pulled over like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit’ and I flagged him down like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit!’ Oh-huh-oh shit, I pulled my car up next to dis homie and I was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit, ya wanna race, dawg?’ He was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit, I guess man.’ Oh-huh-oh shit. So then we drag from Division all the way to West Avenue and oh-huh-oh shit he ate my dust, yo! Oh-huh-oh shit, oh-huh-oh shit! Then da homie roll his window down and was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit, I see you sportin dat Hillside C.C. sticker on yo car. You rollin wit Hillside C.C. bro?’ I was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit, hell yeah I rollin wit Hillside C.C. dawg.’ And he was like, ‘oh-huh-oh shit, I should have known I’d get myself straight up whooped!’ Oh-huh-oh shit, oh-huh-oh shit man!”
I would just stand there with my arms crossed and my lips pursed like Ivan Drago, watching his mouth move while simultaneously asking myself if I could possibly hate anyone more than I hated Nerdsworth.
Anyways, one night I rented M.C. Hammer’s “Hammertime” video on VHS from Family Video. Nerdsworth caught wind from his girlfriend that I rented this video and wanted to borrow it before I took it back. I let him borrow it and when it was time to retrieve the VCR tape from him, he said he would meet us in the Shopko parking lot (stomping grounds of the Hillside C.C. jabronies.) I said to my girlfriend at the time, “great, we have to see freaking Nerdsworth. I bet he says, ‘oh-huh-oh shit’ 10 times in the 5 minutes we spend talking to him.” She replied with, “nahh, he aint that bad, I bet he doesn’t even say it.” Then I said, “I bet you $10 that he will.” She responded with, “ok, I will give you $10 if he does it, but if he doesn’t do it, you have to dress up in a school-girl outfit and dance and sing, ‘baby one more time.’ while I watch” I took the bet without even thinking about it. I thought it was inevitable that this guy would say, “oh-huh-oh shit” at least 20 times.
When we met him in the parking lot, he handed us the “Hammertime” VCR tape and immediately made it clear that he had no interest in talking to me. Evidently he and his girlfriend got in a fight and all he wanted to do was ask my girlfriend about whether his girlfriend was acting different or had said anything about him to her. He wasn’t saying, “oh-huh-oh shit” at all. I even tried to provoke him to say it. I asked him what he thought of MC Hammer’s amazing dance moves and he said they were “fly” and went right back to asking my girlfriend about his girlfriend. I even tried prompting him to talk about his car and Hillside C.C. and he would respond with a short answer and would continue talking to my girlfriend about his girlfriend. We conversed with the dude for 10 minutes and the dude didn’t say, “oh-huh-oh shit” once. It must have been a freaking record.
Therefore, since I lost the bet, I was expected to dress as a school-girl, dance and sing the song, “baby one more time” for my girlfriend at the time. However, before I ever got a chance to do this, she broke up with me for Nerdsworth’s best friend, a fellow member of the elitist Hillside Car Club.
Anyways, back to the story. It’s my 28th birthday today. You know who else’s birthday it is today? You guessed it, Britney Spears. She is 29 years old today. I remember the days leading to my 17th birthday. Everyone was so eager for Britney to turn 18 years old so she could legally pose for Playboy. As if turning 18 years old automatically prompts women to become exhibitionists.
Now, I am not writing this post in an attempt to draw attention to myself for the simple fact that it is my birthday. I am not one of these people who makes a big deal about my birthday. I don’t care if people forget it, I’m fine if there is no birthday cake, I won’t hold it against you if you don’t acknowledge my birthday, I work on my birthday without thinking anything of it, I don’t throw a party for myself and I certainly don’t want any birthday spankings. My birthday is just another day to me.
However, the day my mom actually went into labor and eventually gave birth to me wasn’t just another day. It was a pretty chaotic in my hometown/area that day. This article was taken from my town’s local newspaper the week I was born. Check it out…
For those of you who didn’t read the article, the story chronicles the events that took place while my mom was in labor with me and on the way to the hospital. Evidently a huge storm (possibly a tornado) struck our area while my mom was in labor with me. This storm was so fierce that it blew the roof and garage completely off of a house that my future 6th grade homeroom teacher lived in. Ironically, when she was my homeroom teacher, she broke her nose while playing a teachers vs. students volleyball game. She went for a dig and landed on her face and broke her nose. Evidently, I am bad luck for this poor lady, which is unfortunate because she is a pretty cool teacher/person.
So when I say I took the world by storm when I was born, I am not exaggerating. There literally was a huge, destructive storm taking place in my area while my mom was in labor with me and driving to the hospital. Hell, my parents had to drive through it and to my understanding, the storm lasted all day and was probably still carrying on when I was born. Is this a coincidence? I don’t know, you tell me.