404 Fat Swafftard | The Chronicles of Rico
≡ Menu

Fat Swafftard

Propped on a ledge above the couch in my basement where I’ve been lounging lately, is this framed picture of my dad and I:




I like the picture. My dad are pretty happy in it. I like that. However, the other night I lounged out on that couch and watched a bunch of ESPN 30 for 30 documentaries on Netflix and eventually fell asleep and crashed there for the night. When I woke up and opened my eyes the following morning, my eyes just happened to be peering in the direction of that photo. My immediate thought, literally 5 seconds after waking up was, “holy shit, my face was so puffy in that picture, it resembles Fat Bastard’s face.” I’m assuming that 90% of my readers are aware that Fat Bastard is the grotesque, morbidly obese villain who appeared in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me as well as Austin Powers: Goldmember. Waking up to the epiphany that you share facial similarities with Fat Bastard isn’t the most flattering way to begin the day, but nevertheless, I still thought it was kind of funny and decided to GIMP my face from that photo into a photo of Fat Bastard. This is what I came up with:


fat tard


Unfortunately, the facial resemblances are undeniable…in fact, I bet the majority of you are probably unable to distinguish that it’s my face in that pic…you probably can’t tell that the original Fat Bastard pic had been modified. Ugh. I have lost some weight since then…I’m not Richard Simmons by any means, but I’m not AS puffy-faced as I was a year and a half ago when that picture was taken.


All this shit is unflattering, but at the same time… I’ve had it coming for a while. Over the years, I’ve clowned on a lot of people who are closest to me. I’ve repeatedly clowned on my dad. Just a couple entries ago, I clowned on my wife. A few months ago, I clowned on my wife, my brother and one of my groomsmen in a photo that was taken of us on the X-Scream ride located on the top of the Stratosphere in Las Vegas…


So yeah, I’m due and deserving of some self-deprecating humor. And my dad thinks it is hilarious. When he saw the pic, he responded with an obnoxious, “in your face” evil laugh. Here is a pic of him laughing at me. This is what Dad looks like when he is carrying on with his notorious “evil” laugh:


randall patrick mcmurphy


When Dr. Evil saw that pic of my dad, he was all like, “that Randall Patrick McMurphy has a good evil laugh!”


Speaking of Austin Powers, I heard a couple days ago that a 4th Austin Powers movie was announced. I don’t know if there is any legitimacy to that rumor, but man I hope there is. I love those movies.