So… what’s going on in this photo? Oh not much, just a fun-lovin’ group of porn stars hangin’ out in Las Vegas and thrilled as hell to be riding on a roller coaster called the X-Scream on top of the tallest building West of the Mississippi River and the tallest free-standing building IN THE WORLD called the Stratosphere! Fun times, brah!
Porn stars in photo include:
Front Row, Left to Right: Porn star, Donkey Dong Kong on the left and porn star, Marvin the Mouth-breather Peter on the right.
Middle Row, Left to Right: A Las Vegas lady of the night and porn star named “Amante de Bigote” on the left, throwing herself on the shoulder of a porn star who is keeping the mustache alive and kicking named “Mustachio Grande.”
Back Row: An aging porn star named “Marky Markin’ Marks.” As you can see in the photo, when it comes to his porn star persona, he rarely breaks character. Amazingly, he somehow managed to not break character while riding this ride. Makes sense…”riding” is his expertise.
OK,OK, JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING! The people in this picture ARE excited to be ridin’ the X-Scream, a roller coaster located on top of the Stratosphere in Las Vegas, which happens to be the tallest building West of the Mississippi River and the tallest free-standing building IN THE WORLD. However, I made the porn star names up and exaggerated a bit in terms of how many of us in the photo actually are porn stars in real life. Not ALL of us are porn stars. Just one of us is for sure and there are a couple I have my suspicions of, but the majority of us in this photo are not porn stars.
In reality, the names of the individuals in the photo, are actually:
Front Row, Left to Right: Me and Pete (a groomsmen in my wedding).
Middle Row, Left to Right: Krystal Swafford (my wife who I married in Las Vegas 2 days after this photo was taken) and Justin Swafford (my brother who was best man in my wedding).
Back Row: Mark Swafford (my dad…most of you are probably familiar with him by now)
Since I stooped to the low level of falsifying everyone’s name combined with the fact that I falsely labeled a few of us as “porn stars,” I feel compelled to apologize to everyone of the individuals in the photo personally, beginning and ending in the order in which they were mentioned.
Me: I am sorry, Rico. Although in terms of your physical appearance, you DO show a striking resemblance to Donkey Kong. Also, the first and middle names I gave you ARE fitting (not to toot my own horn or anything). But your name isn’t really “Donkey Dong Kong” and most importantly, you are not a porn star. In fact, you hate porn. No joke….I really am not into porn. I am so sorry, Rico. (Umm, did I just talk to myself?)
Pete: I am sorry. You may be a porn star. To be honest, I guess I don’t know for 100% certainty that you aren’t one. I can imagine your ass being a porn star and not telling anyone about it. I am about 99.9% sure you aren’t one. I kid. However, I have to apologize, for your name isn’t “Marvin” and I am fully aware of that. And you aren’t a “mouth-breather,” even though the expression on your face in the photo may give someone the impression that you accidentally forgot your helmet before leaving your house. To be honest, you couldn’t be any more hilarious in this photo. It’s a toss-up between you and my dad as to who is the funniest in this photo. Hilarious.
Krystal Swafford: I am sorry. My sweet, beautiful, wonderful wife who I am madly in love with. Haha, not that you read my blog anyways, but nevertheless, I am sorry. You aren’t a porn star OR a lady of the night in Las Vegas. And thank God for that. And if you love mustaches as the fake Spanish porn name I applied to you suggests, I am sorry that I haven’t grown a mustache of my own, yet. Please understand though baby, I grow a really thin, shitty, scroungy and disgusting mustache. One of those mustaches in which the hair grows in extremely thin fashion. Not to mention, I am unable to grow ANY hair straight down the middle of my upper lip…which results in one of those weird mustaches that are split in the middle. I am sorry I can’t be better for you in terms of my mustache and will try to make it up to you in other ways.
