Kama Sutra for the Obese Part 2
By Joshua Rico Swafford
Written on 4/22/2008
For those of you who read my blogs, you may remember when I posted one that listed some of my zany and controversial observations of obese people. It was called, “Kama Sutra for the Obese.” If you haven’t read that one, then go back and do so prior to reading this one.
I concluded that blog by stating that I believed that in order for obese people to reproduce, they have to read Kama Sutra books. They need to learn how to properly position themselves to where they can actually have sex. In the words of George Carlin, “How is it structurally possible for two morbidly obese people to have sex?”
This blog is basically just picking up where I left off on that topic, and elaborating with a shower of new observations and stories. If you consider yourself overweight, try not to take this too personally. I am not poking fun at individuals who are overweight, big-bones, have a genetic or physical condition, ect. And yes it is sad that people end up this way and maybe I should be a little more sensitive while blurting my opinions about obesity issues, but there comes a point where it becomes too much and I just lose any sort of sympathy for these people. There is a difference between being overweight and being straight up worthless and obese. I have a heart for people who are overweight. But for your obese people with no excuses, I just want to say to them “come on, put the fucking ding-dong down, whichever ding dong it is, whether its the food or the penis(if they can reach it)…put it down, get off the fucking couch and do some fucking jumping jacks!”
I will start by writing about something I came across in the news. Evidently this woman became so obese that she took either a dump or a piss, and didn’t get off the toilet for two years. You believe that shit? For two years straight this woman was sitting on a fucking toilet because she was too freaking fat and lazy to get up after taking a shit or piss. It got to the point where her skin and flesh was actually starting to mold around the toilet. If this would have gone on for any longer, she eventually would have become the toilet.
ATTENTION CHILDREN: THE TOILET MONSTER IS REAL, AND IT COMES IN THE FORM OF A MORBIDLY OBESE WOMAN.
To her family, she probably WAS the toilet. I mean, where else were THEY going to go to the bathroom? Her children probably just got fed up with her being stuck to the toilet and were like “fuck it, I’m just going to piss on my fat mom‘s face.” And when they had to go number two, they did just that. They probably sat on their mom’s lap and went poopy in her humongous bellybutton. I realize that’s a gross thought, but seriously, how can someone be so lazy to the point where they don’t drag their asses off the toilet for two years?
So in order for her to survive, there had to have been someone bringing her food/water. It was probably her husband. Now that is romantic, isn’t it? Instead of bringing your wife breakfast in bed, you are bringing her breakfast on the toilet. Awww…that has romance seething out of it. Anyways, in order for this woman to survive, she had to eat and drink. And if she is eating and drinking, then she is still shitting and pissing. With that said, I wonder how bad she panicked when she plugged up the toilet. When that happened, I wonder if she somehow figured out a way to transform her ass into a plunger in order to fix the problem. Never underestimate the capabilities of a fat ass. If I was her, I would probably be pissed off whenever I accidentally plugged up the toilet, especially when I felt the floating turds hitting my butt-cheeks. I’d be like “Ahhh what the fuck, my turds just hit my ass!!!“
Here is a related story. I actually heard this by word of mouth, from a girl who works at the hospital in Dubuque, IA. One time they received a unique patient. This was a 575 pound woman. If this woman happened to be a catfish, she would be quite the catch, a record more than likely, but this was no catfish. This was a human woman, therefore she is not exactly what I would describe as being a “good catch.” However, she had a husband who was extremely devoted towards her. Get this. This woman became so obese that she needed assistance going poopy. When she had to go poopy, she had her husband pry her butt-cheeks apart with some sort of tool when she had to go. Otherwise she would make a huge mess.
Now that’s love. I would like to say that when I love a girl, its strong, everlasting and unconditional, but when I hear of situations like these it kind of makes me rethink things a little bit. If my significant other ever became obese to the point where I had to prop their butt-cheeks apart when she had to take a poopy, I would fall out of love faster than she could eat a double-cheeseburger. Hell I don’t even like it when a girl poops in general. In fact, I have a hard time accepting the fact that girls fart.
This guy either had some fucked up fetish or truly had unconditional love for this woman to stay with her, knowing that he would have to prop her butt-cheeks apart when she shits on a daily basis. This guy must possess an amount of romantic devotion that I will never be able to understand.
I can’t write a story of obese people without mentioning Wal-Mart. If you want to scope out some really gross, obese people wearing Jerzee-brand sweatpants, then Wal-Mart is the place to go.
So I was in line, buying some stuff when a humongous woman, I would say about 5-600 pounds and her dumb ass son caught my eye. Her son was being a complete brat, and was pissed off because the gumball machine that he put a quarter into, gave him a white gumball. Evidently he hates the white ones.
This boy was wearing a sweatshirt with a tyrannosaurus rex on it, which is totally ironic, because his mom kind of resembled a tyrannosaurus rex. In fact, if I was to describe what his mom looked like, I would describe her as being one-third human, one-third tyrannosaurus rex, and one-third friendly hippopotamus.
Her ass is what really made her stand out from the obese crowd and gave her that friendly hippopotamus vibe. Her ass looked like two gigantic popcorn balls covered by sweatpants material. As I started observing this woman, it struck me that she could be pregnant, but I wasn’t sure because she was so obese. She was morbidly obese, but had a bulge right where the pregnancy spot of the stomach is. That’s pretty bad, when someone is so obese that other people can’t tell if you are pregnant or not.
Then I started thinking. What if SHE doesn’t even know if she is pregnant or not? What if she is pregnant, but in her head she doesn’t think she is pregnant, but instead just has to take a huge dump. She’s thinking, “Hmm, I feel something big in my stomach, must be that 64 ounce steak I ate last week. Wow I must be brewin a huge poopy from that.”
As I am still in line waiting to be checked out, I started wondering…..”if she is pregnant, who the hell fucked her?” Seriously, who could seriously work up a chubby to that? It has to be someone super-perverted. Who actually has the ability to work up a chubby to these chubby chub-chubs? Some people like their mates funky but chunky I guess.
Have you ever noticed that many obese people have similar sounding voices? Obese men sound like they are half man, half cow. Obese women sound as if they are choking on a duckbilled platypus.