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My Biggest Fear

When you ask someone what their biggest fear is, you usually get a variety of the same answers. You ask someone, “Hey what is your biggest fear?” Usually you will get answers such as; dying alone, heights, snakes, drowning, spiders, fire, creeps, etc. In other words…..most people are scared of the same shit.

However, my biggest fears have always been a little bit different.

My earliest memory dates back to when I was 1.5 years old. I am one of these weird people who can remember random shit from when they were 1-2 years old. I don’t know why this is, and I especially don’t know why I remember the random things I do. I was a year and 10 months old when my brother Justin was born, and I don’t remember the first time I laid eyes on the little dude that I ended up becoming so close to, yet I remember the flower I picked out of my grandma McLaughlin’s garden that I gave to my mom after giving birth to him.

My earliest memory is a frightening one. My mom was giving me a bath, and I accidentally went poopy while I was in the bathtub. This poopy ended up being a floater. It was perfectly shaped like a Nutrageous bar and it was floating in the bathwater right towards me. It freaked me the hell out. I was too young to comprehend that the little floater poopy actually came out of my body.

In my year and a half old mind, I was petrified because I was being bathed when suddenly this brown mini-log looking thing that I had seen in my diaper plenty of times is floating right towards me while I am laying down defenseless in a tub of water. I think I thought it was going to eat me. Isn’t that ironic? I was scared that the aftermath of what I ate was coming to eat me, as if it were out for revenge. It scared the shit out of me, literally. Scarred me for life I think.

Then there was the time when my family went on a vacation to the tropical city of St. Louis when I was about 9 or 10 years old. For some reason, whenever my family goes on vacation (which is not often and usually a trip to St. Louis) we always stop at the zoo.

While at the zoo we journeyed into this big room full of all sorts of different kinds of monkeys and apes. In the center of this room was a huge cage with 2 orangutangs. Or at least I think they were orangutangs. Whatever they were, these apes were fucking huge.

Ya see, at age 9 I was pretty ornery. I still am, but that’s besides the point.  In the monkey room, I did something that resulted in an abundance of nightmares further down the road.  I saw a grape on the ground and I picked it up. After picking it up, for some reason I just had to throw it at one of the apes. Seriously, I just had the urge, as if the grape was telling my hand to throw it….at the apes. I figured that if I didn’t make the first move, then the apes would do what they are notorious for, which is throwing their poopies at us. So I threw it at one of those orangutang-lookin ape thinga-muh-jigs. The grape went right through the cage and smacked the motherfucker in the side of the face.

After being pelted in the face with the grape, this ape was PISSED OFF. He glared directly at me with a pissed off ape grimace on his face and lifted his arm up and started running from one side of his cage to the other side. Not once did he take his hateful, piercing eyes off of me.

I was scared to death. I started running for the most logical hiding spots in the monkey room, most notably behind my grandfather’s leg. I also ran to the other side of cage and the fucker followed me. Everywhere I ran to in that zoo that ape would follow, staring at me with his arm in the air with that anger-induced, pissed off facial expression that I had seen plenty of times while playing Donkey Kong.  Only this time it was reality, and Donkey Kong was infuriated with me. 

When it was time for us to leave the monkey and ape room, the big cocksucker had climbed the top of the cage probably with hopes of finding an escape so he could rip me into tiny pieces.

This ruined the whole rest of my trip for me. I kept thinking that the ape would escape, find me and rip me to shreds. This became one of my biggest fears for a couple years. Until I was roughly 12 years old, the thought of that ape escaping the zoo and traveling all the way from St. Louis to Mediapolis, Iowa just haunted me. Yes, the chances of that happening is ummm…0%, but give me a break. I was a 9 year old boy with a wild imagination.

It’s fair to say that the thought of that ape someday finding me, ripping my little balls off and throwing them in my face like I did to him with the grape was my biggest fear when I was around that age. 

Currently, my biggest fear has been ongoing for the past 7 years. When I was 17 years old, my dad, brother, family friends Dave Calvin and Doran Massner and myself were fishing in a pond located down the dirt road about 2 miles from our house. While we were there, this gigantic snapping turtle kept surfacing on the water. When I say gigantic, I’m talking 60-70 pounds.  Our focus shifted from fishing for fish, to fishing for this gigantic snapping turtle. It worked. Dave Calvin caught him with his fishing pole rigged with a worm and a catfish hook. We netted him and took him to our house, and put him in this cage that we had in our garage.

We were all gathered around looking at this ugly thing when my dad was like, “Joshua, I am going to show you how dangerous snapping turtles are.” He grabs this thick branch out of our burning pile, and puts it in front of the turtle’s face. I’ll never forget what happened when he did this. The snapping turtle snapped at this thick branch and severed it right in half. He did it with lightning quick speed, as if it were nothing. I was stunned.

I asked my dad what would happen if the thing just snapped at the branch without snapping it in half. My dad said “when snapping turtles bite at something and it doesn’t break, they don’t let go of that shit. They will lock their jaws on to whatever they have bitten and just clamp on it and stick there. You will need a crowbar to pry it’s jaws off.”

After my dad said this, I started thinking, “What if I was going skinny dipping and a snapping turtle felt the urge to bite my wiener or balls? THAT WOULD SUCK ASS!”  Either he would bite my balls and wiener off, or if he didn’t bite all the way through, he would just clamp on to it. Wouldn’t that be delightful? Having a 50-60 pound snapping turtle clamped on to your balls and/or wiener so tightly that you have to pry his jaws off with a fucking crowbar. Can you imagine walking back to shore with a big, ugly snapping turtle latched onto your dick and balls? And then resorting to prying his jaws off of your love-package with a crowbar? That would be horrifying. It makes it even worse that snapping turtles are the most repulsive and ugly creatures known to mankind. If Christina Aguilera couldn’t keep her mouth off my wiener, I could definitely deal with that. But a snapping turtle? Hell naw!

Now I know that if you are swimming in a pond, a snapping turtle would more than likely be scared of you, and wouldn’t want to get near you. However, what if the fucker had rabies? He wouldn’t even think twice about biting some penis. Especially my big unit. A rabies-infected snapping turtle would consider that to be a big satisfying meal.

So to make a long story even longer, if you were to ask me what my biggest fear is, I would immediately tell you that my biggest fear is getting my balls or wiener bitten by a snapping turtle. I don’t know which scenario would be worse, having your balls and penis actually bitten off by the turtle, or having to pry the snapping turtle’s jaws off your balls and penis with a crowbar.

alligator snapping turtle

Look at this bastard. He looks like he is hungry for some dick, doesn't he? Imagine having THAT clamped on to your ding dong.

Hamm's beer

Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave's biggest fear is Hamm's Brewery going out of business.