Now, although we did celebrate the state championship at the hotel bar that night, I didn’t personally over-do it or anything. In other words, I didn’t guzzle down enough beer to kill a couple dozen woolly mammoths like I used to do in college. However, I did put down a few beers. It was a fun, happy night. It had been a long time coming for my beloved Mediapolis Bulldogs wrestling team.
After a couple hours of hanging out with the other fans, relatives, coaches and affiliates of the team at the hotel bar, Krystal and I ventured back to our hotel room at about 1:00 AM. It was the conclusion of an exciting, adrenaline-filled week and I was tired. When we settled into our hotel room for the night, I stripped down to my underwear, which is what I sleep in most nights, burrowed underneath the covers and fell asleep almost immediately. I was down to my last packed pair of underwear…my whitey-tighties. They were white Fruit of the Loom briefs, to be exact.
After laying down in bed, the next thing I remember is opening my eyes while laying down in the fetal position, shivering. My face was buried in a puddle of slobber, which is normal for me. I slobber in my sleep. However, something wasn’t right. I felt cold and my body was uncovered. When I reached for the covers to cover myself up, I noticed that there were none. “That’s odd,” I thought, as I the deep-sleep induced fog I was in was slowly beginning to clear up a bit. When I moved my face away from the slobber puddle, I noticed that my face was resting on a surface that felt like the soft, cloth side of Velcro. “Ok, that feels like hotel carpet on my face,” I thought to myself. “Did I fall off the bed or something? The surface I am laying on sure seems firm.” I finally raised my head up and opened my eyes. The situation was worse than I realized. I was laying down in the fetal position, wearing nothing, but my whitey-tighties, shivering due to being cold, my face caked with slobber…AND I WAS IN THE FREAKING HALLWAY OF OUR HOTEL, WITHOUT A ROOM KEY TO GET BACK INTO MY ROOM!!!
I panicked and jumped to my feet. I experienced rapid, panic-induced thoughts such as: “How in the hell did I get here?! How long have I been passed out in this hallway in my whitey-tighties?!?! What time is it?!?! Oh crap, will Krystal wake up if she hears me pounding on the door?!?! Will she let me in?!?!?!”
After I hopped back up to my feet, I began knocking vigorously on the door of the room that I was lying down right next to, which I figured was my room. I knocked for about 3-4 minutes with no answer, while standing there in my undies, screaming, “let me in!!! Let me in, please!!!” Then finally, the door slowly opened. I felt a brief sense of relief. “Finally Krystal woke up to let me in!!!” I thought. This happy thought came to a abrupt end when I noticed that the person who opened the door was someone I had never seen before in my life. I knocked on the door to the wrong damn hotel room. The person who answered was a woman who looked to be in her mid-40’s or so and she had a terrified expression on her face as if she was gazing at a bright white ghost, when in reality, she was actually staring at my bright white body, covered only by my skimpy, bright whitey-tighties. I made eye contact with her, her face appeared more and more horror-stricken every passing second, and without thinking, I blurted out the first and only words that went through my mind at that particular time… I said, “ohhhhh SHIT!!!”
I proceeded to skee-daddle away from this petrified woman. I half-hobbled, half ran to the nearest staircase in an attempt to regain my composure and reassess the situation so I could successfully make it back to my hotel room bed and not be running around the hotel in my whitey tighties. And when I ran, I did so with such bliss that Nancy Kerrigan herself could only wish to be capable of moving as graceful as I did. Well, actually…imagine the exact opposite of being graceful. You gotta remember, I was mentally out of it and confused from just waking up in the hallway and I was panic-stricken to see someone other than my wife’s face open the door. I had also been drinking that night. Not to mention, I have hip dysplacia in my left hip that causes me to walk a bit pigeon toed…to add on to that, I have a sore knee. I truly believe that I tore my ACL about a year ago when I attempted a back flip on a concrete surface. My knee has had major issues when bent at certain angles since that failed back flip attempt. With that said, when I scurried off, it was certain that I didn’t resemble a more graceful version of Nancy Kerrigan. In fact, I probably resembled a zombie, who had it’s toes eaten off on one foot and it’s entire heel ripped off on the other foot, struggling to chase someone down. Not to mention, this zombie is wearing nothing, but whitey-tighties. Not pretty.
When I reached the staircase, I sat down and began thinking about how I was going to successfully escape this situation. I couldn’t remember what my room number was. I had no problem remembering what that number was all week, but of course when I was sitting in a hotel staircase in my undies, looking like some junky-male prostitute, I couldn’t retrieve my hotel room number anywhere in my memory bank. As I sat there thinking, I caught myself almost falling asleep AGAIN on the staircase. I was extremely exhausted.
Since I couldn’t remember what my hotel room number was at the time, I decided to peek my head down the hallway and try to guess which room was mine, based on the distance I remembered the hotel room being from the staircase. I selected my target and approached that particular room door. I glanced at the room number to that room. The number sounded familiar. I began pounding on the door while screaming, “Krystal!!! Wake up!!! Hurry up!! I sleep-walked out here and I’m stuck in my freaking whitey-tighties!!!!” After a couple minutes of me yelling these sorts of things, the door opened. Thank God. It was Krystal’s confused face looking at me. She asked, “what the hell are you doing out here in your underwear at 5:30 in the morning?” “5:30 in the morning? Is it possible that I was lying on the floor, shivering in the fetal position for 2 or 3 hours?!” I thought to myself. I replied to her, “I have no idea what happened other than I obviously sleep-walked out here.”
I instantly hopped in bed and covered up with the blankets I had been searching for when I first woke up in the hallway. Prior to falling back asleep, I began scouring my brain, trying to retrieve any sort of memory I had of doing all of this. In the depths of my memory, I somehow recovered what had happened. I vaguely remembered waking up and having to go pee. In my attempt at locating the bathroom, I failed miserably. Instead of opening the door to the bathroom, I accidentally opened the door to the hotel room and walked completely outside. The door shut behind me and when it did, I was locked out, for I was not carrying a room key with me. When I came to the realization that I had accidentally locked myself out of my hotel room, I vaguely remember being in a haze and thinking, “ah, well this sucks.” I then nonchalantly proceeded to just lay down and go to sleep. I was so out of it that it didn’t even occur to me at the time that I needed to find my way back inside my room prior to curling up and going to sleep. So I just fell down like a wet noodle and fell asleep…in the hallway…wearing nothing, but whitey tighties.
I can’t help, but wonder how many people walked by and saw me. I wonder what went through their minds. I wonder if they thought I was some passed out homeless guy. I also can’t help, but wonder if I sleepwalked and peed somewhere in the hallway because having to go pee was what led me to that situation in the first place…yet when I woke up, I didn’t have to go pee anymore.
I am 32 years old and still finding myself in these painfully awkward situations…unbelievable.