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I Ate a Fart

What is the most disgusting thing that could possibly ever happen?

 Ever since I was a young boy, I have pondered this question. There are many disgusting things existent in this world. I have written about many of my own personal observations, some of which left me in a state of utter disgust, but what is the most disgusting thing that could possibly ever happen? What is the most disgusting thing that has ever happened? I have considered a few scenarios.

 First off, growing up we had this video tape of the Mickey Mouse version of “Jack and the Beanstalk.” I watched this program relentlessly from the age of 3-7. I think it was called, “Mickey and the Beanstalk.” To my recollection, Mickey Mouse, Goofy and that grumpy asshole Donald Duck were living together, and for some reason they didn’t have anything to eat except for a measly slice of bread. They were so desperate for food that they had to cut the bread in the paper-thin slices for every one to have a chance to eat. By this point, that grouchy ass Donald Duck went crazy and tried killing their pet cow with an axe for food. I think Mickey ended up stopping Donald from doing this and traded their cow for 3 beans. After Mickey did this, Donald became super pissed off and threw the beans on the ground. Well, for anyone familiar with Jack and the Beanstalk, you can probably guess what happened next. The beans sprouted and the plant became a gigantic beanstalk and those nosey peckerheads Donald, Mickey and Goofy all climbed up the beanstalk.

When they climbed up the beanstalk, they entered a giant castle which belonged to a giant goofy looking douchebag with red hair and buck teeth named Willie. They entered this room in the castle full of a variety of food. Each of the food items were roughly 100 times the size of Donald, Goofy and Mickey. Now the one thing that sticks out in my head about this part of the cartoon was the scene where Goofy discovered the giant Willy’s plate of jello. Instead of eating the jello, he decided to jump up and down on it as if it were a trampoline. That is typical Goofy. As Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck are busy stuffing their faces with food because they are starving, Goofy is busy using the jello as a trampoline. What a dumbass.

Now, the reason this scene always stuck in my memory was because of the odd color of the jello that Goofy was bouncing on. It was greenish brown. I don’t know if it was meant to be this way or if the tape we taped the cartoon on was low quality. Heck, maybe our television at the time was a piece of shit. I will say though, the jello in this cartoon was pretty similar to the color of poopy after eating an abundance of green beans. I am sure most of you know what green bean shit looks like. It doesn’t have that healthy looking brown color that most poop has. It looks like poop with a hint of vegetation. Like moss from a pond. This is especially notable in babies after they have eaten green bean flavored Gerber and they leave some dumpage in their diaper. I remember making this disgusting comparison when I was roughly 4-5 years old and watching that cartoon. What if that jello really was made of shit? And if it was, what if Goofy became stuck in it and couldn’t escape? What if you had to eat your way through shit-jello to survive? For years, I thought this would be the most disgusting thing that could possibly ever happen to anyone. I thought Goofy dodged a huge shit-covered bullet there.

Can you believe it? I found a picture of "Mickey and the Beanstalk."

When I was in 5th grade, I went through a phase where I was eating a lot of Jolly Ranchers. My mom used to buy us bags of them. I would eat all the peach flavored ones because those were my favorite. Poor Justin, my younger brother, always got stuck with the crappy lemon ones. Sometimes I wonder if he has any pent up hostility for constantly getting the shaft in situations like those due to being younger than me. Anyways, I remember a 2 week span where Justin and I did nothing but hang out in our room, tape songs off the radio, listen to Steppenwolf and eat Jolly Ranchers. 

The tangerine flavored Jolly Ranchers had tendencies of pissing me off sometimes. The main reason being because they looked so much like the peach ones, and when I put a tangerine flavored Jolly Rancher in my mouth, it was always at least a little dissappointing that I was tasting tangerine instead of peach. When it came down to it though, they weren’t so bad.

However, I got to the point where I couldn’t even think of a tangerine flavored Jolly Rancher without feeling an urge to vomit. One night I had a dream that I was tutoring a certain girl in my grade on her math homework. I don’t know why I was a tutor in my dream, because I certainly wasn’t a tutor in real life. Maybe subconsciously I thought I was some sort of “poindexter.” Now this girl who I was tutoring in my dream, repulsed me in real life. She repulsed me because I sat next to her in class all year and she smelled like a combination of farts and dry piss. Every day I sat down and had to battle through her scent of musty farts and dry piss and it grossed me out and distracted me from paying attention to the teacher in the classroom. I hated sitting next to people like that, because if you have tendencies of being a bit self-conscious like I do, you can’t help thinking at times, “is it me that smells?” However, after a month or two of showering extensively every morning and drenching myself in my dad’s Polo cologne before school, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t me that reeked of farts and dry piss. It was the girl who sat next to me.

In my dream, I was tutoring her on how to successfully solve simple mathamatical equations and for some unknown reason I was also feeding her tangerine flavored Jolly Ranchers simultaneously. All was going well until she told me she wasn’t feeling well. As I started to inform her that she needed to go to the restroom, she let loose a load of tangerine flavored Jolly Rancher puke, and it all went inside my mouth.

