404 Thanksgiving is Tragic for the Mullet Man | The Chronicles of Rico
≡ Menu

Why Thanksgiving is Awful for the Mullet Man

Rick “The Mullet Man” and his family struggle financially during holidays. Thanksgiving is one of the most financially strenuous holidays for Rick’s family because when the local schools go on Thanksgiving break, there aren’t any kids walking past the abandoned shed he resides in. This is tragic for Rick because as mentioned many times before, beating up little kids on their way to school and stealing their lunch money is Rick’s primary source of income. For hours, Rick will stand outside the shed waiting for children to walk by in hopes of wrasslin’ them down for their lunch money…With that said, every year, Rick and his family are in a state of financial turmoil during Thanksgiving.

hungry white trash

Since Rick never has the financial means to purchase a turkey for his family on Thanksgiving, he has been forced to try alternative methods of attaining a Thanksgiving turkey over the years. His initial method was his expertise…dumpster-diving.

 

white trash turkey

Rick began dumpster-diving for Thanksgiving turkeys at the age of 10. When young Rick found this particular turkey he was like, “oh hot diggity damn! It’s a Thanksgiving Hy-Vee Butterball!!!”

 

Little Rick gobbled down the “Thanksgiving Hy-Vee Butterball” in one bite and afterwards, became gravely ill. He ventured off to a local farmer’s garage to sift through some of his trash, but stopped short and passed out in the leaves, feeling more sick than he had ever felt until that point in his life.

Little Rick gobbled down the “Thanksgiving Hy-Vee Butterball” in one bite and afterwards, became gravely ill. He ventured off to a local farmer’s garage to sift through some of his trash, but stopped short and passed out in the leaves, feeling more sick than he had ever felt until that point in his life.

 

farmer white trash boy

When the farmer discovered little Rick, passed out in a pile of leaves in his garage with cat piss all over his face, he was immediately disgruntled, for little Rick resembled the types of kids he commonly spotted trying to steal the anhydrous fluid from his tanks. He knew this kid was bad news and was up to no good stinkin’ around in his garage.

 

cross eyed white trash kid

Although the farmer was annoyed, he decided that he still better help the kid seek medical attention. He carried little Rick to the emergency room at the hospital.

 

caged white trash

To make things even worse for young Rick on Thanksgiving, after the farmer dropped him off on the sidewalk leading to the emergency room, the hospital staff mistakenly thought he was a sick dog and they shipped him off to the dog pound. When young Rick awoke from his rotten turkey-induced coma a few weeks later, he found himself penned up in a dog cage with another dog. He freaked out and understandably so….it took young Rick 6 months to convince the staff at the dog pound that he was human and not a junkyard dog.

 

cross-eyed mulletman

It is difficult to imagine the atrocities Rick experienced while caged up at the dog pound for 6 and a half months. Although Rick was born with a screw loose, I think it’s fair to assume that the already loose screw in Rick’s head was forcibly given another couple turns to the left as a result of being traumatized by being penned up in the same cage as other dogs at the dog pound. When you merely mention the topic to him today, his eyes become even more crossed than they usually are and his double chin becomes more prominent. These horrifying memories obviously still haunt Rick.

 

roadkill trashy kid

After experiencing the unfortunate consequences of dumpster-diving for Thanksgiving turkeys, Rick surprisingly learned his lesson and developed a new method for finding the perfect Thanksgiving turkey. He began scouring the area ditches for roadkill-turkeys that had been mauled over and killed by an automobile. He considered this to be a safer, healthier alternative to dumpster diving for turkeys.

 

roadkill white trash

This is the method that Rick uses in attempting to find a Thanksgiving turkey to this day.

 

jorts white trash

Unfortunately, in 20+ years, Rick has never found a dead turkey in the ditch. Turkeys sure are elusive bastards.

 

drunk white trash Hamm's

Due to the stress that Rick endures on Thanksgiving, he generally tends to chase this stress away by consuming more Hamm’s beer than his usual amount. How he is able to afford numerous 12 packs of Hamm’s beer, but consistently fails to provide his family with a proper meal on Thanksgiving is a mystery.

 

candy wrapper trash

Since Rick has never had any luck in terms of finding a road-killed Thanksgiving turkey, he and his family usually have to resort to eating a scrumptious Thanksgiving dinner which consists of candy bar wrappers that he finds while dumpster diving. His family sits down and takes turns licking the excess chocolate off of these wrappers. Rick and his wife, Roxy, constantly fight over who gets to be the lucky one to lick the Snickers wrappers.

 

white trash baby

Despite Rick and Roxy’s Thanksgiving bickering, at the end of the day, they are both grateful to have each other, for they don’t know what they’d do with themselves if they didn’t have each others’ buns to smack. They are also thankful for their baby and the fact that she was born with such nice teeth compared to them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UA-17029023-1