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Meet The Hamburglar

Meet the newest addition of our family... The Hamburglar. He is a pretty cute little kitty, isn't he? Well, don't let his physical appearance deceive you.

At the moment this picture was taken, The Hamburglar was probably brainstorming ways he could successfully bomb a hospital. If Satan exists, I am pretty certain he resides within the depths of The Hamburglar's cold, dark soul.

He was named after this turd-nugget. I wanted to give him a name that was original, yet somehow fitting to his black and white fur. Some of you may remember this guy, some of you may not. It's The Hamburglar from the old Ronald Mcdonald commercials. The Hamburglar is Ronald Mcdonald's most notorious and pesky enemy. He is a total douche-bucket. He is always stalking poor Ronald Mcdonald, trying to steal his hamburgers and cheeseburgers. He is a total buzzkill to Ronald, Grimace and the rest of the crew. However, Ronald's crew always wins in the end. The name is fitting for the cat, not only because of their matching colors, but because the cat is also a huge douche-bucket like The Hamburglar.

I can't even pet The Hamburglar without him whipping his claws out and attacking me.

I am starting to believe that The Hamburglar's purpose in life is to scratch and bite everything he sees. Here he is, biting my finger as if it were a piece of beef jerky.

I can't even sit down and watch TV without The Hamburglar attacking my feet.

He does have his redeeming moments though where he seems to like me. Here he is curling up by my feet while I am on the computer. Since I do not currently have internet at my house, I was probably typing a blog entry as this picture was taken.

Amazingly, he is good with kids. He is very nice to my 8 month old daughter, Kaiya.

But he's still a jackass.

Buying him toys is a waste of money and effort. He demolishes them. A catnip toy will appear as if it had a violent encounter with a wolverine if it spends a few hours with The Hamburglar. Here is a picture of one of those "feathered balls attached to a rubber band that is attached to a stick" cat toys. We have gone through 3 of these. The Hamburglar bit through the rubber band with all three of them.

He's not very nice to Kaiya's toys either.

I didn't think there was anything that could put The Hamburglar in his place until he started messing with one of these things. I am not sure what this thing is used for, but I think it has something to do with my baby girl. I bet you are asking yourselves, "how on earth did something so simple put The Hamburglar in his place?" Well, I will explain. One evening, The Hamburglar was playing with this blue plastic ring. He kept putting his mouth and nose through the loop and would open his mouth as if he were preparing to bite something. This eventually resulted in the plastic, blue thing going all the way around his neck like a collar. When I noticed this, I checked to see if the thing was too tight around his neck. I didn't want him to accidentally choke himself. It wasn't too tight so I just let him wear it as a collar for the time being. I didn't feel like taking it off because I was 99% sure that if I did, he would bite me. So I left him alone.

About an hour later, I was sitting on the couch, watching Cash Cab when I noticed The Hamburglar on the floor, throwing a fit. He appeared to be having some sort of acrobatic seizure. He would sprint a couple steps before jumping a foot in the air, landing on his back. Then he would do a couple somersalts and then stand on his feet for a couple seconds. He repeated this process 2-3 times before I decided that there was obviously something wrong with him and he needed help. When I checked to see what was wrong with him, I discovered that the blue plastic ring had somehow gotten caught in his mouth and was prying his mouth open. It was pissing him off. It reminded me of those horse bits that horse riders put in horses' mouths before they ride them. I am guessing that the plastic ring was loose enough on his neck that when he opened his mouth or meowed, the bottom of his mouth slid underneath the ring, ultimately resulting in The Hamburglar's jaws being pried open.

I don't blame him for being pissed off. Having a blue, plastic ring stuck in your mouth, prying your jaws open would suck ass.

Words can not explain the frustration that The Hamburglar endured while trying to maneuver his jaw from the grips of this evil blue plastic ring, but this picture sure explains it.

So how did we find the time to take pictures of The Hamburglar's horrible situation while we should have been helping him? Because it took us 30 minutes to free him. He scratched and bit the shit out of our hands while we were trying to help him. Check out the skin flaking off the left side of my hand, the small cuts on the back of my hand and the scratch between two of my fingers. All of these were inflicted by The Hamburglar while I was trying to help him. The pictures of The Hamburglar struggling with the evil blue ring were taken between breaks. It wasn't just a struggle for The Hamburglar. It was a struggle for Krystal and I as well. The cat was absolutely frantic.

My palm also took a beating.

He wasn't any calmer with my fiance, Krystal, who was also helping me get the plastic ring out of his mouth.

It was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. And for those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I have seen some bizarre shit.

In this picture, you can clearly see that it was his bottom teeth that were preventing him from escaping the blue plastic ring. We didn't notice this as we were trying to get the thing off of him. If we had, the process may have been much easier.

It is very likely that you will hear more Hamburglar stories in the future. He is a crazy boy.

Speaking of new additions to families, here is an updated picture of Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave's newest addition... his daughter Ruby will be 8 months old this Sunday.

Isn't she cute? I hope she keeps her teeth unlike her parents. Good work Rick!

Ok, ok, ok..... Here is a picture of Kaiya. 🙂 On a personal note, she has been a little life-changer and I am very proud of her. I love her so much.