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America’s Top Nude Sluts

I want to start this one off by apologizing to anyone who clicked on this entry with hopes that I had posted pornographic material on my site because this entry contains none of it. To be honest, I don’t really like porn.

After a long day of watching my 11 and 14 year old brothers, Shea and Brennan participate in the Iowa State Freestyle Wrestling Tournament in Iowa City, I hung out at my 26 year old brother, Justin and his wife, Margaret’s house which happens to be located in Iowa City. Krystal (my fiance,) Justin, Margaret and I were all pretty worn out from the day and were chillaxing in their basement watching TV.

We were having a difficult time finding something decent to watch. Justin hit the guide button on the remote controller and started browsing through channels. He browsed through every station listed in the guide including the porn channels that they do not (and probably won’t ever) have a subscription to.

While attempting to get from the porn channels to the regular channels, a title of one of the porn movies caught my eye. It was, “America’s Top Nude Sluts.” The title intrigued me so much that I immediately blurted out, “haha whoa! America’s Top Nude Sluts!?!?! What kind of competition is that?! What woman, in the right mind would want to be named America’s top nude slut?” Margaret said, “I don’t know! I was thinking the same thing!”

Justin chose to watch the Prince movie, “Purple Rain” when I said, “hey dude, before we get too far into this Prince movie, click the guide button and go back to the ‘America’s Top Nude Sluts thing and click the info button. I want to see what it says.” Justin said, “ok, this will be interesting.”

prince purple rain

Justin arrived at “America’s Top Nude Sluts” and clicked the info button. We all laughed at the description. The event was described as, “America’s hottest young stars get naked and compete to become the country’s top nude model.” “MODEL?! I thought they were competing to be America’s top SLUT,” I said. As far as I am concerned, there is a huge difference between models and sluts. Models are generally people with beautiful facial/body features who pose for photographers, artists, etc. with intentions of displaying their beauty for everyone to see. Sluts are different than models. In the 1986 Webster’s Dictionary, the word, “slut” is defined as “a sexually immoral woman.” Everyone knows that if a woman is labeled a slut, it is a huge putdown. Usually women are labeled sluts if they have slept with a bunch of men or if someone (another girl or an ex boyfriend) is wanting to ruin their reputation out of spite, jealousy or revenge. Growing up, you will hear many girls say that they want to become a model. You never hear girls say that they want to become a slut some day, let alone America’s #1 slut.

I wonder why the description for “America’s Top Nude Sluts” was, “America’s hottest young stars get naked and compete to become the country’s top nude model?” Is that how they found participants for the competition? Instead of advertising a competition to determine America’s top nude slut, they advertised a competition to determine America’s top nude model? Was the description of “America’s Top Nude Sluts” written on the flyer with the word, “slut” being omitted to make the competition seem more appealing to potential contestants? Being America’s top nude model sounds much more appealing than being America’s top nude slut unless you have no shame or dignity. Maybe these girls competed in the event believing that if they won, they would be named America’s top nude model, but were not informed that they were competing in an event that would be televised as “America’s Top Nude Sluts.” Maybe the description of the event was written with intentions of making the participants feel better about themselves. Lord knows that if I were a woman, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my life led me to being a contestant in “America’s Top Nude Sluts.” However, I don’t think the event being described as something completely different than what it actually is would ease my emotional pain. I would still feel like a slut.

America’s Top Nude Sluts. America’s TOP Nude Sluts. AMERICA’S TOP Nude Sluts. America’s Top…..Nude Sluts. America’s Top Nude….Sluts. AMERICA’S….Top Nude Sluts. America’s Top NUDE Sluts. America’s Top Nude SLUTS. America’s Top Nude-Sluts. AMERICA’S Top NUDE Sluts. America’s TOP Nude SLUTS. America’s TOP NUDE SLUTS. America’s Top NUDE SLUTS. AMERICA’S TOP NUDE SLUTS. America’s Top Nuuuuuuuuuude Sluuuutttttttsssss. America’s TOP Nuuuuuuuuuuudde SLUTS.

No matter how you say it, it sounds like a degrading competition.

There are very few scenarios that I can think of where being named America’s top nude slut would look good on a resume. Hell, even Playboy wouldn’t be interested in shooting a pictorial of America’s top nude slut. Stooping to that level would be too slutty for them. Even Hugh Hefner has too much class for that. Playboy would be interested in pursuing a pictorial of America’s top nude model, but not America’s top nude slut. However, Penthouse and Hustler may consider America’s top nude slut. Applying to be featured in magazines such as Penthouse and Hustler along with strip clubs and pornos are the only scenarios I can think of where listing your accomplishment of being named America’s top nude slut would be beneficial.

I wonder what award the winner of the “America’s Top Nude Sluts” competition received. I also wonder how it was presented. Were they given a gold medal or a trophy with the words, “America’s Top Nude Slut” engraved in it? Was the award handed to them by the previous year’s winner? Did they receive a certificate that read, “America’s Top Nude Slut” before posing for a photograph with the world’s most notorious sluts? Were they given a gift card to a porn shop? Were they given a bouquet of dildos? Were they awarded a crown made of dildos? If so, they better be careful while they are wearing the crown. It would suck being smacked in the eye by one of the dildos on your dildo crown while you are jumping up and down (with your boobs flopping all over the place,) celebrating being named America’s top nude slut. Maybe an award was given to the winner and someone came out and sang a song like they do in the Miss America pageant. Instead of some jackass singing the lyrics, “here she comes, Miss America,” Sir Mix a Lot comes out and starts rapping, “I like big sluts and I can not lie! You other perverts can’t deny…..”

The winner probably just won a bunch of money. Money will persuade some people to do anything.

On a sidenote, the Prince movie we ended up watching, “Purple Rain,” was one of the strangest movies I have ever seen. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Prince would have thought about the America’s Top Nude Slut competition. With some of the lines he spit in the movie, I bet he would have made a pretty funny judge.

mullet voyeur window peeking

Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave was able to watch "America's Top Nude Sluts" by window peeking into a neighbor's window.