404 In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car | The Chronicles of Rico
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In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car

So a couple weeks ago, I was driving on a paved side-road with my tunes on blast. I had just driven through the tiny town of Morning Sun, IA when I arrived at a sharp turn. Immediately after entering this sharp turn, I noticed a huge figure in the middle of the road and I instinctively slammed on my brakes and veered my car to the left, missing this large creature by an inch or two. If there would have been a car driving on the opposite side of the road, we would have had a head-on collision. I barely managed to keep my car on the road. The ditch was steep and had a dense population of large trees on the bottom that I potentially could have run into.

Initially, I wasn’t sure what exactly this creature was, but I knew it was out of the ordinary. In Iowa, the largest animals you usually have to watch for on the road are deer. From the quick glance I caught of this animal, I could tell it was shaped differently and was much larger than a deer.

As you can probably imagine, my curiosity was consuming me after this occurred, so I whipped my car around and slowly drove towards the spot where I almost mauled over this huge animal. When I arrived at the scene, the animal was still standing in the same spot, with an expression of sheer anger written on it’s face. It was a huge cow. I almost hit a freaking cow with my car…my exquisite yellow 2004 Dodge Neon. It is possible that the cow weighed more than my car.

My exquisite yellow 2004 Dodge Neon.

I sat there for a few seconds, gazing at the cow and thinking about how badly my car would have been damaged if I hadn’t managed to avoid the cow. Then the thing evidently became annoyed with my presence.It started bobbing it’s head up and down, grunting and stomping it’s hooves on the ground as if it were preparing to charge my car. I decided that this was a good time to back up, turn around and head towards my original destination. If this cow were to ram into my car, it probably would have resulted in some expensive body damage to my exquisite yellow 2004 Dodge Neon. Not to mention, if another car was traveling in the same direction that I originally was, they may have veered to the left in an attempt to avoid the cow and then had a head on collision with me because I was sitting there gazing at this cow like some sort of bewildered baboon. That would have totally been my fault. They also could have veered their car to the left to avoid the cow AND my car, which would have left them with no space on the road. If this happened, I am guessing that they would have drove into the ditch, their car probably would have rolled 4-5 times before ultimately crashing into a tree at the bottom of the ditch. No matter what, it would have been a shitty situation. An oncoming semi-trailer would have been the worse case scenario.

2 nights ago, I was on my way home from work and I almost encountered the same damn thing. It was 11 o’clock pm and I was driving on a 2 mile long, straight-away stretch of gravel road. I was traveling at a rate of 50 MPH when suddenly, I noticed a large, dark brown figure that was standing in the middle of the gravel road. I immediately slammed on my brakes. I didn’t make an attempt to avoid the animal by veering to the left or right because the gravel road was so narrow, I surely would have ended up in the ditch. When I slammed my brakes, my car fish-tailed in a counter clockwise direction and skid about 10 feet before coming to a complete stop, 1 foot away and parallel to a dark brown cow, who didn’t seem to flinch.

When I drove by this exact spot on the gravel road today (in daylight,) I noticed that there was a cow barn right next to it. I am assuming that the cow I almost hit a couple days ago was one of these 2.

My initial thought was, “SHIT! I hope this cow doesn’t plan on ramming into my car like that cow I almost hit 2 weeks ago.” Shaken, I backed my car up, straightened it out and attempted to drive around the enormous cow that I almost hit. Luckily, this cow was much more sheepish than the other cow I had encountered. When I drove slowly towards him on the road, he scurried off into the ditch. I thought to myself, “holy cow, I am fed up with almost hitting cows with my car.”

2 minutes later and a quarter mile from my house, I ran over a raccoon. It took out my car’s front bottom light attachment fender. One of the bottom lights went with it. Son of a bitch. There was no avoiding the raccoon. There were four of them crawling on the road, forming a straight line across the road. At least I managed to only hit one and not 2-3 like I thought I was going to. I guess it was just my time to hit something on the road that night.

If a raccoon damaged my car like that, I would hate to think of what a cow could do to it.

The more I have had time to sit down and think about how awful it could have been if I hit the cows, the more thankful I am that it didn’t happen. Cows weigh, what? About a ton? Due to their size, hitting a cow with your vehicle could be fatal. Dying by hitting a cow with your car would be a shitty way to go, for quite a few reasons, not only because of the potential pain you could endure. For one, the accident would probably receive coverage in the newspaper. It’s not very often where you hear of someone getting killed by hitting a cow on the road. Given the rarity of these occurrences, the newspapers may find interest in it. The headlines would be embarrassing as hell. Here are some of the potential headlines in the newspaper if I would have hit one of these cows and died:

“Man Hits Cow on Road, Dies.”

