I began to space off at the wheel a bit when all the sudden a load of bird poop splatters on my windshield, right in front of my face on the driver’s side of my Jeep. It was a pretty huge load of bird poop. It appeared as if someone dumped a vanilla flavored “Snack Pack” from the sky onto my windshield. I felt the need to pull over and look at the sky in an attempt to find out what type of bird was dropping such huge poopies on my windshield. I don’t know about you, but when something poops on my car windshield, I at least want to see who the perpetrator was. With the humongous size of this particular load of poopies, I thought it was a possibility that I was about to discover that pterodactyls are not actually extinct.
I pull over and look up at the sky and see absolutely nothing but the clouds. Obviously, this left me in a state of confusion, because something pretty big in the sky had just gone number two all over my windshield. After contemplating what it could have been that pooped on my windshield, I narrowed it down to 2 possibilities.
Possibility #1: Some huge bird, (hawk, eagle, vulture, pterodactyl) was flying higher than the clouds where it couldn’t be seen, propped its’ butt-cheeks open and took a dump all over my jeep. This would be INCREDIBLE considering the bird would have to be flying pretty high to be chillin’ up there with the clouds. Not to mention what precise poop-aiming capabilities this bird must have had in order to have been flying as high as it was and hit my windshield right in front of my face with its’ poopies. I have always been under the impression that birds poop on windshields, faces, sidewalks, etc. on purpose. I mean, there is plenty of unoccupied free space for these birds to do their business. Why is it that they so frequently seem to drop their vanilla pudding looking poopies on things or in places where it is distracting to humans? Have you ever had a bird poop on your face? This has happened to me 3 times in my lifetime, 2 of the 3 by a robin. It was disgusting each time. Birds are assholes. It almost seems as if pooping on us is their way of taunting us. They are like, “hey humans, you jerk-offs may be the most successful species on earth, but you can’t fly like us!!!”
Possibility #2: Some huge ghost bird took a dump on my windshield. This would be HORRIFYING because the thought of ghosts is pretty scary, especially the ghost of an asshole bird.
I think what happened was probably something INCREDIBLE.