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My Dog Hates Mullets

These days I sport a mullet frequently. Not a real mullet, but a fake one. My girlfriend and I have the same exact color of hair. Therefore, when I attach her hair extensions to the hairs on the back of my head, it looks as if I have a real mullet. A damn nice, smooth mullet if I may say so myself. I wear it for fun. If you haven’t noticed, I have a very goofy side to me and wearing a mullet ensures that my need for excessive goofiness is fulfilled.

I also like to complete my own little sociological experiments from time to time. I find the behavior of people, and how they interact amongst each other, to be fascinating, and because of that, I consistently catch myself purposely provoking or manipulating my surroundings in a way which will result in a hilarious display of human interaction. With that said, I find it so interesting how much differently complete strangers treat me when I am sporting a mullet than they do when I am normally dressed. I touched on this sociological phenomenon a little bit in the blog titled, “God Bless the Day After Devil’s Night 2009.” Basically, when I am wearing a mullet, the main two differences that stick out are 1.) real mullet people are nicer to you and 2.) preppy people frequently laugh at you.

However, humans aren’t the only living things who treat me differently when I am sporting a mullet. My dog “Tori” freaking hates it when I come home sporting a mullet.

My dog, “Tori” lives at my parents’ house. She is a two year old, all white, scrunched-up-faced, boxer dog with one blue eye and one brown eye (not including her bunghole) who loves the smell of her own ass. I have written about her prior to this in the blog titled, “My Dog Loves the Smell of Her Own Ass (_l_).” http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/?cat=396 

I actually bought Tori as a Christmas present for my family two years ago. She was an immediate hit for my younger brothers and my dad. My mother wasn’t initially pleased with me spontaneously bringing home a dog due to the difficulty we experienced in potty training her. She grew on my mom as well though, especially once she became potty-trained. She is now my mother’s sidekick when she feeds the horses.

Now, I could literally write a book pertaining to the fun times and joy that Tori has brought to our lives in the two years we have had her, but I am only going to touch on how differently she treats me when I am sporting a mullet.

One of the many things that is funny about Tori is how excited she is to see you if you leave the house for a while and then come back. You could be gone for only an hour and come back, and she is just seething with a exhilaration when she sees you walk into the house. When she sees you, she will wiggle her butt in relentless, uncontrollable fashion. I mean this dog can really shake her ass. She is like the canine version of Shakira. I have never seen anything like it. As she shakes her butt in excitement, she will also walk up to you and rub the side of her torso against your leg. It seems to be her way of giving hugs. She seems to have a general liking for people and will do this to anyone, whether it be my dad, the UPS guy or the ice cream dude (Schwann’s man.) Every once in a while though, she will meet someone that rubs her the wrong way, in which she will growl at with her deep, husky voice. This is a rare occasion, but it happens every once in a while. One person who Tori does not like is Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave.

Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave is my mullet-wearing, trailer-residing, powdered-milk drinking, subway-stamp collecting, wrestler-wannabe altar-ego who I will randomly dress up as to run simple errands, eat at restaurants, terrorize my friends and family, etc. He made his first appearance during Halloween in 2009 and his first appearance in my blog was in the story “God Bless the Day After Devil’s Night 2009,” where I chronicled my experiences of that particular Halloween. http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/?cat=380  Most people thought he was funny, so I decided to make a Christmas card which came with a family update card based on his life.  http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/?cat=415  Everyone loved the Christmas card, so I decided to edit every one of my past blogs by inserting a picture of him with a caption that correlates him to the articles I write.  Now he is basically my blog’s mascot.

 One afternoon last summer, I dressed up as Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave and decided to pay a visit to my parents’ house. When I pulled into my driveway, I noticed Tori galloping across the yard, seemingly excited to see my vehicle pull into the driveway.

When I parked and exited my vehicle, I took a couple steps towards Tori, and when she saw me, she came to an abrupt stop and started glaring at me with a look of confusion and unpleasant unfamiliarity. I immediately thought to myself, “hmmm this is interesting, Tori doesn’t recognize me with this mullet.”

As I kept walking towards her, she went from glaring at me, to growling at me with a deep, intimidating tone. At this point I was like, “oh shit, not only does she not recognize me right now, but she does not like me either.” I immediately resorted to my dog voice that I always talk to her with when I see her. In my high-pitched, muffled dog voice, I yelled, “Scoopy poopies! Come here ya big bag of doobie boobies!” Don’t ask why, but when I see Tori, I always blabber in my “dog voice” an abundance of stupid shit that doesn’t even make any sense. Immediately after saying this, Tori recognized my voice and started profusely shaking her butt and ran over to me and gave me one of her signature “hugs.”

