404 The Justin Bieber "Beliebers" Want to Impale Me | The Chronicles of Rico
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The Justin Bieber “Beliebers” Want to Impale Me

So yesterday I checked my email and discovered that I had approximately 50 messages from YouTube. All of them were described in the subject as being replies to comments that I had left on various videos, which I found odd because I haven’t commented on a YouTube video in a year or so.

When I began opening the messages, I quickly found out that the majority of the people were mad at me because I had been going to various Justin Bieber videos and commenting about how much of a tool box I think he is. This confused the hell out of me because; 1.) I couldn’t remember leaving comments on any Justin Bieber videos and 2.) I don’t recall ever viewing a Justin Bieber video. I have better things to do with my time than watch Justin Bieber videos. In fact, there are millions of other YouTube videos I would rather watch than a Justin Bieber video. I don’t have anything against the kid, he seems like a nice boy, his music just isn’t my thing. From what little I’ve seen and heard from the kid, I don’t understand why there is all this hype associated with him, but whatever. I don’t really care.

bald justin bieber

Seriously, what is the big deal about this kid? Swarms of girls never creamed in their pants over Billy Corgan or that Powder dude from the movie, "Powder." I don't get it.

I am too old to be farting around watching Justin Bieber videos. If anything, the kid just makes me feel old. That’s it.

Some of these Justin Bieber fanatics aka “Beliebers” are freaking relentless. They become straight up ferocious when you insult their little Bieb. Read some of the shit people were saying to me:


“You are just a HATA!!! Y don’t u do something else other than hatin?”

“Don’t listen to this guy. He is just an idiot troll.”

“U just mad cus your career didn’t do shit compared to JB. Get the fuck out of here moron!”

“You only wish you could BE JB! Someones a lil jealous!!”

“Dude, you are old. What are you even doing here?”

“yeah u cool, hatin on someone half your age”

“Nice. your a hater old balls!”


“Stop hatin you washed up wannabe has been!”

Then I had an older person (presumably) who informed me of how immature I am:

“I am in shock. I can not believe a 28 year old man would stoop to the level of insulting a nice, classy KID like Justin Bieber. You sir, should be ashamed of yourself.”

It seems as if these people did their homework on me. I am assuming that they clicked on my username and saw how old I am, which prompted their insults regarding my age.

That list is only a fraction of the comments I received. I received many more hateful replies. There were just as many people (kids) who agreed with the comments that were posted from my YouTube account. Evidently, Justin Bieber does have a lot of haters. Some of these kids were like; “I agree dude, Justin Bieber is a FAG,” “right on dude,” “I know! I hate Fagton Bieber,” etc. It amazes me, some of the shit-talking that takes place via YouTube comments.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what happened. A couple days ago, I logged in to my YouTube account on my parents’ computer and checked to see if anyone had subscribed to my channel since I had recently received a comment on the only video I have ever posted titled, “Papa Suave’s Reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup.” In that video I set up the notoriously disgusting video, “2 Girls 1 Cup” on the computer and told my dad to watch it. He had no idea what awful shit (literally) he was about to see. I recorded his reaction to the video, which resulted in absolute hilarity. You can watch it by clicking here. I had forgotten to logout of YouTube after I finished checking things out.

So here is what happened. My younger brothers, Shea (14 years old) and Brennan (11 years old) visit YouTube daily. My account was still logged in to YouTube on the computer they use to watch YouTube videos. Shea and Brennan both HATE Justin Bieber with a passion. There have been countless times where I have heard them express their hatred towards Justin Bieber and complaining about how ticked off they are that the girls in their class think he is so cute. I have heard Shea and Brennan refer to Justin Bieber as almost every derogatory name imaginable. They really can’t stand that Bieber kid and sadly, I understand their frustration. I hated Jonathan Taylor Thomas when I was their age. I didn’t know JTT personally, but in junior high, every time I saw some girl in my class reading one of those teenie girl magazines with JTT on the cover, I wanted to jump “into” the cover of that magazine and beat the smirk off of his face, showing the girls who the “real man” was. I admit…I was jealous of that little peckerhead and I can totally relate to Shea and Brennan’s frustration.

jonathan taylor thomas hater

Looking at this picture brings back horrible memories. I traumatized myself by excessively hating on this smirky-faced punk. After seeing this pic I realized that I still kind of want to beat his ass. (_l_)

It was obvious that one of them had visited some Justin Bieber videos on YouTube and insulted him many times…under my username, which made a swarm of “Beliebers” get their panties in a bunch. I couldn’t even find the comments they had left under my name because by the time I looked for them they had already been buried deeply by other comments. This Bieber kid’s videos reel in a comment every 5 seconds or so. That is INSANE.

So last night I visited my parents and brought along the digital camera. When I saw my brothers, I told them to make the expression they get when they hear a Justin Bieber song on the radio. They were understandably confused about what I was up to.

justin bieber hater startled

When I told Shea to make the expression he gets when he hears a Justin Bieber song on the radio, he actually tried making a mean face, but seemed distracted by the watermelon he was munching on along with being confused about what I was up to.


boy hates justin bieber

When I told Brennan to make the expression he gets when he hears a Justin Bieber song on the radio, he was like, "what? Why? What are you doing now?"

After I took the pictures of them, I informed them about the hate mail I received and Brennan immediately confessed. He was like, “ahh dude, I thought I was on my account!” Until then, I didn’t realize Brennan had a YouTube account. Evidently, Brennan and Shea make YouTube videos of them dressing like gorillas and acting like dingleberries.

I admit, the old self esteem tank took a blow after reading some of the hateful comments from these Justin Bieber fanatics. Fans of Justin Bieber think I am one really old, lame dude. 28 years old isn’t THAT old is it? Someone called me “old balls.” It’s one thing to call me old, but this person had to take it a step further and insult my balls. For their information, my balls and I are the same age.

I also found it interesting that I was referred to as “washed up,” a “has been,” a “wannabe” along with being reminded that “my career didn’t do shit compared to Justin Bieber.” First off, I am not a “wannabe” and I wish I could punch a hole through that person’s face because I have had that Spice Girls song stuck in my head ever since I read it. I do not want to be Justin Bieber. I am cool with being Swaff. Secondly, “washed up,” “has been,” “my career didn’t do shit compared to Justin Bieber?” Who the hell do these people think I am? As far as I know, I have never pursued a pre-teen heart throb career. And I am a “has been” what? A “has been” pizza delivery guy? A “has been” truck tarper? Come on, I had good reasons to quit those jobs. I had to finish college. I am “washed up?” I am only 28 years old and have spent 4 years in the human services field and have done pretty well at it given my lack of experience when I began, yet I am “washed up” already? Since my username is “RicoSwaff,” is it possible that these people think I am Gerardo aka Rico Suave? If so, then I can kind of see their point, but I personally would rather listen to Rico Suave over Justin Bieber. No doubt about it. Sorry Biebs and Bieliebers, but there is simply no competing with Rico Suave.

rico suave rub thighs

Would you rather Rico Suave lie, take a piece of your pie and say, "bye" or be honest and rub your thighs? Rico Suave eats Justin Bieber like sushi.

I wonder who would win in a fight between the “Belieber” Army and Lady Gaga’s “monsters?” Both groups seem pretty freaking crazy.

mullet kid singer

Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave once pursued a singing career. He wanted to be a heart throb like Justin Bieber. Unfortunately, his fanbase consisted mostly of cats. And sadly, they weren't into him...they were more interested in eating the hot dog he used as a microphone.