404 If there is Any Truth to this Sign, Lobsters are Dumbasses | The Chronicles of Rico
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If this Sign Accurately Depicts Lobsters, then Lobsters are Dumbasses


So a few days ago, I stopped at Dairy Queen and purchased my usual choice, a caramel Moolatte (there is nothing on Earth that tastes better than these) and when I sat in my car, I decided to drive to a different parking lot that wasn’t as crowded.  The place was pretty busy and I didn’t want to be using a parking spot that someone else may have needed to use.

So I parked in an adjacent parking lot. When I looked up and in front of me, my view was of an advertisement sign that struck me as extremely silly.  I immediately started laughing.  Here is a picture of the sign:

steak lobster buffet


Does it strike you as funny when you first glance at it?  Evidently, this place, who’s parking lot I was parked at, has a steak and lobster buffet.  “What’s so freaking funny about that?” Those were the words Krystal asked me the following day when I had her drive me to that spot and I took a picture of it with my camera.  She was confused as to why I brought my camera to begin with and was even more confused as to why I had her drive out of her way (off the freeway) just to take that picture.

I explained to her what I thought was funny about it.  That advertisement is funny to me, not because of what was written on it, but because the lobster on the poster.  They are having a steak and lobster buffet on Saturdays and here is this picture of a lobster on the sign who appears as if he couldn’t be any more thrilled that people will be coming to stuff their faces with steak and….lobster…the animal that he just happens to be.  My guess is that this lobster is either safe from being eaten OR he is going to be eaten and is a total dumbass who doesn’t give a shit.

And what makes things even more funny about this lobster, is that he seems to be welcoming, not only for people to eat him, but for them to begin eating him in his crotch region.  As you can see, his claws are out-stretched and his face/head seem to be angled to where it appears as if he is looking at or near his crotch.  Therefore, when I look at that sign, I imagine a dumbass lobster saying, “howdy ya’ll!!!! There is a steak and lobster buffet on Saturdays from 5 PM to 9 PM!!!  Come on over and eat me, if you want!!! In fact, when you eat me, feel free to start at my crotch!!! I don’t care, it’s all good!”

If I were a lobster, and I was informed that I was to be eaten at a lobster buffet, I definitely wouldn’t have the same outlook and attitude as this lobster.  I would be scared shitless. I’d probably resemble the character, Quint from Jaws when he came to the realization that the chances of him being eaten by a shark, were pretty high.

quint jaws attack

Poor Quint...he thinks he's going to be eaten by a shark.

quint killed jaws

Things did not go well for Quint.


If I heard that there was a steak and Rico Swaff buffet this Saturday, my immediate facial expression would be a frightened one. Something like this:


rico scared

It seriously took me like 15 tries to snap the perfect "frightened face" for this pic. Man there were some stupid looking pics taken of me trying to look scared.

Nice cavity fillings.

Moving along, if I were a lobster, I wouldn’t be a very good model for the poster.  If I were the lobster-model for that advertisement, the sign would look like this:

rico lobster


I can see that poster being detrimental to business.  People may think to themselves, “well that lobster looks scared as shit, I don’t wanna eat the poor guy.”  I guess it’s probably easier to eat a happy lobster like the one in their ad, then it would be a scared lobster, like me.

If you look at the original lobster, maybe he is able to appear happy because he was guaranteed being safe from being eaten as long as he modeled well for the advertisement pic.  If I were a lobster and this was the case, I still wouldn’t be happy.  Sure, I may be safe, but my family and friends’ well-being may be in jeopardy. In that scenario, I wouldn’t be scared.  In fact, I’d be more confrontational. I am crazy-over-protective of my loved ones. If my loved ones were in danger of being eaten, “buffet style”, I would probably resemble Quint from Jaws, when he was going crazy trying to kill the shark:

quint machete

quint eaten by shark

But then again, things didn't end up going so well for Quint. Let me think of another example because I wouldn't want to be eaten while trying to protect my loved ones.

