A few weeks ago, in a post titled, “Did Cavemen Beat Their Wives?,” I mentioned that people find my site by googling some of the strangest words and phrases. In that entry, I also mentioned that I was considering making a monthly top 10 list of the strangest Google searches that led people to The Chronicles of Rico. I decided to follow through with this idea.
Here is “The Top 10 Strangest Google Searches that Led People to The Chronicles of Rico in April 2011.”
1.) randy savage horse farm
So, does Randy Savage have a horse farm? If so, why didn’t I get the memo? Please tell me that Slim Jims are not made from the horses that graze in the pastures of the Macho Man’s horse farm. Can you imagine how he treats those horses? GET INTO THE STALL!!! EAT YOUR GRAINS!!! OOHHH YEEEAAHH!!! I am assuming that the person who googled this, clicked on the story titled, “A Day in the Life of the Phantom of the Awkward.” In this story, I chronicled an embarrassing situation where I accidentally honked the horn in my car at a funeral line, but couldn’t hear my horn because the music in my car was turned up so loud. The people driving by were basically cussing me out and I had no idea why. I thought to myself, “who the hell died? The Macho Man Randy Savage?” In that same entry, I also mentioned how I grew up on a horse farm.
2.) a booger came out of my ear
So a booger came out of your ear, eh? Well, how did it get in there? It seems as if you may be asking yourself the same question and as a result, I think you are kind of an idiot. Are you sure your ear wax didn’t have a greenish tint to it? Do you by chance, regularly pick your nose? I think there may be more to this story. This person probably read my entry titled “The Man With a Booger in His Ear.”
3.) can you lose the fat on your butt
I don’t know if you can lose the fat on your butt, it kind of depends on how motivated you are to lose it. I will give you a tip though. The faster you get your fat butt off the computer chair, the faster the fat will come off your butt. Can you get your fat butt off the computer chair?
4.) did big penises mean anything to cavemen
Well, I am unsure if penis size was as much of an issue with cavemen as it is with modern day humans, but I guarantee every caveman’s penis meant at least SOMETHING to them. Regardless of how big or small their penises were, they had to use them to piss and fornicate, which are a couple of very important tasks. When I noticed that someone googled this, I got a picture in my head of a couple of cavemen comparing penises, the one with the larger penis pointing and laughing with a toothless smile at the other caveman’s penis. Who in the hell googled this? Was it someone who has a small penis and has been teased mercilessly because of it? Were they thinking to themselves, “I wish I grew up in the caveman days because then I wouldn’t be teased about my small penis because it wouldn’t matter.” Maybe this person just needed reassurance, that having a small penis is perfectly normal and that humans make a bigger deal about penis size than they should. Who knows. Whoever it was, I am guessing they read either, “Did Cavemen Beat Their Wives?” or “How Did Cavemen Work Their Swerve?”
5.) how to drive and jack off
Why would someone need to be taught how to drive and jack off? Shouldn’t this come natural? I never throught jerkin your gerkin while driving was something that required instructions. I am by no means an expert on how to successfully drive and jack off, but my guess is that it is relatively easy to accomplish. First, you drive. Then you whip out your ding dong and you tug and pull at it while simultaneously trying not to crash your car into a telephone pole. It’s that easy. It is likely that this person clicked on the entry titled, “These Jerkoffs Who Constantly Drive by Swimming Pools.”
6.) penis bitten off by a turtle in australia while skinnydipping
In the entry titled, “My Biggest Fear,” I explained that my biggest fear is getting my cock and balls bitten by a snapping turtle. The fact that someone googled this, makes me feel less crazy for fearing this. Evidently, someone in Australia had their penis bitten off by a snapping turtle while skinnydipping. I can’t imagine finding myself in a more terrifying situation. Well…I take that back. What if you were this Australian dude who got his penis bitten off by a turtle while skinny dipping, and when you swam back to shore you were greeted by a dozen open-jawed crocodiles? What would you do? Would you compose yourself and run away from the crocodiles or would you be too distracted by the fact that a turtle just bit your penis off? Honestly, this may be a situation overwhelming to the point where I would just think, “I give up” and would fall to the ground and hope that; 1.) the crocodiles don’t attack me and 2.) someone finds my penis.
7.) she loves to smell my
She loves to smell your what? Come on, don’t leave me hanging like that. The suspense is killing me. I have no idea which entry this person ran into by googling that. For some reason though, I really want to know what this woman loves to smell.
8.) the dog put its asshole in my face
Ok, dogs do have a tendency to move along as they please, regardless of where their asshole is. If the dog put it’s asshole in your face, I am pretty certain that it didn’t do so for pleasure, unless it was trying to scratch an ass-itch with your mustache. What were you trying to accomplish by googling that? Were you so traumatized by your dog’s ass being in your face that you tried surfing for online support groups with members who have also been traumatized by having a dog’s asshole in their face? Get over it, homeslice and for the world’s sake, I hope you didn’t google that phrase because the dog put it’s ass in your face and you liked it. I am assuming this person ran into the entry titled, “My Dog Loves the Smell of Her Own Ass (_l_).”
9.) my hot buns
Was someone trying to find pictures or a video of their own hot buns by googling, “my hot buns?” If so, why wouldn’t they substitute their name in place of the word, “my?” Sounds kind of conceited to me. Is this person so stuck on how hot their buns are that they just figured that if they googled, “my hot buns” that pictures and/or videos of their ass would come up? Well, if that is the case then I feel the need to apologize that instead of finding pictures of your hot buns, you stumbled into an article I wrote titled, “Throwing Hot Buns in Old Ladies Faces.”
10.) bald drag queen
I thought the point of men dressing in drag was men trying to look like women? If so, then I would say a bald drag queen would be a complete failure unless the man is trying to look like a butch lesbian. However, if that was the case, all they would have to do is simply shave their head for I’ve never noticed butch lesbians wearing an abundance of makeup. It saddens me that there are bald drag queens out there that are unable to afford a wig in this wretched economy. It confuses me why someone would google this. Does someone out there have a fetish for bald drag queens? This person probably ran into my entry titled, “I Would be the Most Hideous Drag Queen.”