When I came into the house and performed my Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave routine for my family, Tori would not leave me alone. This is somewhat common. I am kind of the “clown” family member in the Swafford household. I am the family member who is always on some sort of ridiculous kick and trying to get everyone riled up. I think Tori senses this in me. Tori has been one of my primary sources of fun around the house. I am always playing some sort of game with her. I will wrestle her, play hide and seek with her, play fetch with her, etc.

Sometimes when I come home, the first thing I do is plop my buns into the rocking chair and start watching television. When I do this, Tori will walk over and stare at me with one of her chew toys in her mouth in an attempt to persuade me to chase her, take the chew toy from her and throw it so she can fetch it and do it all over again. If I do not respond to her obvious attempt at persuading me to play with her, she will drop her chew toy, lightly growl and start tugging on my pant leg to get my attention. At this point I usually can’t resist it anymore, so I jump off the chair and play whatever game it is that she wants to play. She doesn’t really do that as much with my other family members. I guess in a way she treats my youngest brother Brennan like that. It is an inside joke with our family that Tori thinks Brennan is her little chew toy, because she is constantly nibbling at him and treating him like, well, one of her chew toys.

This may be because Brennan looks a lot like me. Some say he could pass as my mini-me. When I wrestle Tori, I have too much pride to let her win, and since Brennan is 10 years old and a lot smaller than me, she probably feels as if she is beating up on a midget version of my ass when she wrestles with him.

Tori constantly instigating shit with me is very common, but when I was in the house that afternoon, sporting that mullet, she cranked it up a notch. For the life of me, I could not get her to stop biting and tugging at my mullet. It hurt like hell. I mean, the hair extensions were attached to my own hair. Therefore when she bit and tugged at my mullet, it was pulling my own hair. However, at that point I was kind of used to my hair hurting like hell when I wore the mullet because even when I was trying to do every day, routine things, my hair would get pulled to the point where I was almost in tears.

I will wear that mullet for only an hour or two, and during that time, I am guaranteed to get the hair extensions stuck in my car window, the refrigerator, my coat zipper, etc. Personally, I don’t know how people with long hair live that way. It makes me thankful for not being a woman or a real-life mullet man, because constantly getting your long hair stuck in things hurts like hell!!!

Tori had tugged and pulled at that mullet to the point where I didn’t even really notice it any longer. It’s like a fly that buzzes around your face and annoys you for so long that you no longer notice it’s presence. You just forget that the thing is even there. Eventually that night I did nothing more than sit around apathetically while my dog bit and pulled my hair. It went on for hours, until I finally decided to go home.

Tori’s behavior towards me while I was wearing the mullet did lead me to a state of heavy contemplation. Why was she so determined to nip and pull at my mullet?

Did she think that I had some sort of critter in my hair? They say dogs have an extraordinary sense of smell. What if the hair extensions were made of some sort of animal’s hair. Like a gorilla. If that is the case (which I don’t think it is) then I am glad Tori is loyal enough to protect me from the critters.

Maybe she was trying to wrestle me, and nipping at the mullet was her way of cheap-shotting me so she could win.

Maybe she just didn’t approve of the way I looked with that mullet and wanted me to go back to my “old” look. If that is the case, then I am glad she is concerned with my physical appearance. Such a loyal companion.

While all these theories are far-fetched possibilities, I think the real reason why she was excessively biting and tugging at my mullet was much more simple than the theories I mentioned. I think my dog just simply hates mullets, and doesn’t want to see her beloved friend Joshua, stray off into “mulletville.” That explains why she growled like she wanted to attack me when I first stepped out of the vehicle. She just hates mullets. Some people say dogs have very reliable and accurate instincts when it comes to judging people. If this is the case, then take my dog’s word for it, “BEWARE OF MULLETS!!! MULLETS ARE EVIL!!! Do not trust them and stay away from them if possible!!! If they come within 20 feet of you, by all means ATTACK THEM!!!!!” And by all means, never perceive that bastard Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave as anything more than a dumbass.

This is "Tori."

This is "Tori."

Tori is snarling at a mullet.


This is "Tori" and my cat, "Lieutenant Buttcheeks."

This is "Tori" and my cat, "Lieutenant Buttcheeks."


This is "Tori" biting and pulling the hair of "Rick the Mullet Man Suave."

This is “Tori” biting and pulling the hair of “Rick the Mullet Man Suave.”

My girlfriend and "Rick the Mullet Man Suave." I don't want to sound conceited, but I make a fantastic mullet man!

My girlfriend and “Rick the Mullet Man Suave.” I don’t want to sound conceited, but I make a fantastic mullet man!

This is "Rick the Mullet Man Suave" at a fancy restaurant in Muscatine, IA called "The Button Factory."

This is “Rick the Mullet Man Suave” at a fancy restaurant in Muscatine, IA called “The Button Factory.”