Justin Swafford: I am sorry. We’ve all heard the term, “porn-stache” and due to this, a legitimate argument can be made that you have the stereotypical “look” of a porn star because of your wickedly bodacious mustache (I could only wish to be able to grow one like that). However, the fact remains that you are not a porn star. I am about 75% sure of this, which means I am pretty damn certain that you aren’t a porn star (I kid, I kid, we all know your not). And I also apologize for falsifying your name in such lazy, sloppy fashion. It was disrespectful to mustaches. Since the Spanish porn name that I applied to you was intended to imply “big mustache,” then I did a cruddy job of naming you, for we both know that the word, “mustache,” in Spanish is actually “bigote,” not “mustachio.” In fact, I don’t think “mustachio” is even a word. I shouldn’t disrespect mustaches like that and since I did so, I am truly sorry. Love ya, bro.
Mark Swafford (Dad): I am sorry. You aren’t an “aging” porn star. In fact, you look pretty damn good for being 52 years old. I am sorry if I made you feel self-conscious. Much love and I wish the best for you and your future continued work in the porn industry. I believe your career in the pornographic arts industry STILL has a lot of life left despite being 52 years old. You are just THAT gifted at your profession. You da man!
* Maybe I am biased, but I seriously can’t imagine a group of people having a better photo taken of them on this ride. Funny, funny stuff.
SO RICO, WHAT ON EARTH PROMPTED YOU TO CONNECT THE PEOPLE IN THIS PHOTO TO PORN STARS IN THE FIRST PLACE, YA WEIRDO?!!?
I’ll tell you what prompted me to make the connection. It was my dad’s expression/body position in the photo. My first thoughts when we received the picture was, “omg, bahahahahaha, that is hilarious!! Look at Pete! Look at my dad!!!! Bahahahahaha!!!” When I was able to compose myself from the multiple minutes of uncontrollable laughter and was actually able to look a little closer at the picture, I thought, “holy shit, my dad looks like a short-haired version of famous porn star, Ron Jeremy on the job in this pic. BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” That led me to making the obvious connection between Justin’s mustache and “porn-staches.” From that point on, as we made our way downstairs and walked around and fiddled with various penny slots at the casino, I was simultaneously trying to think of fitting and/or funny porn star names for all of us.
The way everyone behaved while on the ride was pretty funny as well.
Justin and I kept pretty cool and weren’t really that vocal.
Krystal screamed and yelled and carried on as if she thought the roller coaster was going to fly off of the tracks. She was trippin.’ It was funny.
Pete was pretty similar. There were a lot of high-pitched, “oh my God’s!!!!” coming from him. And when he wasn’t doing that, he was screaming in a manner which resembled Kevin (Macauley Culkin) in the movie, “Home Alone.” Ya know, the scene where he puts on the after-shave and starts screaming? So mix Kevin screaming in “Home Alone” with a bunch of high pitched, “oh my God’s!!!!” and the result is the sound of Pete riding the X-Stream on top of the Stratosphere.
The way my dad reacted was probably the funniest (imagine that). He wasn’t very gung-ho about getting on the ride to begin with…we had to work a little bit to get him on. Heights aren’t Dad’s thing. Every time the car took nose-dives, twists, turns, etc. my dad would respond with, “UGGGHHHH!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!! FUCK THIS!!!!! HOW’D YOU FUCKERS GET ME TO DO THIS?!?! AHHHHHH!!!!!!! OH NOOOOOO!!!! AHHHH, FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!” Just to make it clear, my dad doesn’t have the cleanest mouth ever, but it’s not always dirty and littered with “F-bombs” like that. As chronicled a few posts ago in the story, “Blinded by the Light, Wake Up Like a Douche, I’m Rolling Over in the Night,” he usually has to be somewhat provoked to use that sort of language. The fact that we were riding a roller coaster on top of the tallest building West of the Mississippi (tallest free-standing building in the world), at 11:00PM, at such great heights that we could literally view the entire city of Las Vegas from our seats, and were being jerked and flipped around at an extremely fast rate of speed… I think that was enough provocation for him and almost anyone to carry on like that.
What’s Rick up to? Meh, I didn’t feel like coming up with a “Rick pic” for this one. Honestly, I couldn’t really think of anything.
QUESTION: What the hell does “free standing” mean? The employees at the Stratosphere utilized every opportunity that they possibly could, to inform us that we were chillin’ in the tallest “free-standing” building in the world. Every time they said this, I thought to myself, “I don’t know what that means, but it’s freaking awesome.” Anyone know?)