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My Dad Charged Me $1100 to Shovel My Sidewalk

This is my dad. Mark Randall Swafford. Initials: M.R.S. Mrs. 🙂

My dad. If you’ve followed this blog in the past, you have read about him before.  You’ve read in the story, “Feed the Horses” about how he became so angry with me when I was younger that he was forced to finish his lectures by calling me a dumbass and demanding that my brother, Justin feed the horses.  You’ve seen his reaction when he was forced to watch the vulgar video, 2 Girls 1 Cup in the entry, “Papa Suave’s Reaction to 2 Girls 1 Cup.”  You’ve also read how he was forced to dress up as a princess for Halloween in the story, “Princess Mark Swafford and Little Red Riding Jacinta.” All in all, my dad is a very intense, sometimes grumpy, yet simultaneously kind-hearted and likable (in my case, lovable) guy.

With that said, I like to ruffle his feathers from time to time.  🙂

Everybody gets so cracked up about Bam Margera’s dad, Phil along with Justin Halpern’s father who became famous from Halpern quoting him from a twitter account titled, “shitmydadsays.”  After purchasing and reading the book, “Shit My Dad Says,” I learned that these guys have nothing on my dad.  I take that back, Phil Margera has a weight advantage on my dad. However, I could write a book containing various Mark Swafford quotes and their explanations in a matter of a week opposed to the multi-decade time span of quotes and their explanations that it required Justin Halpern to compile from his father.  Evidently, working for Maxim has it’s benefits.


Recently, I have had some horrible plumbing issues take place in the house I recently purchased.  I will spare you the details, but to say the least, I am pretty pissed off about this.  It has been extremely expensive and stress-inducing.  I borrowed some money from my dad, with the promise that I would pay him back as soon as my tax refund came in.  I borrowed a total of $1100 from him.

When my tax refund showed up in my account, I decided to be a little ornery while writing the check out to my dad.  To start, I figured that it would be appropriate to write the check to “Sir” Mark Randall Swafford.  I always read these stories about these pretentious douche-wad actors and musicians from England like Ben Kingsley who become “knighted” and INSIST on being referred to as “Sir ‘whatever their name is'” opposed to simply answering to their own name.  According to various reports, these people will not only ignore you if you fail to refer to them as “Sir,” but they may also give you an ear-full of shit.

"Sir" Pretentious Douche-Wad

I figure if these jackasses are referred to as “Sir,” then my dad is more deserving of this label than they are, for he is way more rad than them.  To put another spin on things, I figured it would be professional if I wrote the word “Mr.” before “Sir.”  Therefore, the check read, “Pay to the Order of Mr. Sir Mark Randall Swafford.”  Kind of a mouth-full, isn’t it?  Ironically, if you take the word, “Mr.” and place the first letter of “Sir” after it, you end up with my dad’s initials… Mrs.

I filled out the remainder of the check the way it was supposed to be filled with an exception of the memo section.  I wanted to come up with something that $1100 would cover.  I figured, “Shoveling My Sidewalk” would work.  The finished product looked like this:

Lol, it cracked me up because whoever saw this check when he cashed it would think that my dad charged me $1100 to shovel the snow from my sidewalk.  Hey, that’s a DEAL!  My dad does a GREAT job shoveling sidewalks.

I called my dad to set up a time and place to meet him when I was on my way to work and he was on his way home from work (I work 1st shift, he works 3rd shift).  We decided to meet at 8:15 am at a gas station.  I made sure to bring my camera to snap a picture of his reaction when he noticed that I wrote him a check that made it appear as if he, Mr. Sir Mark Randall Swafford charged me $1100 to shovel my sidewalk.

When I handed my dad the check, he couldn't be happier. He must have been tickled to death that his dumbass son actually paid him back for something. As you can see, he was all smiles.

After he took the check from my hands, he started walking away. He obviously didn't notice what was written on the check. I asked him if I wrote it out for the correct amount and he responded with, "yeah man! $1100! That's cool dude! See ya, man!"

I insisted that I thought I made a mistake, so he should look a bit closer. So he did.

He didn't approve of the manner in which I wrote the check. He screamed at the top of his lungs, "MY SON IS A FREAKING DUMBASS!!!!!"

Maybe I should go a little easier on ol’ Papa Suave.  I mean, he’s generally a pretty fun-loving, happy person as long as the St. Louis Cardinals are winning, wrestling is going well, he doesn’t hit a bunch of red lights in traffic, he’s getting laid on a semi-regular basis, he doesn’t have poison ivy all over his body including his bunghole, he isn’t recovering from a vasectomy, people (especially his children) aren’t being dumbasses, etc.

And despite the fact that one of his sons is a dumbass, he is an excellent family man.

And he loves his dog, along with penne pasta and chef salads loaded with French dressing.

But what totally separates my dad from the others is his undying love and eternal bond with that ass-goblin, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave.


😉 Love ya Dad-E-O!!!