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Kama Sutra For the Obese

Written on Tuesday, May 22, 2007

This article may come off as insensitive if you take it too seriously. When I write about obese people, I am not referring to the ones you are thinking of. I am not referring to those who are over-weight. If I was, then I would be slamming myself because just 2.5 months ago I was up to 225 lbs, in which I have recently gotten down to 195 because I was physically feeling like shit. The obese people I will be poking fun at in this blog not people who are simply over-weight, big-boned, or can’t help it due to genetics or a physical condition. I have a heart for these people.

However, I have a hard time finding any sort of sympathy for the blobby, huge, gigantic blobs of skin-covered gelatin who are barely able to walk, and seem to have a permanent fixture of a 2 liter of Mt. Dew in their left hand, with either a bag of Funyons or a jumbo-sized box of curly fries with extra cheese as their right hand fixture. This is a type of human that I don’t understand, and a spectrum of all kinds of zany thoughts come to my mind whenever I see them.

A couple things have recently inspired me to write this blog.

1.) A documentary on TLC about this 1200 pound man in Mexico.

2.) A 600+ pound woman that I saw at Wal Mart who was wearing grey sweatpants and appeared to have a large mass of shit (yes feces) all over her ass.

3.) George Carlin’s stand up performance, “Life is Worth Losing” where he speaks about obese couples and if it is structurally possible for them to have sex. I have wondered that same thing many times before.

So one night I was watching this documentary about this Mexican man named Manuel…(I think his last name was Garcia) Anyways, Manuel weighs 1200 pounds and he hasn’t left his house in 5 years due to his obesity. I am sorry, but there just isn’t any excuse for that. Where is your fucking pride? Ya know? Anyways, there were a few parts that really got to me.

The first was his restroom procedure. This dude had to put some sort of bucket on his asshole, shit into it, hand it to a nurse, and then…ya ready for this???? The final step of the procedure showed a nurse prying this dude’s buttcheeks apart with some special tool, and wiping his gigantic asshole with a towell. FUCKING GROSS.

I don’t think I would be able to perform this job duty…..literally, I think I am incapable. I think I would vomit the second I saw the mans poopy asshole…the job wouldn’t be done because of excessive vomitting on my part. In fact, I would probably vomit over this fat slob’s asshole, making the problem worse. Wouldn’t that be nice?  Poop-vomit spread like peanut butter and jelly all over a 1200 pound man’s pried open ass. 

The messed up thing about watching this procedure take place was that the petite little latina nurse who was helping Manuel was chipper as hell while she was wiping his humongous asshole. She seriously appeared as if she loved her job. Her expression changed to more and more chipper with every stroke of the towell. I don’t understand it. For her sake, I hope she was just trying to look chipper for the camera.

During this documentary, Manuel was trying to lose weight and MORE POWER TO HIM!!! KEEP IT UP!!!! One of his goals was to get his weight low enough to the point where he could achieve an erection. Evidently when you become that heavy, you are unable to work up a chubby. He accomplished his goal of achieving an erection towards the end of the documentary, and since it didn’t actually show the boner (thank God), it made me wonder how he knew he had one. I guess, being a male, you always know when you have one without seeing it. But this dude is different. It made me wonder if the nurse discovered it for him.  What if she discovered his boner while she was wiping his ass? And if so, did she then proceed to look at Manuel with that same shit-eating chipper grin on her face and say, “congratulations Manuel, you have a boner!!!” I hope this isn’t how it worked out, for her sake again. I mean, if I was a petite little Latina nurse, and I discovered a boner belonging to something that resembles Jabba the Hut from Star Wars, I think I would be pretty disgusted, and would probably vomit on his erect penis.

My advice to Manuel if you ever somehow find access to a computer and read this, you need to set higher goals for yourself man. Your goal shouldn’t be to only GET an erection, but to be able to SEE your erection. In other words, don’t stop what your doing. Keep losing weight so you can see your long-lost best friend again…….your penis. Then when you can see it, mack on some chicks and try to use it man… you’ve been on television, so you have a legit shot at getting laid.

One thing that many of you may not know about me is that whenever I go to Wal-Mart, I am always on the lookout for obese people wearing sweatpants. I have my dad to thank for this. During my 12 year old birthday party, my mom, my brother and I went into Wal-Mart so I could spend my birthday money.  I ended up spending my money on Tag Team, 12 Gauge, Gabrielle and House of Pain cassette tapes. While I was shopping in Wal-Mart, my friends Eric Moss, Tony Floryancic, Chad Johnson, Tyler Clover and Dan Ingrahm waited with my dad in the van.

