404 Phrases I Never Thought I'd Hear Anyone Say Until I Had Kids | The Chronicles of Rico
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Phrases I Never Thought I’d Hear Anyone Say (Until I Had Children) Part 1

I labeled this, “part 1,” because I expect these stories to be recurring, since I experience them so frequently. I’m pretty certain we’ve all had these moments. Even people who claim to have seen, done and heard everything experience this. The moments I am referring to are when you either say something yourself or hear someone else say something that momentarily makes you scratch your head and think to yourself, “holy cow, that phrase was so absurd that I can’t believe I just heard those combination of words in that order, come out of someone’s mouth.” Then you start wondering if in the history of mankind, if those exact words in the exact order they were presented, had ever left the lips of anyone else, ever.

I have always experienced this, but it seems to happen more frequently now that I am a father. Maybe it is because I am sober now and have the mental capacity to momentarily think about some of the absurd things I say or hear the moment after the phrase is uttered.

This happened to me just yesterday. Here is how it went down.


Kaiya (my 2 year old daughter): DADDY!!!!! DADDY!!!!!!! MY SLINKY!!!! I NEED MY SLINKY RIGHT NOW DADDY!!! MY SLINKY!!!! HURRY DADDY!!!! PLEASE, MY SLINKY!!!!

She yelled this at me while I was cuddling on the couch with Krystal. When Kaiya wants something NOW, I’m the “go to guy” that she barks orders at. She usually takes a different, less volatile approach with Krystal, but that’s an entirely different story.

And there’s nothing THAT abnormal about a toddler having that much passion about wanting her “slinky” IMMEDIATELY. Many kids like slinkies. Even adults do. I know I do. Ace Ventura loves slinkies as well as seen on “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.” However, the circumstances pertaining to what Kaiya was trying to do at the same time that she was demanding her slinky was what made things seem abnormal and my response reflects that. Without thinking, I replied back:

kaiya dad

Me: Hold on, Kaiya!!! SHEESH!! I will bring your slinky to you here in a couple seconds. And come to think of it, this is the 3rd time today that you have demanded a slinky while sitting on the potty. I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure most little girls don't REQUIRE a slinky to be in their hands when they are trying to go poopie in the pottie!"

Immediately after I blurted these words, I thought to myself, “man that’s weird…a toddler girl who is being potty trained who is going through a phase where she insists she has a slinky in her hands in order to successfully take a dump. I’ve never heard of anything like that before.” And I wondered if anyone else has ever experienced the same thing with their children, and despite the fact that there have been a million-zillion people who have inhabited the Earth, past and present, I honestly have my doubts…

I wonder if Rick has ever been sitting on the toilet and uttered something that is so far “out there” that you wouldn’t ever expect it to be said by anyone, ever…?

mullet man pooping

Rick: "ROXY!!! ROXY!!! COME IN HERE NOW!!! I NEED THE BUTT-WIPES, NOW!!! There's none in here! I can't get it because I'm on the can, shittin' and tryin' to calculate how old I am by looking at this here birth certificate my mom gave me for Christmas!! If you don't hurry, I'm gonna use the birth certificate, so hurry your ass up, Roxy! And after ya give me the butt-wipes, do a lapdance for me...this poop is a rough one and a lapdance may get me through it!! HURRY UP, ROXY!!!!!"

Yup, he has. Not surprising.