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Yardwork Husband, Yearning and Emotional Wife (A New Romance Novel by Top-Selling Author, Krystal Kay Swafford)

So, my wife, Krystal, wrote a romance novel. It was just published this week. I was on the cover. Check it out:

lawnmower romance novel

So touching. Just try getting through this book with dry eyes. I triple-dog dare ya.


Ok, so obviously the reason I am posting this entry is to promote my wife’s new book.


Just kidding. She took the pic, but I created the sloppy romance novel stuff on my own.


I actually posted this entry to give everyone a glimpse of my massive man-boobs pectoral muscles and triceps.


Just kidding. That’s not the reason either. And they are pecs, dammit!  Those bad boys are NOT man-boobs.


To be honest, I am posting this for 2 reasons:

1.) To acknowledge a funny joke that one of my funniest friends, Mary Thompson, posted as a comment pertaining to this picture when my wife posted and tagged me with it on facebook.

2.) Fill you all in on some news regarding Krystal and I.


OK, so:

1.) My wife, Krystal snapped this photo of me  through our window when I was mowing the yard.  This is not uncommon.  I don’t know if I’ve ever mowed the lawn in which the paparazzi and my fan club didn’t show up.  The paparazzi consists of Krystal and my fan club consists of Krystal, Kaiya and Phaedra (my two baby girls). Seriously, if they aren’t gaping out the window to the front yard, they are all gathered on the back yard deck. I must be a pretty important guy. 🙂  Feels good.  Makes me feel…loved.


So Krystal posted this picture on facebook and naturally, some funny comments were posted.  Some of my favorites include the following:


Swaff! You’re losing tone! Lmfao!” – Adam Johnson (10 years ago, I was chiseled as hell….no joke. Crazy ripped. That was 10 years ago though…I’ve been bulky since. Adam is behind the times).

Man he’s hot ! Lmao!” – Denzil Strickland (This dude is funny…have always liked this guy and his entire family for that matter).

Damn fitness!” – Chris Rohr (Another funny dude).

Our baby girls are looking out at you thinking about you being a super hero and I’m sitting there thinking about how I’m going to get in those pants later ;)” – Krystal Swafford (Ahhhh yeahhhhh).

Lmao, you know I’ve gotta mess with ya bro, I’ve been rocking the body style of the blob the last 30 years man…lmao.” – Adam Johnson (Haha, this Chippendales dancer didn’t need to explain himself).

HOWEVER.  My ABSOLUTE FAVORITESTESTEST comment on this picture and quite possibly one of the funniest comments I’ve ever had posted on my facebook page ever, was by Mary Thompson.  And I don’t know if anyone else thought it was as funny as I did, for Krystal and I were the only ones who clicked “like” on it. That’s CRIMINAL.  I dunno, maybe it’s just my silly sense of humor, that Mary has as well, but I thought it was funny as hell.  Her comment was:


Its like the cover to a romance novel. ‘Yardwork Husband, Yearning Wife‘.” – Mary Thompson


Imo, that is freaking hilarious and it inspired me to try to transform the pic into a romance novel cover with Krystal as the author. The pic is very amateur-ish, but there’s only so much you can do with Irfanview.  Anyways, funny, funny stuff. Kudos, Mary!


2.) You may have noticed in this entry that I referred to Krystal as my “wife,” and as “Krystal Swafford” opposed to Krystal McNeil.  Ya know why?  Derp, it’s because we got married last week!!!  In Las Vegas.  Some funny stuff went down in Vegas, one story in which I will write about in the future and hopefully post a video to it. Krystal was a contestant on comedy hypnotist, Marc Savard’s show and it was one of the funniest things any of us (the crew I rolled in with) had ever seen.  To make a long story short, I came to the show skeptical of hypnotism, but after witnessing Krystal and how she responded to the hypnotist, I am convinced….hypnotism is very, very real and a strange/hilarious phenomenon.

It’s been a long time coming for her and I.  She was a wrestling cheerleader at a rival school of my high school. I was captain of our wrestling team.  We always noticed each other at wrestling events and at social gatherings, but were both always too scared to talk to each other.  We finally “met” at Perkins when we were 19 years old. She had to introduce herself to me, for I was too shy to introduce myself…pretty much everyone I know introduced themselves to me when we met due to me being so painfully shy.  She knew all about my wrestling stuff. I was impressed as to how much she paid attention to it and of her overall knowledge of the sport.  We started dating that night and for the next month, but broke up for 6 and a half years.  We remained friends throughout that time and finally got back together 4 and a half years ago and have been together since. We also have 2 amazing children together.

