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Rico Swaff’s Super Wildlife Adventures

Rico Swaff’s Super Wildlife Adventures
By Rico Swafford
Written on 7/31/2007

So I finished up my career at Loras College in Dubuque, IA and moved back home. I now live with my parents on a horsefarm 5 miles East of Mediapolis. I am a real winner.

So far I can honestly say that I kind of miss Dubuque. I never realized how much I loved that place, over the years it really took root in me. However, moving back home made me realize some of the things in southeast Iowa that I took for granted. One thing I took for granted was the wildlife. All the creatures that roam my area.

Ya know, its Iowa, so you don’t see any cool shit like mountain lions, bears, duckbilled platypuses, kangaroos or anteaters, but you do see your share of birds, cats, dogs, rabbits, snakes, squirrels, salamanders, ants, horses, cows, possums, muskrats, mice, snapping turtles(eek!), skunks, vultures, crawdads, etc.

Well, here are some super wildlife adventures I have experienced in the short time since I moved back home from Dubuque.

So I make the 2 and a half hour journey South on Hwy 61, from my former house in Dubuque, to my parents’ house, where I am now living. The first thing I saw when I got near my house was a vulture eating a dead skunk. On my gravel road right in front of my house there it was….a vulture….eating a dead skunk. What a wonderful greeting that was. Welcome back to southeast Iowa Joshua! Here is the most naturally and habitually disgusting animal known to man, eating a dead and decomposing version of the most notioriously smelly animal known to man. When I saw this, my first thought was that I just hoped this vulture eating a dead skunk wasn’t symbolic or metaphorical of what is to come in my future, living in Southeast Iowa again. I don’t really know what that would entail, but I am sure it sucks ass.

You could perceive it symbolically and it sucks balls. It would be like, “alright Josh, you are going to be a person that no one wants to be around due to who you are by nature, and to conclude your life, you will be taken advantage of and degraded by social scavengers.”

You could also perceive the metaphor in a literal sense and it sucks just as much balls. “Joshua Swafford, you will live your life being a stinky son of a bitch who no one likes, and when you die, someone or something will eat your dead, decomposing corpse.” 

I can’t clarify enough that I hope this sight was not symbolic of whats to come for me.

One of our horses had a baby a few days ago. I get home from work and I hear some sort of a ruckus towards my barn. Of course I had to check it out. I make my way to the barn and my whole family minus my brother Justin is there and they are all staring at this thing that looks like one of those gooey pod things that you see in sci-fi movies.

I was like, what the hell is that thing? And my dad was like, “the horse just had a baby you dumbass!!!” And I said, “what the hell?!?!?! That thing is a horse?” And my 8 year old brother Brennan was like “yeah Joshua, she just had it 30 seconds before you came home.” I didn’t even know the horse was pregnant. It was so gross. Yuck. Kinda weird coming home to that. That never happened while living on campus in Dubuque.

One thing I have never been able to fully understand is how animals develop instincts. Yes I am sure there is some sort of biological explanation for the concept (please geeks, spare me the explanation.) You can explain every biological detail of it to me, but from an observation of interaction viewpoint, I still won’t understand it.

My uncle Spanky gave us this rabbit. My mom named it Cadberry(sp?). It’s a male. To my understanding, this rabbit had been separated from its mom almost immediately after birth. It has literally spent its whole life in a cage. When my uncle Spanky gave us this rabbit, we originally put him in a cage inside our dining room, but then the room started to smell like rotten chicken nuggets so we moved his cage outside to our wrap around porch. This is where he has lived the remainder of his life so far.

One Sunday I am sitting on the couch watching Nickelodeon and my mom and two youngest brothers come home with three new pets. One is a dog who hates people and now resides in our timber and only comes out at night to eat the food we leave out for him. The other two were rabbits.

Just what we needed, two more stupid-ass rabbits. Anyways, I looked at these rabbits and immediately thought it would be a bright idea if we put one in Cadberry’s cage, since he hadn’t seen another rabbit since he was separated from his mom as an infant. I always felt sympathetic for Cadberry’s loneliness. This bright idea ended up short-circuiting before the light-bulb turned on.