I woke up immediately after this happened. It was 4:30 in the morning and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I now felt like I had to puke. I just couldn’t get that disgusting taste or thought out of my head. I kept thinking to myself, “although it was only a dream, that was by far the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.” Unfortunately, that was one of the few dreams that I have ever remembered vividly, and it made school much more difficult to get through when I sat next to her throughout the rest of the year. I have never told anyone about this dream until now. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything more disgusting than that.

Have you ever been 100% sure that you were right about something, and someone is disagreeing with you and it totally pisses you off and you feel insulted because you KNOW you are right. Well this has happened to me a few times in the past. I admit, I am definitely guilty of being the type of person who always thinks they are right, and it irritates my friends and family members sometimes. Every once in a blue moon they prove me wrong though. However, there was one argument I had with a friend of mine, and I knew for absolute sure that I was right and they were dead wrong. I don’t even remember what the argument was about anymore, but I was definitely right. I was so sure of this that I told my friend who I was arguing with that if I were wrong that I would eat 5 of his dingleberries. He agreed to this bet. Of course I ended up being right, but the terms of this argument told me two things.

1.) It told me that my friend who I had the argument with had an abundance of dingleberries (well at least 5), because he agreed that I would eat 5 of his dingleberries if I was wrong. He wouldn’t have made the bet if he didn’t have the dingleberries to show for it. Sounds like my friend needed to wipe his buns (_l_) a little more thoroughly.  

2.) Eating my friend’s dingleberries was one of the most disgusting scenarios I could think of. In the argument we were having, I was absolutely positive that I was right, so in order to fully prove how right I knew I was, I thought of the most disgusting thing I could possibly do if I was wrong, because I knew I wouldn’t have to do it. I seriously couldn’t think of anything I could do that would be more disgusting than eating my friend’s dingleberries.

 I thought all of the three scenarios mentioned above were about as disgusting as disgusting can be until something happened to me a couple weeks ago.

 I came home from work one evening and I had to take a whiz badly. When I tried barging into our downstairs bathroom, the bathroom door hit the comb drawer. This is how we lock our downstairs bathroom when we are using it. The door doesn’t have a lock on it, so if we need to take a shower or take a dump or something and would prefer privacy, we open the comb drawer, which is located close to the door. Therefore when the door is opened, it hits the comb drawer and the person on the outside can’t come in.

When I noticed that someone had the bathroom occupied, I shouted, “who’s in there and what are you doing?!?! I have to take a piss!!!” It was my 13 year old brother Shea. He responded with, “I am taking a shower dude! Either go upstairs or go pee outside!!!” Jokingly I yelled back at him, “your goin down wienie boy!!!” And Shea, who has entered the mouthy teenager phase, shouted back at me with, “bring it on bozo!!! I’ll beat your butt!!!” I then warned him that I was going to wrestle him to the ground as soon as he exited the bathroom.

15 minutes after the exchange, I was sitting on the couch and Shea entered the room. He had forgotten about the exchange we had, and to tell ya the truth, I almost did too, because we are always talking smack to each other just for the fun of it. It’s an every day, routine thing in the Swafford household. Then I remembered, “I’ve got to wrestle Shea down to let him know I mean business.”

I immediately grabbed his head and arm and locked him in a wrestling move called the cradle. For those of you who do not know much about wrestling, a cradle is a move that the offensive wrestler pursues that usually consists of putting your arm around your opponent’s head and through one of his legs and locking your hands. If you get a cradle locked up and bring him to his back, you will usually score backpoints and sometimes even a pin. There are different variations of the cradle, which I won’t get into. The type of cradle I put Shea in was from the front head lock. I locked up the cradle and whipped him over to his back with his legs spread open as wide as an eagle’s wings while preying on a ground squirrel. In this position, your head is not right next to your opponent’s ass (_l_), but pretty close. This worked for Shea’s advantage.  Right when I started putting the clamps on and making the cradle tighter, he let loose a huge fart. It just so happened that he farted at the same exact time that I was taking a deep breath in. Therefore I inhaled his fart and it smelled awful.

A gaseous explosion reeking of sewage and rotton cheese had seeped into my lungs. Out of surprise, my physical reaction to this disgusting fart was to gasp. My gasp for fresh air was followed by an accidental swallow. I then released Shea got on my hands and knees and started panting.  I was whining to anyone who would listen, “oh my God, I just inhaled Shea’s fart and swallowed it!!!” Then the absolute worst part of this experience occurred. I burped out Shea’s fart. I could taste the damn thing in my mouth, and when it exited my mouth, I could smell it again. It was awful.

I was grossed out to the point where I was immobile. Shea took this opportunity to put me on my back and pin me. I didn’t even care. I needed some time to recuperate because I was on the verge of puking. Wouldn’t that be nice? Fart puke. Yum yum.

 I believe this takes the cake as the most disgusting thing that has ever happened to me. I literally ate a fart.

 
 
 
 
 

This is the type of cradle I had Shea locked up in before he farted.

This is the type of cradle I had Shea locked up in before he farted.

This is the sad expression I get on my face when I relive the traumatic experience of eating Shea's fart.

This is the sad expression I get on my face when I relive the traumatic experience of eating Shea's fart.

This is how that jerkmunch Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave would react if he ate a fart. In fact, I told him the story and he seemed jealous that he didn't eat the fart.

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