404 The Strangest Google Searches Ever: September 2013 | The Chronicles of Rico
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WTF Google Searches Part 2

I have done one of these before, but it’s been a while.  In fact, it’s been since May 3rd, 2011 in an article titled, “WTF Google Searches Part 1.” I think I may start doing these monthly or bi-monthly, but I probably said the same thing 2 years ago. We’ll see.

So, some of you who do not own, operate and/or maintain a blog may not know that there is this program that enables you to track which sources lead people to your site.  For example, if I posted an entry on facebook today, this program will allow me to view how many people visited my site via clicking on the link I posted on facebook.  This program is called, “Google Analytics.”

Google Analytics also allows me to view, not only how many people reached my site via google search, but WHAT they actually searched that resulted in them landing on my page.  This is good and bad.  It is good because it is interesting, gives me a better grasp on the basic concepts of SEO associated with my site and it always gives me a good laugh.  However, while browsing some of the google searches, I can’t help, but think to myself, “holy shit, almighty google. You literally provide me with the strangest audience imaginable.”  I’ll be the first to admit that my site can definitely be considered strange.  It is intentionally crude, warped, offbeat humor.  But holy shit, some of these google searches make me wonder about people.  I am not kidding when I state that 90% of the google searches that lead people to ricoswaff.com are fucking weird.  So weird, that I HAVE TO periodically fill you in on some of it. 

So in “10 list” fashion, here are some of the weirdest google searches that led people to my site in September of 2013.  Keep in mind, today is only the 21st of the month, so a large portion of the month and inevitably tons of strange google searches still remain for this month.


1.) “turtle biting my cock”

In the entry, “My Biggest Fear,” I disclosed that my biggest fear is going skinny-dipping and having my penis bit by a snapping turtle.  I hope, for this guy’s sake (and maybe for some innocent pet turtle out there’s sake) that this individual conducted this google search because they share the same fear as me. I hope I don’t have some Chronicles of Rico reader out there who sits around and lets his pet turtle bite his cock all day and felt compelled to google search it in an attempt to see if it is normal behavior or not. Well, in case this person doesn’t know yet, it ISN’T normal behavior to sit around all day with a turtle biting your cock. Maybe this person has a pet turtle that he can’t get to stop biting his cock and has become so frustrated that he turned to google for possible solutions to his problem.  If this is the case, my biggest fear of penis-biting turtles is officially multiplied by a thousand now that I know they are actually capable of behaving this way. 

2.) “this thing is going to impale me”

Ummm… if this truly is this particular individual’s situation, then it sounds like a serious one.  Should I report it?  If so, BOOM!  Reported.  If you are anything like me, you are wondering what “thing” is going to impale this poor feller and why this “thing” is going to do so.  It also makes me wonder if I have gained a reader who is experiencing delusions/hallucinations and is literally thinking that various harmless items around their house are going to impale them…and is frightened to the point where they decided to utilize google for help and presumably landed on an article, written by me, titled “These Justin Bieber ‘Beliebers’ Want to Impale Me.” I hope my article was helpful to this “about to be impaled” reader of mine, but I have my doubts.

3.) “hanging balls out of hole in underwear”

Ok, so you encountered a situation in which your balls escaped your undies through a hole.  That’s never a good situation. That same thing happened to me a few years ago and I wrote a story about it titled, “To This Day, I Wonder How Many People Saw My Balls that Night,” which I am 99% sure is the story this weird google searcher landed on.  What the hell prompted this person to google search it?  Insecurity?  Is this person embarrassed that this happened to them and needed assurance that he isn’t the only person this has happened to?  If so, glad I could assist.  I have my doubts though… It’s probably some strange mouth-breather with some strange fetish. 

4.) “would you die if you hit a cow with your car?”

Well shit, I don’t know…Why don’t you give it a try and find out for yourself and get back to me?  Hopefully my article, “In the Past 2 Weeks I Have Almost Hit 2 Cows With My Car” provided you with some clarity.

5.) “grandson rubbing grandma’s large ass cheeks”

My…goodness.  Ok, Chris Hansen, you’ve taken on and exposed the internet pedophiles…if you need any help tracking down, catching and exposing these sorts of internet goofballs, then I will gladly assist you. I have NO idea which story this person landed on after google searching this.  Probably “Grandma and Grandpa Earthquake Buns and Their Grandson, Big Fat Rico.”

6.) “can someone die from getting their dick bitten off?”

I’m assuming this person was just bored one day and thought about this, which prompted their google search.  I have no idea which story this google search would have led them to and I doubt they found the answer they were looking for on my site, for I have no idea what the mortality rate is of someone who has had their dick chomped off and don’t recall ever writing about it. Well, it was probably the “My Biggest Fear,” penis-biting turtle one that I mentioned earlier that this guy landed on.

7.) “reel pourn skrew my waff”

Who the hell is this?  Freaking Borat?  Some funny spelling. I always get a laugh when I view google searches from people who were obviously looking for some sort of porn site and ended up on my site.

8.) “did cavemen have bigger penises?”

This google search officially has me thinking. I have done my share of wondering about the potential behaviors, lifestyles, physiology, etc. of cavemen myself, which can be evidenced by the two stories, “How Did Cavemen Work Their Swerve?” and “Did Cavemen Beat Their Wives?  So… I wonder if cavemen did have bigger penises.  Interesting thought, bruh!!!

9.) “nick breuer mediapolis iowa (57 hits in 21 days from this google search)”

Nick Breuer is one of my best friends and I think it’s fair to say that he either has a stalker or someone who is extremely interested in what is going on with him right now.  57 freaking hits in the past 21 days.  Unbelievable. Maybe this person googled this and liked my page and can’t remember the URL to my site, so they continuously google “nick breuer mediapolis iowa” to reach my site.  I have no clue which entry this person may have landed on after conducting this google search…

10.) “is the hamburglar from mcdonalds white or black?”

mcdonalds hamburglar

NEITHER!!! THE HAMBURGLAR IS A GINGER-KID, YOU IMBECILE!!!!!  Well, and he is also a cat…as chronicled in one of my more popular stories, “Meet the Hamburglar” which is certainly the page this google searcher landed on.


A good 90% of you people who reached and read my site via google search are some weird mother-truckers.  Nevertheless though, thanks for reading!!! I hope my site could be of some sort of assistance to your warped inquiries!!!