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Jeez…Chinese Freaking Horoscopes

Jeez…Chinese Freaking Horoscopes
By Rico Swafford
Written on1/14/2009

So I was hanging out today and I overheard somebody reading horoscopes to their friend. I listened in for about 5 minutes, and then felt the need to butt in. I selfishly interrupted with, “hey guys, can you read me my horoscope? I was born on 12-2-1982.” This individual agreed, and began reading me my Chinese Horoscope.

I had no idea what a Chinese Horoscope was or how far-fetched they were before it was read to me. So need less to say, I was feeling pretty darn pleasant as my horoscope was read to me, because its a pretty good one. This person showed me my Chinese Horoscope. Evidently, I am the Water Dog. Whatever that is. In the parentheses is what I was thinking as this horoscope was read to me. Check out how tooted my horn was…

You are a Water Dog (Water dog ehh? Bow-wow-wow.)

Water Dog people are loyal and honest and obedient, guardians of the house at night. (Yeah, I am pretty loyal and honest, and I feel sorry for any burglar that tries to burglarize my house, especially the Hamburglar…I’ll beat his ass!!!) They can be counted on to keep secrets and for always doing the right thing. (Man this thing is right on so far…I pretty much am the cat’s pajamas like that.) They can be emotionally distant and do not mix well in social gatherings where they are often seen as wallflowers. (Yeah that’s true, you gotta prove to me that your worthy of my emotional trust, before I let myself become close to you. I am such a bad ass. Silent but deadly baby.) They do better with one-on-one relationships and find happiness in the happiness they bring to others, such as finding the most perfect gifts for their friends. (This is so true! That explains a lot! For all those ex-girlfriends that got mad at me for buying them a DVD or a CD on Valentines Day, instead of flowers, the joke is on them! Because I am a horoscopically-proven perfect gift buyer. Not to mention, flowers are expensive for what little use you get out of them. Hmm, after being called a jerk countless times over the years, I was right the whole time.) While it is true that they have sharp tongues and are a bit stubborn and eccentric, in a work situation they tend to work very well with other people. (Yeah I am a bit stubborn…but that’s why I kick so much ass. And I work awesomely with people at work. Wow, its scary how right on this thing is.) They always seem to have money and make excellent leaders. (Although the money flow isn’t as hefty as I want it to be someday, I usually have cash on me. In fact, whenever my friends and I have tallied up our money to purchase beer or whatever else in the past, I always paid my dues and a bit more. Ya know, I am a pretty good guy.) Because of their high moral stance, they are inspiring beyond measure. (Although I don’t believe every religious story I hear, I always did appreciate the morals that peaceful religions preach.) Water Dogs are real charmers, easily attracting friends and colleagues into their inner circle. (Yeah, people always wanna be around Rico Swaff-Doggy Dogg, because he knows how to kick it.) They know how to smooth over any personal situation with their kind, honest, easy-going nature. (Yeah, its true…I am pretty “suave” like that.) Their views on life are expansive because of an ingrained wanderlust which has taken and will continue to take them to exotic locales about the globe. (Well this isn’t descriptive of me yet. I haven’t traveled much in my life yet. Oh well, missing one out of many isn’t bad.) They adapt like chameleons to new environments and new people and their lives are all-encompassing, full of rich adventure. (I want to write a book of all of my adventures, which usually involve other people.) Financial and career success comes to the Water Dogs later in life — just watch these late bloomers burst open! (Well its good to know that I am gonna be successful someday…I guess its just a matter of “when” for me. Wow, you rock Josh!!) Regarding their love life, when it comes to dating and romance, their temperature ranges from hot to cold, from one extreme to another. (Yeah I guess, but the “hot” makes up for the “cold” and then some.) Sometimes they want a commitment, other times they run Geronimo. (Story of my life.) But, when true love finally comes, and it will, they have it made, their relationships are filled with good honest communication and genuine kindness and total caring for their partner. (Well duh, obviously my true love is going to think I’m awesome…I mean, how could you not? Have you been listening to this horoscope? I am pretty much one of the most bodacious dudes I have ever heard of.) Marriage will be as firm as the Rock of Gibraltar. (That’s pretty firm….makes sense though because I myself am pretty firm and muscular. Kind of like Mt. Everest.) The End.

By the time this horoscope was read to me in its entirety, I literally felt like I had just been given one of the best blow jobs that I’d ever received, because wow, it literally couldn’t have gone any better.

