So my girlfriend, Krystal and I were driving on our way to town to watch my 13 year old brother, Shea’s baseball game. On the way to town, we noticed a very odd site. There was a mullet-man who looked to be in his mid-twenties, had pale skin, chubby cheeks, pudgy man-boobs, a dumpy build and a mangey mustache. He looked like he could have been related to Rick. He was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a house, holding a propane tank and watching a little bonfire which was located about 10 feet in front of him.
After he caught my eye, I began imagining what the dude was thinking as he was sitting there watching a bonfire, holding a propane tank. As I was about to pinpoint what he was thinking, Krystal beat me to the punch when she blurted in her perfect “hillbilly” accent, “I’m just gonna sit here….with my mullet…and my man-boobs…..watching this here fire… holding this here propane tank.”
I followed her comment by saying, “and now….I’m gonna put my fingers…..in my ass…..collect some butt-cheese…..and use it as stinkbait when I go fishing for catfish tonight.”
The thought of this guy using his own butt-cheese to fish for catfish led me to my next thought…. Those dingleberries who fish off busy bridges really piss me off.
Now, I don’t have a problem with people fishing off obscure bridges that are low in traffic. I do this myself sometimes. It’s these people who fish off bridges located on busy highways where there is consistently a fluent amount of traffic that I have issues with.
Highway 61 is a pretty busy highway that extends from Louisiana to Minnesota. Highway 61 flows through my hometown in Iowa. I witness jackasses fishing off Highway 61 bridges on a regular basis. When I witness this taking place, it temporarily makes me so infuriated that I feel like I am going to make an Increible Hulk-like transformation and launch their hairy, pimply asses in the river.
The main reason these people piss me off is because of how close I have come to plowing them over with my dad’s truck in the past. My dad drives a 2002 Ford F350. This is the epitome of “huge truck.” While driving the thing, you experience a feeling of being “king of the road.” However, you also experience a feeling of, “man this truck is huge…I better be careful while driving to ensure that I keep this big son of a bitch within the lines of the road.”
These dingleberries who fish off busy bridges usually park their vehicles alongside the bridge, place their fishing equipment and lawn chair along the edge of the bridge and cast their lines out into the river. Sometimes they set their fishing station too far from the edge of the bridge, and this is when it becomes a challenge to not maul over the dumbasses with your truck, which would inevitably result in a charge of vehicular freaking manslaughter. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t necessarily enjoy having to TRY to not commit vehicular manslaughter. I prefer having the comfort of knowing that there aren’t any mullet-sporting ass-goblins out there who are inclined to get in my damn way in the same way a raccoon or possum would while I am driving. This becomes more of an issue when there is a car driving towards you in the opposite lane and you pass by eachother right where these mouth-breathers are fishing. I bet semi-drivers become extremely infuriated with these ass wipes.
I am certain that everyone who has either grown up or driven through a rural environment has witnessed someone fishing off a busy bridge. Usually the perpetrators are sporting a dirty tee-shirt, ripped jeans and in terms of physical appearance, they resemble the character, “Hamish” (William Wallace’s best friend) from the movie Braveheart. They don’t even keep to themselves while they are fishing. 9 out of 10 of them will smile and wave at you when you drive by…causing you to almost hit the fucking hand they are using to wave at you with your vehicle. I always wonder if they are trying to suck up to you because they know that they piss off the people who drive by. Either that or they are just too blissfully unaware of how big of dumbasses they are coming off as. It’s even worse when these bastards actually catch a fish. When they catch a fish, they do more than just smile and wave at you. They actually try to flag you down in an attempt to show you their fish. And the size of the fish they caught doesn’t matter. They can catch a blue gill, the size of their presumed tiny penises and still over-exert themselves to flag you down so they can show you their “catch.” I always just drive right past them with pissed off expression on my face while thinking to myself, “yeah douchebag, I KNOW there are fish in the river. You don’t have to show me your stupid little fish to prove it to me. Now get the fuck out of my way asshole!!!!”
Of course I have asked myself, “why do these peckerheads feel the need to fish off these busy bridges when there are plenty of other places in the area, away from busy bridges where you can simply fish off the bank?” I have narrowed the possibilities down to a few things.
1.) They are selfish and simply don’t care if people feel like they have to TRY to not commit vehicular manslaughter when they drive passed them.
2.) They don’t like fishing near the bank because the bugs bother them too much…. bugs are presumably attracted to armpit grease and butt-cheese….not to mention, these people probably don’t want these bugs feeding off their butt-cheese…that would be a waste of the stink bait they use.
3.) They are total freaking dumbasses who are socially inept and unaware of their surrounding or the normality of the environment they live in.
Whatever the case, they piss me off…and regardless of how big of a gaping, toothless, silly-ass smile they give me while trying to show me their fish while I simultaneously am trying not to maul their asses over with my vehicle, I always give them this expression:
I love to fish. It’s one of my favorite things to do. However, at least I am considerate in doing so. Fuck these assholes who aren’t. They can piss off and munch on a gonorrhea-infested penis.
Hell, to make things worse, on multiple occasions, I’ve seriously even driven by these types of people on busy bridges and have noticed them standing on the bridge with their fishing pole propped up next to them and their penises whipped out with a stream of piss flowing from their penis and into the river. That’s right…some of these window-licking, busy bridge fishermen seriously have the audacity to take their piss breaks right there, on the bridge, in plain site to anyone who drives by them on the bridge. And they do it like it’s nothing!!! Like they don’t give a shit!!! Hey, at least they have the kindness in their hearts to take one hand have their dick so they can wave at me while they are smiling and pissing. I appreciate your kindness and all, but I really don’t need to see your penis taking a piss.