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Lecturing My Fetus

For those of you who haven’t heard yet, my girlfriend Krystal and I are expecting a baby. The due date is October 19th, 2010. To be honest, I never thought I would have kids. I was almost certain that I shot blanks. Not that I ever tried to have a kid in the past. There were just so many “close calls” that ended up being nothing. Evidently I had at least one talented swimmer.

I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who talks to my fetus while it’s fartin’ around in it’s momma’s tummy. I do this quite frequently. Usually what I say consists of baby-talk and important life lessons, such as “please don’t roll around when your mother’s trying to sleep. If you do this, she will wake up and have to take a piss and somehow it will be my fault.” Today, I gave my little unborn child, it’s first lecture. It resulted in a pretty funny interaction between Krystal and I. It went like this…

Me: Alright, now listen up peckerhead. I read online that your ears are formed and that you are starting to hear things in this stage of pregnancy. So I know you can hear me. I also read that your vocal cords are starting to form as well, but please don’t use them to mouth off to me. I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to listen to me when I tell you something. For instance, if I tell you to quit kicking your mother because it makes her have to take a piss, then you better stop kicking your mom. Also, if I tell you to stop playing jump rope with your mom’s umbilical cord because it makes her nauseous, you better stop doing that as well. You have no idea how many times I have heard the word, “nauseous” blurted by your mother since your conception. I have heard the word “nauseous” so many times since you were conceived that it has started to make me nauseous.  So no more funny stuff. Have I made myself clear little fetus?

Krystal: Joshua, I don’t know why you are talking to my boobs. The baby is in my tummy….not my boobs.

This is me attempting to lecture my fetus, but ended up lecturing my prego girlfriend Krystal's boobs instead.

This is me attempting to lecture my fetus, but ended up lecturing my prego girlfriend Krystal's boobs instead.

You may not have heard the news, but that jackass Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave and his wife Roxy are expecting another kid. This is Rick lecturing his fetus about how Hamm's is the best beer to drink and every other kind of beer is too expensive.