Then I “Googled” the words “Chinese” and “Horoscope.“ The results kind of brought my ego down a notch. It turns out, that Chinese Horoscopes are based on the year you are born in, not the specific month and day. The fucking year you were born in. So in other words, according to Chinese Horoscopes, everybody born in the year 1982 fit’s the description listed above.

Now, believe me, I have met many people who were born in the year 1982, and to be honest, there are some stupid ass mother-fuckin mother-fuckers born in the year 1982. People who do not fit any of the descriptions listed above in that particular horoscope. Then I started thinking to myself, “wow, are there people who actually believe this bullshit?“ What in the universe makes anyone think you can lump such a large group of people, born in the same year, into one category which is described with such eloquence and detail. AND PEOPLE BELIEVE THIS? Wow.

I personally have never fully believed in horoscopes. However, I do believe the weather and astrological patterns when a child is born may affect them developmentally, because the infancy stage is just so crucial and easily manipulated by outside factors in terms of development. That’s just my take on it. I could be wrong.

In the past, I have read horoscopes in the newspaper, but only as a time-passer. With those daily horoscopes in the newspaper, I am kind of one of these people who only half-way buys into it, only if it says something that I want to hear.

For example, if my horoscope says I am going to have a good day, I think “well cool, today is my lucky day.“ And then I hop right along to the next thing. It’s a different story if it says something I don’t want to hear. If it says I am going to have a bad day, I think to myself, “well that’s a crock of shit. Just watch me stay upstairs and watch “The Office” all day, and THEN try telling that I had a bad day… Impossible. Stupid asshole horoscope.“ Then something shitty ends up happening, like my favorite barn cat gets hit by a car.

Horoscopes that describe your personality and the level of satisfaction of your life in general, usually don’t have an abundance of negative things to say about you or what is going to happen to you. I mean, look at mine, and the rest of the 1982 “Water Dogs.”  What a beautiful life. For just once, I want to read a horoscope to tell someone that they are, always have been and always will be a piece of shit. Not for the person’s sake…I like people, I don’t want them to suffer, but because I think its corny that these Chinese horoscopes paint such beautiful pictures as metaphors for how great everyone’s life is, when in reality, there seems to be a large number of incapable, unlucky and unhappy people out there. Since I can’t find any negative horoscopes, I decided to write my own. It is the polar opposite of the way my horoscope read.  Here it is, and btw, don’t look into this too deeply….I’M JUST GOOFING AROUND.

You are a Dead Possum

You are disloyal, a complete liar and have no concept of right and wrong. You better hope no one tries to rob you or your family in your house, because you are a complete pussy and won’t be able to do anything about it. You can’t be counted on for shit, and always do what’s completely wrong for you and your surroundings. You try to socialize with anyone who is around you, but this is unwanted because you are known to be annoying and just a complete downer to be within 50 feet of. Your best bet is to just keep to yourself, because to others, the simple thought of your presence feels like pissing out a kidney stone. Do not bother buying gifts for anyone, because as soon as you leave, the individual receiving the gift will throw it away before jetting to the bathroom to wash their hands with Lava brand soap, just because it had been touched by you. You have no vocabulary, you quit when life becomes remotely difficult and you are an all-around boring person. Most people would rather envision themselves eating Rosie O’Donnell’s dingle-berries, than working with you. Your always broke, and you are always asking others for money, but will repeatedly be denied because no one has enough respect for you to actually loan you money. It is unknown whether you have any sense of morality, but if you did, it would probably be at the same level as Satan. You pretty much spoil any personal situation you experience, due to your pathetic demeanor. You have a tendency to travel around the world, because you can‘t seem to find a place where your not viewed as a total and complete bag of douche. Financial and career failure is a given for you. You will start out living on a park bench, but may work up to owning your own cardboard box in Skid Row, only if no one steals it from you. Regarding your love life, when it comes to dating and romance, your temperature ranges from cold to freezing. You pretty much try for commitment with any member of the opposite sex that will speak to you for longer than 30 seconds. But, when true love finally comes, oh wait…it won‘t come. Any marriage in your life will be as firm as diarrhea. The End.

How would you like to have THAT for a horoscope? Yeah, I wouldn’t like it either. If you want, you can get something positive from this note and can actually use the fake horoscope I wrote as a confidence builder, because as difficult as your life may seem, it would probably be much worse if you fit into the category of that horoscope.

That turdball, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave is a dead possum.

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