One day, I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed my teeth and headed to work. On this particular day, I made the decision to “free-ball,” meaning I didn’t put any underwear on. I free-ball every once in a while…usually in instances where I haven’t done my laundry in a long time and am low on clean undies or I am just plain and simply having one of those days where I think it will feel nice to free-ball. The decision to free-ball that day ended up resulting in utter embarrassment.
So I left for work in Burlington, IA. When I arrived in Burlington, I remained loyal to what my usual daily routine which consisted of stopping at a gas station to pick up a mocha Frappuccino. I drink one of those almost daily. I waited in line for a few minutes, while eavesdropping on the gossip of local farmers who like to loiter at gas stations in their free time to talk about corn, beans, beef, hogs, tractors, trucks and Trace Adkins.
So after roughly 2 minutes of listening to the farmers gossip and waiting in line to purchase my Frappuccino, I noticed a middle-aged female clerk behind the counter who sort of resembled Roseanne’s sister, Jackie, from the show “Roseanne.” Out of nowhere, I noticed her taking a glance at my crotch region. I thought to myself, “hmm, I think that lady just looked at my penis. Well, I don’t blame her…I am, in fact, pretty freaking studly.”
My suspicions were confirmed when the clerk blatantly glanced at my crotch again for a longer duration of time. When she saw that I noticed her looking at my crotch, she quickly looked away. However, less than a minute later, she did it again. This prompted me to think to myself, “heh, this woman is really intrigued by ol’ Studly.” I was momentarily seething with bravado. Not that I was personally interested in or attracted to this woman. It’s just that when you feel as if you are slowly passing your physical prime and out of nowhere, catch the vibe that someone considers you to be nice to look at, it’s not necessarily an “unflattering” feeling.
While still standing in line, I caught her glancing at my crotch region for a 4th time. After the 4th time, I proceeded to put my hands on my hips and look at the ceiling, with a proud look on my face. “Man, I must be super studly,” I thought. My posture and way I was standing probably made me appear as if I were posing as some sort of Greek God. Imagine me posing like the Greek God Zeus with my hands on my hips looking at the sky. In the sky, I have my eyes fixated on a flying object. This flying object is an airplane and the overly proud expression on my face indicates that I am so important and so studly, that my face and name is painted on this airplane that I am staring at. And better yet, following my name on the plane, is an “=” sign and the word “studly.”
I remember cockily thinking to myself, “yup, you are in the presence of Mr. Studly,” when the woman finally broke the silence and said to me, “excuse me sir.” I abruptly popped out of my “studly trance” and was like, “yeah?” She pointed at my crotch region and said, “you might want to take care of that.” I looked down to see that my freaking fly was down. As mentioned earlier, I was free-balling that day. Therefore, the majority of my penis was in plain sight and exposed to anyone who walked by or faced me until that point of the day. I was embarrassed as hell.
My little “studly” trip was shattered. I thanked her for pointing out to me that my penis was hanging out of my pants, for I felt lucky that I didn’t go in to work and speak with any of my supervisor/co-workers in that condition. She laughed and said, “no problem.” Despite looking up towards the sky with a proud expression on my face, Mr. Studly exited the gas station with his head hanging low, and confined behind a zipped up zipper for that matter.
And to think that the entire time, I thought I was being gawked at because I was so freaking irresistibly studly. Oh well…I have other moments in my life to make up for that embarrassing situation. (Update 2013: I wouldn’t be married to the girl I am married to if I weren’t super studly).