So I registered for a Google Analytics account. On a daily basis, I login to my account to check out the action that my website has received. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Google Analytics, it shows you how people found your site, which entries they read, how much time they spent on your site, how many hits your site has received, what words people googled to find your site, etc. For example, if I post a new entry to facebook, I will know exactly how many people clicked on my link, how long they surfed my site and how many pages they viewed on my site. I can do the same for the other social networking sites where my link has been dropped or my site can be accessed.
The most fun I have on Google Analytics is browsing through the random shit people googled that led them to my website. I don’t think this should be surprising to anyone who reads my site, but people tend to find my site by googling some of the most bizarre shit. I have considered completing monthly entries that will list 5-10 of my favorite google searches that led random weirdos to my site each month. Maybe I will start doing that in May. You will be astounded by the silly shit people google.
This past month, one of my favorite google searches that led someone to The Chronicles of Rico was, “did cavemen beat their wives?” I am assuming that the story that came up on this person’s google search was one that I wrote a long time ago, titled “How Did Cavemen Work Their Swerve?” In that story I basically chronicled my thoughts of what kind of tactics I believe a caveman had to use while attempting to get into a cavewoman’s pants…or grass skirt. You can read that story by clicking here. The homeslice who searched, “did cavemen beat their wives?” stayed on my site for 55 minutes and it appears as if he read 8 entries. Thanks for reading, homeslice! I hope I didn’t let you down. I hope you exited my site feeling more knowledgable about how you could have gotten laid if you were a caveman.
The first thought that entered my mind when I noticed that someone googled, “did cavemen beat their wives?” was, “what on earth would motivate someone to google that?” Were they just curious? Were they simply doinking around on their laptop one day when one of those overplayed, “so easy a caveman can do it” commercials came on the television, prompting them to think, “hmm, I wonder if cavemen beat their wives?” Maybe some guy was watching the Flintstones and he thought Wilma was acting like a bitch towards Fred. Then he thought to himself, “if I were Fred, I would beat the piss out of Wilma for acting like that. Hmm…I wonder if cavemen beat their wives? I should google that.” Then he became lost in the depths of The Chronicles of Rico for 55 minutes.
On a darker note, what if some guy had just gotten done beating his own wife and he was trying to make sense of his behavior. Heck, maybe he was even trying to justify his behavior or at least come to peace with it. Maybe he thought, “heck, if cavemen beat their wives, then that would explain why I beat mine. Because it’s in my nature.” Then he Googled, “did cavemen beat their wives?” and ended up getting lost in the depths of The Chronicles of Rico where he read about what his chances of getting laid would be if he were a caveman.
Maybe a woman completed the search. Maybe some woman who was beaten by her husband was trying to make sense of why her husband is such an asshole, so she googled “did cavemen beat their wives” in an attempt to find out if men are naturally inclined to beating women because our primitive ancestors did so. Then she got lost in the depths of The Chronicles of Rico where she stayed for 55 minutes and fell in love with Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave.
After heavy contemplation as to “WHY” this person google searched what they did, I started thinking about the actual question. Did cavemen beat their wives? I could see it happening, but there is one problem. If cavemen existed, I don’t think they had wives. They probably had mates, but not wives. I don’t know the exact history of marriage, but I am pretty certain that it didn’t exist during the time cavemen are believed (by some) to have been in existence.
The thought of marriage between cavemen and cavewomen provokes an abundance of zany scenarios. Such as, I wonder if a caveman ever forced his future wife to commit to some sort of primitive prenuptial agreement to ensure that he kept his cave, tools, animal skins, bag of berries and edible tree grubs in his name if things didn’t work out between him and his partner.
I wonder how the wedding ceremony would go. I presume it would go something like this:
Caveman Preacher: Mr. Dickbarf, do you take Ms. Boobarf, to be your lawfully wedded schlargdarf?
Dickbarf: Arf! (I do.)
Caveman Preacher: Ms. Boobarf, do you take Mr. Dickbarf, to be your lawfully wedded fartgarf?
Caveman Preacher: I now pronounce you fartgarf and schlargdarf. You may beat the schlargdarf.
Dickbarf then gives Boobarf an open-handed smack to the face.
Caveman Preacher: Men and women of the caves, for the first time ever, I introduce to you, “Mr. and Mrs. Dickbarf!!!”
Crowd: Arf! Arf! Ooga Booga! Arf! Arf! Ooga Booga! Arf! Arf! Ooga Booga! Arf! Arf! (while profusely gnashing their teeth, beating eachother with tree branches, scratching eachothers’ armpits, smacking eachothers’ asses, jumping and wailing their arms all over the place.)