Those of you who have followed my blog will surely remember Krystal from past entries. I’ve posted pictures of her and I, usually in relation to whatever topic I wrote about.  You may also recall her playing the role of “Roxy” aka Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave’s wife in past entries. She is hilarious in that role and I always thought it was hilarious that she would insert and wear “hillbilly” teeth and make a genuine attempt at making herself look trashy, yet she still looked cute.  She literally can’t make herself look ugly. But her expressions are funny as hell.  Here are some flashbacks with Krystal in past entries:


In the entry, Merry Christmas from Rick and Roxy Suave, I scanned and posted a Christmas card that we sent to hundreds of our friends and relatives for Christmas.  People generally really liked it.  To make things funnier, we had roughly 15 spare cards after we had sent them to all of our friends/family, so we ended up sending the remaining cards to random names we found in the phone book.  The return address read, “The Trailer Court.”  Haha, to this day I wonder what those random people thought when they received that card. Here it is:

white trash christmas


We did the SAME thing the following year.  This includes sending the spares to randomly selected names from the phone book. Only difference was, we had an addition to our family. The addition was our daughter, Kaiya, who sported a “buck tooth” binky in the card. I scanned and posted this card in the entry, “Rick, Roxy and Baby Ruby Sending You Hugs, Kisses and Charlie Horses” Check it:



Speaking of our first daughter, Kaiya, I wrote a lot about some of our experiences when she was pregnant with her.  Here is a pic that was taken on our way to an appointment that I wrote about in the story, “Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward.”

hot pregnant wife

She was relatively far along in the pregnancy when this was taken. So cute. Further proof that it is impossible for her to not look stunningly beautiful.


Speaking of the entry, “Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward,” her Roxy cameo was hilarious in that one:

dr mullet

Can't remember exactly what the caption was on this one, but I think it had something to do with Rick performing all gynecology procedures for Roxy and of course he has an idiotic grasp on it. You'll have to click on the link to read it.


Roxy even had the nerve to “get friendly” with Rick’s brother, Rootbeer in the entry, “Rick ‘The Mullet Man’ Suave’s Brother, Rootbeer.” Note: Rootbeer was played by my actual brother, Justin…who was a notoriously good area athlete. Multiple state qualifier in track/cross country. D1 wrestler who’s wrestling status is legendary in our geographical region in Iowa. Was a 3 time state finalist, state champ, is in the top 20 in THE ENTIRE STATE OF IOWA for career wins. No joke/exaggeration. Unbelievably talented guy. He is also a talented and dedicated musician. He is in two bands and can pretty much do it all in terms of instruments. That has been his primary emphasis these past few years. Not very many people know how freaking hilarious he can be. He donated some of his humor to this post and I was thrilled:

white trash rootbeer

Roxy, what a 2-timin' hoochie-mama. Rootbeer, what a dirtball...stealing his own brother, Rick's shirt AND trying to steal his woman. That is just "Rickdickulous."


Krystal even took her share of abuse, getting smacked in the buns in the entry, “Image is Everything to Rick The Mullet Man Suave.”

mullet wife beatin

Roxy I mean Krystal has been such a good sport. Poor girl.



But don’t feel TOO sorry for her.  She did her share of beatin’ on Rick as well as she did in the entry, “Null Sehks….uff eeenie Kind” She’d fly off the handle over stupid things, like giving a stuffed Gizmo toy too much love:

gizmo humping

Seriously, can't a mullet man hump Gizmo in peace without his wife going all "nutso-bonkers" on him? For realzies, yo!


Ahhhh….the memories. 🙂


And this beautiful, hilarious, genuinely kind-hearted woman married my silly ass last week:

stratosphere wedding

Who is the lucky boy? And how did he get so lucky? I can't answer that, but I'm definitely happy about it. Really, I couldn't be any happier right now. When we first got back together 4 and a half years ago, many people said we wouldn't last and/or we were incapable of maintaining a successful relationship. Many people scratched us off as being doomed from the start in terms of what our relationship would ultimately end up becoming. This was due to both of us re-entering each other's lives at a time where both of us were experiencing personal low points in our lives. We were both lost and people knew it and doubted us. How wrong they were. Not only have we lasted this long, had kids and married each other, but we have been co-productive and influential to each other through the thick and thin and we currently have some positive momentum going in terms of our personal lives and that positive momentum doesn't appear to show any signs of decreasing. Looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this woman. Couldn't be any happier and if you would have run this by me 5 years ago, I'd be skeptical, for I didn't think I was capable of being this happy. We are the "yings" to each other's "yangs." Rock on, baby.