While I was in Wal-Mart, I remember noticing that there was an abundance of obese whales shopping. Ironically, it was relayed to me by my friends that my dad went on a tangent of his own about obese people. He was like, “God dammit, I am really starting to hate this place guys. Every time I come here, I see nothing but fat people wearing Jerzee brand sweatpants, and it grosses me out.”

10 seconds after he said this, he noticed a walrus wobbling it’s way to it’s car and he said, “like this woman right here.”

Evidently when this woman maneuvered her way into her car (all 700 pounds of her,) the frame of her car the frame of her car went from being at least a foot off the ground to almost touching the ground.  All my friends thought it was hilarious. When I heard the story, I couldn’t laugh because it put me in a state of utter shock that someone could make such an impact on an automobile. After my friends told me this story, my dad chipped in and concluded with, “Joshua if I ever become a fat fuck like that, please beat my ass. That is one instance where you will have my full permission to kick me in the fucking balls. Hell, by that time my balls will probably be padded by fat globules so kick me in the teeth instead.” So far, he hasn’t gotten that big yet. He is still the hyper little, bald, intense referree that you see jumping all over the mat to make the perfect call at S.E. Iowa wrestling meets.

This occasion planted a seed in my head.  Ever since that happened, whenever I go to Wal-Mart (and I go there a lot), I am always on the lookout for these people, and last week I spotted one. She looked to be about 600 pounds and she was wearing a white tee-shirt with a pair of grey Jerzee brand sweatpants. To tell ya the truth, she sort of resembled one of those “friendly hippopottamusses” that you see in childrens’ books. I mean, if I came within a foot of this woman, I would expect her to say to me in a hippo voice, “wellll hellllloooooooo…..IIIIIIIIII’mmmm a fffriennnnnndlllly hiippppooooppppoootttaaaaaamuuuuuusssss.” Some of you may know what I am talking about, some of you may not.

Anyways, I am waiting in line and of course I can’t stop staring at this gigantic woman with her grey sweatpants, and then I noticed something. All the way down the crack of her enormous ass there was a brown streak. I may be mistaken, but I am pretty sure that this woman SHIT HER FUCKING PANTS!!!. And she is standing there with her enormous, dark-green sweatpants wearing husband and 2 chunky kids like its no big deal, as if shes used to shitting her pants in public.

As I am still waiting in line, I start to wonder why she shit her pants. Did she have the same situation as Manuel? In other words, does she have a specialist at home who needs to be present at all times to assist her while she takes a shit? 

Therefore Mrs. Bertha Beefchunks is at Wal-Mart with her husband Mr. Roy Beefchunks and her two stupid kids Ben and April Beefchunks. All the sudden she unexpectedly has to take a shit and her nurse isn’t there to assist her so she is like, “oh fuck it, I’ll just shit my pants, noone will notice.  The shit will just stick there in between my buttcheeks.” 

Maybe she forgot she was wearing grey sweatpants. Maybe she thought she was wearing her festive brown sweatpants and she thought her shit would be camoflauged. This is very possible because there is no way in hell this woman could see her legs because shes just too enormous. The size of her muffin-top made it impossible for her to be able to see her legs, therefore she may not have remembered what color of sweatpants she was wearing.

Maybe she shit her pants because the toilets in the restrooms at Wal-Mart were too small for her gigantic ass, so she couldn’t take one. You ever wonder how the hell obese people take shits in public places? I sure as hell do. I mean, maybe I am just sheltered, but I have NEVER seen a jumbo-sized toilet, specifically crafted for these people’s huge asses. Therefore, it HAS to be a struggle for them to maneuver their buttcheeks so they can successfully take a shit in one of these standard-sized toilets. Ya know, if standard toilets were too small for my ass, I think that would give me enough incentive to maybe lose some weight instead of just shitting my pants in public all the time.

You may be wondering by now why I titled this blog, “Kama Sutra for the Obese.” Because when ya get right down to it, how do these people keep popping up at Wal-Mart in such large numbers? How do they reproduce? In the words of George Carlin, HOW DO THESE PEOPLE FUCK?!?!?!?! And you know they do have sex because they always have at least 2-3 kids who are over-weight themselves, who you usually see in the aisles at Wal-Mart fighting over something stupid, like who gets to be the lucky one to carry the cheezewiz through the store (I really did see two fat siblings fighting over this once.) Kama Sutra books sell well, and the obese have to be a huge reason for this. I mean seriously, if a man and a woman who both weigh well over 550 pounds are barely able to walk, but still manage to reproduce a litter of dumb kids….how do they do it?  Learning the positions from Kama Sutra books….thats how.

mullet man obese woman

That dipstick, Rick "The Mullet Man Suave" has pulled some fattys' in his day. This is the expression he gets on his face when he sees an obese woman at Wal-Mart.

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