Ok, I got it.  If my loved ones were in danger of being eaten, “buffet style,” a remake of the movie, “Terminator” would be made, and I would play the role of the T-800 Terminator.  My mission would be to protect my loved ones from being eaten at the buffet.

rico terminator

I don't have any acting experience, but I think I would be an awesome Terminator. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I would be one tough looking Terminator.

But yeah, it’s just a silly sign, I know.  But if that poster accurately depicts lobsters and their feelings towards steak and lobster buffets, then lobsters are total dumbasses.

Speaking of steak and lobster buffet, it sounds pretty freaking good.  I may have to try it out.

rico and wife

I may try to be romantic on one of these Saturday evenings and take my fiancee out on a date to check it out. Krystal and I will be married in a month!


mad mullet man

One day, I took Rick out fishing on a boat in the ocean. After a couple hours, I discovered we were being stalked by gigantic sharks so I told Rick that there was a pretty high chance that he was going to be eaten by one due to his natural body odor resembling Sonny's fishing stinkbait, which may potentially attract the sharks. Rick wasn't scared. In fact, he was annoyed with me and told me to "shut the fuck up" because he was busy trying to pick up a signal for WWE Monday Night Raw on our TV.


mullet lobster

If Rick were a lobster that was trying to pick up a TV signal for WWE Raw and was told that he was to be eaten at a buffet, he would look like one pissed off lobster...nothing comes between Rick and his WWE wrassling.


Emullet man scared

In an attempt to catch Rick's attention and emphasize to him the severity of the situation, I told Rick that if he were eaten by sharks, they'd also rip his cut-off jean shorts to shreds. This is when Rick became frightened. Evidently the thought of being eaten by sharks does nothing to Rick, but once he hears that his cut-off jean shorts are in danger, he enters full-fledged panic mode. Rick has his priorities mixed up. When cut-off jean shorts seem more important to you than life itself, that's a real problem.


scared lobster mullet

If Rick were a lobster who found out his jean shorts may be ripped to shreds by whoever is trying to eat him, he would be one scared lobster.

mullet shark attack

Rick's fears became a reality when an enormous great white shark attacked their boat. By the looks of things, Rick's jean shorts appear to be in danger. In fact, things aren't looking good for Rick in general. Will he survive?


mullet eaten by shark

I think it's fair to say that Rick's jean shorts are straight up screwed at this point and it appears that Rick is about to be ripped to shreds and eaten by this shark as well. Could this be it? Could this be the death of Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave?

So what do you think?  With a way things are looking for Rick right now, does he have a remote chance of surviving?  Is Rick seriously going to go out by being eaten alive by a shark?  Is this the death of Rick and the end of The Chronicles of Rico???!!?!?

mullet man survival

Relax Hamm's, you won't be going out of business quite yet because somehow, Rick managed to survive. His survival story is unbelievable, for not only did he lose 5 out of the 6 quarts of blood in his body, but he also lingered without oxygen in the shark's stomach for 5 days. Rick was eventually pooped out by the shark in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and he had to swim 700 miles to reach the California shore. So how the fuck did Rick survive without oxygen for such a long period of time? Noone knows, but my guess is that Rick is unevolved to the point where he still has gills. Probably somewhere beneath his jean shorts and/or Dawg-Pounds cut-off T-shirt, he has gills. I don't know where else these gills would be located...the only body parts of Rick that haven't been exposed on this site would be his schlong, testes and butt-cheeks. Maybe he has a set of gills...one pair for each pimply butt-cheek. I guess being unevolved has it's benefits in certain situations. Whenever Rick is asked about this horrifying encounter with the shark, Rick replies, "I really don't want to talk about it because it was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me. I mean, I missed WWE Raw on Monday AND Smackdown on Friday all because some stupid shark wanted to eat me. I don't ever want to endure missing my wrassling shows again. It was awful."


I may kill off Rick some day and create a new character to be the “mascot” of my blog, but that’s not going to happen for a while.  I have plenty more zany stories and many ideas involving Rick that will surely be posted in the future. 😉