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The Man With a Booger in His Ear

So one day I was at a youth wrestling tournament watching my 11 and 13 year old brothers wrestle.  First round had come to a conclusion and I was hungry so I decided to make a trip to the concession stand. 

While waiting in line, I noticed a man in front of me who was roughly 5 foot 8 inches tall, weighed 240 pounds had overgrown curly dark brown hair and a thick mustache. He was wearing a worn down pair of Wrangler jeans, some old work boots, a grey Macomb wrestling tee-shirt topped off with a NASCAR cap of some sort.  Many fathers/spectators you encounter at youth wrestling tournaments seem to fit this description, but there was something a little different about this guy.  He had a freaking booger in his ear. 

When I initially noticed the booger, I was standing a few feet behind him and couldn’t determine whether it was a booger or not.  I thought it could have been some greasy textured, lighter colored ball of ear wax and that this guy wasn’t a stickler about consistently cleaning his ears. However, the color of the blob in his ear was not consistent with ear wax, therefore my curiosity was officially sparked.  I decided to slyly move closer to him so I could get a better view of his ear. 

I gradually inched my way closer to the guy. Literally.  My face was probably 5 inches from his head with my eyes glued on his ear when my suspicions were confirmed. He had a round, plump booger in his ear with dark fabric fibers spread throughout the body of the booger. I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t stop staring at it. While staring in disbelief, he turned his head towards me and for a brief moment we were staring into each other’s eyes, our faces 5 inches apart.  I was close enough to him that he probably felt my breath on his ear and that’s what made him turn around.  That’s how determined I was to figure out whether or not it was a booger in his ear. 

After he looked at me, I quickly turned my head towards the concession stand and said the first thing that came to my mind which was, “those look like some pretty good wieners.”  The reason I said this was because the first thing I saw when I turned my head to the concession stand was a pile of hot dogs that the concession stand workers were putting into hot dog buns and handing to customers.  A confused, somewhat creeped out expression came over his face when he replied with, “umm yeah they do.” When he turned his face back around, he half-assedly shook his head. 

With a line like, “those look like some pretty good wieners” combined with the fact that my face was only 5 inches from his face when he turned around to look at me, Mr. Booger Ears probably thought I was trying to hit on him or something.  I was embarrassed for a brief moment until I gave the situation a little more thought.  I wasn’t the one who had a booger in my ear so why on earth would I feel embarrassed?

As I waited in line, I pondered the possibilities of how that booger ended up in this guy’s ear.  It is likely that the guy had picked his nose and unsuccessfully tried wiping the booger on the wall or under his seat and didn’t realize that the booger was still on his finger.  That booger probably hung out on this guy’s finger until he decided to drill his ear for wax.  While doing this, the booger probably found a home…in his ear canal. 

There may be a couple other, more far fetched possibilities.

This guy may love eating his own boogers and utilized his ear canal as a storage unit, kind of like a refridgerator or a kitchen cabinet.  Whenever he felt the craving for a booger snack, all he had to do was grab one out of his ear.

He may have been drilling wrestling moves with his son who had a booger hanging out of his nose.  His head may have scraped past his son’s nose resulting in a big juicy booger becoming lodged into his ear canal.

Maybe a little kid picked a booger out of their nose and flicked it and it landed directly in this guy’s ear canal.  Weirder things have happened.  We did happen to be at a youth wrestling tournament, so there were little boys running around everywhere….acting like jackasses. When I was a little kid, I admit…..I picked my nose. I specifically remember flicking my boogers after digging them out of my nose.  I thought it was fun. While flicking my boogers, I would imagine myself kicking field goals for the Kansas City Chiefs. Sometimes flicking boogers was like target practice. I was usually relatively decent at shooting targets with my boogers, but definitely had my share of failures. 

One time when I a little boy, my brother Justin and my mom went to a 4H meeting.  My youngest 2 brothers hadn’t been born yet so it was just my dad and I at the house.  My dad was watching some old movie on the Turner Classic Movies station.  I was not interested in the movie at all. I don’t know if I’ve ever been interested in any movie that has ever aired on TCM. Dad got up to make some popcorn. I considered this the perfect opportunity to flick a booger at something.  I had the perfect target.  I purchased a pack of Fleer baseball cards that day and inside that pack was a Mark Grace card. He was the 1st baseman for the Chicago Cubs back then.  Being a born and raised St. Louis Cardinals fan, it goes without saying that I have always had strong feelings of hatred towards the Chicago Cubs.  This included Mark Grace. I propped the Mark Grace card up against a glass that was sitting on the living room table.  Without considering the potential consequences, I flicked a gigantic, stringy, slimy booger at the card and missed…but not by much.  The booger hit the rim of the glass that the card was propped on and stuck there.  As soon as that happened, I jumped off the couch to see if there was anything left in that glass.  As you can guess, the glass was 75% full (or should I say 25% empty) with what appeared to be orange soda. It must have been my dad’s glass of orange soda.  As soon as I realized this, I heard my dad’s heavy footsteps thumping on the floor as he walked from the kitchen back into the living room with his bowl of popcorn.  In a panic, I jumped back on the couch and hoped to God that he wouldn’t notice the large blob of green slime that was stuck to the rim of his glass of orange soda. 

The first thing he did when he sat down was reached for his glass to take a drink.  He noticed the booger immediately.  He looked at me and said, “you have got to be shitting me Joshua.  You are wiping boogers on things now?! Not only things, but MY glass of orange pop!” My natural reaction was to look to my side in an attempt to blame it on my brother, but he wasn’t home.  I reached into my ever-growing bag of “under pressure” lies and said, “no I didn’t! I swear!! That must have been on the glass BEFORE you grabbed it out of the cabinet!!”  Dad further examined the glass and noticed the moist texture of the booger and yelled, “bullshit! It’s still slimy! That booger has been picked recently, Joshua!” I argued with him by saying, “Justin must have wiped it on there right before he left for the 4H meeting!”  As he began wiping the off the glass with a tissue, Dad surprisingly concluded the ass-chewing by saying, “whatever Joshua. Justin left for that meeting over an hour ago and this booger was freshly picked. That is just….(shakes his head) That’s disgusting.” I didn’t flick as many boogers from that day on.

With that said, I think it is possible that a kid may have flicked a booger that landed directly in this guy’s ear.

But probably not. My guess is that he picked a booger out of his nose before picking the wax out of his ear. What a dipshit.

Since his ear canal was partially blocked by a hideous booger, I wonder if he noticed a temporary partial loss of hearing.

It made me think of all the potential concoctions of human waste. For example, what if someone picked a booger before they dug the lint out of their belly button followed by reaching into the back of their pants and scratching their assholes and finished the combination by picking the wax out of their ear? That would be a wax-booger, belly button lint cocktail with a dash of ass-cheese (_l_). Gross.

And then Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave was like, “are you tired of me yet?”  The man with a booger in his ear must be related to Rick.

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