I notified my 8 year old brother Brennan and 10 year old brother Shea of this plan and they thought it was a good idea as well. So I grab one of these new rabbits in Cadberry’s cage and guess what happened? You probably guessed it by now, because you probably have more common sense than me. The rabbit we put in the cage was seriously not even in there for 5 seconds and Cadberry was already violently fucking the shit out of it.

I was kind of thrown off by this, mostly because I didn’t know what to do. Brennan was like, “Joshua stop Cadberry, he’s trying to kill my new rabbit!” Ya know, I probably should have stopped it right away instead of just standing there for a couple minutes clueless of what to do, but I just plain and simply didn’t wanna touch the damn things. I mean, they were having sex for crying out loud? I didn’t want to get any rabbit spunk on my hands. I just told Brennan that I was scared that the rabbits would bite me, therefore I didn’t want to touch them.

Talk about awkward, seeing two rabbits hump each other as my brothers are freaking out because they think they are killing each other. So how did I get this absurdity to come to an end? I did what any mature 24 year old man would do. I ran inside and got my mommy. She took care of it. She’s kind of got thick skin about stuff like that I think, being a nurse and all. She simply just looked at me like I was an idiot, walked to the cage, grabbed the new rabbit and put it in it’s new cage. Mission completed. 

All in all, putting them together was a pretty stupid move on my part, but how the hell was I supposed to know that was going to happen? I didn’t even know that Cadberry was a dude. I didn’t know that the new rabbit was a chick. Everybody has heard the phrase, “hump like rabbits” and it makes sense, because holy shit, this rabbit did not waste any time trying to get his rocks off. However, I couldn’t help but wonder how Cadberry knew that he was supposed to do that, and how he picked up on this tactic so quickly. I know the reason is because he is a rabbit and has instincts, but as I mentioned earlier, I don’t understand instincts. This rabbit hadn’t seen its mom since it was a newborn baby. Rabbits seem pretty stupid, I doubt he remembered its mom. I guess the thing was outside in a cage, maybe it saw a couple rabbits humpin outside its cage in our yard somewhere.  In other words, maybe he witnessed rabbit porn taking place outside of his cage. This is unlikely too though, because I have lived at this house for many years, and have yet to walk outside and see a couple of rabbits humping in our yard or on our wrap around porch. I think they do their business in the woods.

Obviously it was instinctive, because he couldn’t have learned it anywhere. There probably is logic behind animal instincts, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll never understand it.

I saw this clip on one of those “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not” shows where this one guy from a foreign country was featured. I think hes from one of those obscure European countries like Belgium or Holland. Anyways, this guy was either married, dating or in love with a goat.

Okay? A fucking GOAT? This guy is in love….with a fucking goat. It showed all this touching footage of him grazing out in the pasture with his beloved goat, and the background music made it appear as if they were just having the merriest and most romantic of times. I feel sorry for people like this. I mean seriously, how low of self esteem do you have to have in order to resort to an animal, especially one like a goat. You’d think that this guy, having a fetish for animals and all, would go to a more humanlike animal like a chimpanzee, or a funnier animal like a duckbilled platypus, but no. This guy settled for a fucking goat.

You either have to horrendously low self-esteem, or just be plain and simply fucked in the head in order to resort to an animal.

Maybe every girl he ever dated, hated the sound of his voice, or the mere thought of him speaking, so he went for something that wouldn’t be able to communicate their feelings of how much they couldn’t stand him.

Maybe he is one of these mean, sadistic type of dudes who hates the presence of other people’s voices other than his own, so he falls in love with something that doesn’t speak back to him.

Maybe he is just a weird dude. One of those people who are just plain and simply difficult to understand, and that’s why he is on a show called “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.”

Believe it or not, that poopmunch, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave was dating a horse before he met his wife, Roxy.