“Driver Hits Cow on Road and Dies.”

“Man Dies by Hitting Cow on Road.”

“Man and Cow Die in Collision on Road.”

“Man Hits Cow on Road. Man and Cow are Dead.”

It would sound equally ridiculous if I would have died by swerving around the cow and either colliding with an oncoming vehicle or a tree in the ditch:

“Man Avoids Cow on Road, Collides with Car. Both Drivers Dead.”

“Man Swerves to Miss Cow and Collides With Car. They All Died.”

“Driver Collides With Semi After Avoiding Cow. The Semi Won. Driver of Car is Dead.”

“5 People Dead Because Driver Avoids Cow on Road.”

Imagine the headlines if I successfully avoided the cow, but died by alternative means:

“Man Avoids Cow on Road, Drives in Ditch, Flies Through Window of Car and is Impaled by Tree. He is Dead.”

“Man Avoids Cow on Road, Drives into Ditch. Angry Cow Tramples Man. Man Dies.”

If I would have actually died from swerving to miss a cow, those PETA ass-goblins would freaking love me. I would have been a martyr for those dickheads. The last thing on earth I want to become, is a martyr for PETA. I personally witnessed the lengthy extent of their ignorance in the flood of 2008 in Oakville, IA. I grew up a mile away from the bluff that overlooks Oakville. The whole town was flooded resulting hundreds of people losing everything they owned and worked for throughout the entirety of their lives. There were many victims/volunteers laying sandbags down and doing whatever they could do to ease the catastrophe. These PETA jackasses show up and start raising a fuss because these farmers didn’t save their livestock before evacuating their houses. Ever since then, PETA has been the epitome of all that is uncool in my book. You love animals? Fine… I like them as well.  However, don’t let your love for animals interfere with whatever sense of reality you may have.  ANYWAYS…

I would feel like a total dumbass if there would have been a driver who died by avoiding a collision with the cow and me after I drove back to look at it:

“Driver Dies Avoiding Collision With Cow and Dumbass Looking at Cow.”

If I died by hitting a cow with my car, it would be very hard on some of my close friends and family. To start, if I died in general, I would expect certain friends/family to not take it well, but if I died by hitting a cow on the road, they would be faced with the burden of forever having to maintain a straight face while attempting to explain to people about how I died by hitting a cow with my car. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think death is funny. I am a sentimental, tear-flowing mooshball when it comes to death. However, I think absurdity is funny and if hitting a cow with your car doesn’t fit the “absurdity” category, I don’t know what does. Can you imagine having to explain to people that someone you loved, died by hitting a cow? I don’t think I would have a difficult time keeping a straight face because I would be very sad if something like this happened to someone I love, but I assume that EVERY time I would explain it to someone, I would catch myself shaking my head while thinking, “I still can’t believe they died by hitting a stupid fucking cow with their car.” I would probably try to steer the conversation away from the details of the death in order to avoid feelings of awkwardness.

Take my parents for example. Lets say I did hit one of those cows and died from it. What if my mom ran into a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and they asked about me.

Friend: Oh hi Jacinta (my mom’s name,) how are you doing?!?
Mom: Oh hey, I’m doing pretty good. How about yourself?
Friend: I’m doing alright! How are your sons? How is Josh doing?
Mom: Oh, well….Josh passed away about 3 years ago.
Friend: That is HORRIBLE! I am SO sorry! If you don’t mind me asking, how did he die?
Mom: Well….he….uhhh…. hit a cow with his car.
Friend: Oh….. I am so sorry to hear that…..

Can you imagine how awkward a conversation like that would be? What if the person silently chuckled to themselves after hearing this? Would you be pissed off at them or would you somewhat understand due to the bizarre and absurd nature of your loved one’s death?

Enough of this dark shit. I didn’t hit the cows. I am still alive and I am happy about it. I just think that it is crazy that I spent 28 years of my life, never driving or riding in a vehicle that had come remotely close to hitting a cow on the road, then all the sudden I have come dangerously close to hitting 2 of them in the past 2 weeks. CRAZY!!!

When I told Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave about my close calls with the cows, he immediately grabbed a baseball bat and ran out the door. On the way out he screamed, "Imma gonna get me some T-bone steaks!!!"