Some of you got this in the mail. Some of you didn’t and it wasn’t anything personal, but I just didn’t have your address. Anyways, the picture is the card we sent, and it also came with one of those “annual family update letters.” It is told from the perspective of “Rick the Mullet Man Suave” who I have referenced in a few of my more recent blogs, and his wife, “Roxy.” Here it is….
“Hello ya’ll!!!! Rick and Roxy Suave here, wanting to wish ya’ll a merry Christmas and update ya’ll on what’s been going on with our lives!!! It is hard to believe that Christmas is just right around the corner again, and this year’s Christmas will be more eventful than ever! First off, I (Rick) have been slowly, but surely moving up in the world. Recently, I have accomplished one of my many lifelong dreams. I am now living in my own camper!!! We are blessed! My whole life I have wanted my own camper and now I finally have one! It seems like just yesterday when I was living in some old man’s outhouse. In fact, just 2 years ago, I was living in an abandoned horse trailer! My new goal now may seem like an unrealistic goal, but if my WWE wrasslin’ career takes off, I should be able to git r’ done… Some day I plan on buying my own double-wide trailer! I know what your all thinking. Your thinking, “No way! No way in hell will Rick and Roxy Suave own their own double-wide trailer!” Well let me tell you something. My wrasslin’ career has made great strides these past few months, and I expect things to keep improving. I am now working full time on my wrasslin’ career. I am still wrasslin’ under the name, “Rick the Mullet Man Suave.” Every day I wake up and wait for school to begin so I can wrassle elementary students down for their lunch money. I am making roughly $40 a week wrasslin’ little kids, and I expect this to increase by twice as much if I make it big time in the WWE. Wrasslin’ the kids is good practice and my skills are becoming more and more tarnished every day!!!
Now, although things have for the most part been going well for me and Roxy, we still have our share of woes. First off, many of you may have read in the newspaper about my recent run-in with the law. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about, I will inform you. A couple weeks ago I was arrested for serious assault. This sounds bad, but trust me, when I tell you the circumstances, you will know that my actions were completely justifiable. So I was at a kegger at a trailer down the street from mine, and some lowlife insulted my mustache. I have never felt so insulted in my entire life. I know for a fact that I have a sexy mustache. In fact, the ladies tell me I have the sexiest mustache since Clark Gable in “Gone With the Wind.” You can insult me, you can insult my wife, you can insult my kids and you can even insult my hero Stone Cold Steve Austin. Just please don’t ever insult my mustache, or else your face will be going on a romantic date with my phalanges. In other words, your gonna get the smack down. I’ll put you in my signature move, “The Trailer Trash Tranquilizer.” Another woe for our family is Christmas in general. Santa Claus isn’t very generous to the Suave family. Seriously, I have prayed to Santa Claus every day since I was 4 years old, asking him to bring me presents, and the only thing that has ever been left under my Christmas tree are a couple of turds left by my kids because our toilet is plugged and it is way too cold outside to walk over to a neighbor’s trailer to use their toilet. It is ridiculous. I guess I’ll just keep praying to that fat bastard Santa Claus, and maybe one of these Christmas mornings I will wake up to the wonderful site of powdered milk and a package of leopard skin colored bikini underwear underneath the tree.
I guess I should update ya’ll on how my wife, Roxy, is doing. Right now, Roxy is trying very hard to get on Medicaid so she can afford some dental work. She is down to four teeth now. Ya see, this is due to a large number of sugar packets she has consumed over the years. Right now she is recovering from a serious addiction to these sugar packets. It was getting so bad that she was banned from every Perkins, Village Inn, Country Inn, etc. within a 200 mile radius from where we live. I don’t even notice her teeth. She is still the same ol’ foxy Roxy to me, but she insists that she needs dentures. She feels embarrassed by her missing teeth, not to mention she loves to eat oyster crackers. Trust me, Roxy would do anything to be able to munch on oyster crackers again. My teeth are doing good. I still have 12 of them left, including 3 molars!!!
Roxy and I now have 12 kids, with one on the way. Times are tough though and it has become costly and time consuming. Ya see, Roxy and I only have 1 pair of nipples apiece, and that’s only enough to feed 6 or 7 kids. We keep having to buy more and more groceries every week, which limits the funding for my wrasslin’ career. We were offered to trade one of our kids for a box of Kelloggs Frosted Mini-Wheats. It was tempting, because it has always been one of my dreams to eat a Kellogs brand of cereal, but we didn’t do it. We had a scare a couple weeks ago. We accidentally forgot our youngest boy at the Laundromat and didn‘t notice he was missing until we did a head-count before bedtime. I am forgetful sometimes. I would forget my head if it wasn’t stuck up my ass all the time.
I would write more, but this library I am at charges 10 cents per sheet of paper, and I only have $2.67 to my name right now. We hope ya’ll have a Merry Christmas!!!
Hugs, kisses and charlie-horses to all ya’ll,
Rick and Roxy Suave.”