So the day that after I posted the first “Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward” story, I drove Krystal to another appointment with the Gynecologist(s) in Iowa City. This particular appointment was scheduled for 2 reasons. 1.) We were going to find out the sex of the baby and 2.) We were going to find out why she has been feeling pressure in her cervix.
It was definitely a mistake to write the first story the evening before this appointment, because the thought of feeling awkward while in the presence of a male Gynecologist and my girlfriend was fresh on my mind from the moment I woke up that day. While we were driving on our way to Iowa City, I kept thinking to myself, God I hope there aren’t any male Gynos who end up probing Krystal’s vagina in front of me. Normally this thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind until I was actually in the doctor’s office and the male Gynecologist entered the room, but since I had written a story the evening before about how this bothers me, I was already on edge.
We arrived at the hospital on time, sat in a waiting room for a few minutes and were directed to a Doctor’s office down the hallway. A female Doctor told Krystal to lay on a hospital chair, lift her shirt up, unbutton her pants and pull her pants down a little bit so she could perform an ultrasound which would show us if we were going to be expecting a boy or a girl. Krystal did what was asked and the female doctor rubbed some ointment on her belly, which had the color and consistency of KY Jelly. She then whipped out this martian-microphone looking utensil and started rubbing it across Krystal’s lower belly and POOF, there is our baby moving around in a black hole on a computer monitor in front of us.
In the initial stages of the ultrasound, the doctor checked the baby’s heart rate, umbillical cord and the amount of amniotic fluid in the womb. After the vitals were checked, it was time to find out whether we would be raising a little wrestler or a cheerleader. The baby was positioned in a manner where we were going to have to view the baby from underneath it’s bottom to find out if it had a penis or vagina. The little squirt had it’s legs crossed. It always has it’s legs crossed…this was why we were unable to determine if we were having a boy or girl two weeks ago.
When the doctor found the correct view to determine the sex, she showed us where the baby’s bottom was, and followed by pointing out 3 dots located near the baby’s buns. At first, I thought that this meant it was a boy. It made sense to me. I thought it meant; this dot is one testicle, this dot is another testicle and this dot is the penis. I started contemplating the age at which I should have my boy start wrestling when the doctor said, “and three dots here usually means the baby is a girl.” I then asked, “what does it look like if it is a boy?” The doctor replied with, “well if it was a boy, you’d be able to see the penis and balls hangin around in clear view.” With that said, there is no question that I am going to have a daughter. With his old man’s genetics, if it were a boy, it’s wiener and balls would probably look larger than the rest of the body.
The doctor informed us that the initial ultrasound was finished and that in a few minutes Krystal would be having a trans-vaginal ultrasound done to her. The doctor left the room to notify the other doctors and nurses that Krystal was ready to receive this transvagional ultrasound.
Krystal and I waited in the doctor’s office for roughly 5 minutes, when I got up from the chair I was sitting on and proceeded to take a piss in the bathroom that was connected to the office.
While I was taking a piss, I heard the door to the doctor’s office open, and the doctor who gave Krystal the initial ultrasound said, “ok Krystal, this is Dr. Annie, nurse Sharon, Dr. Becky, nurse Judy and Dan who is a college student at the University of Iowa.” I hadn’t stopped pissing, but my ears immediately perked up when I heard the phrase, “and Dan who is a college student at the University of Iowa.” This guy was not only in the field of Gynecology, but he wasn’t even a licensed practitioner yet. He is currently studying vaginas so he can probe and explore vaginas for a living. He hasn’t proven that he isn’t a vagina-crazed pervert, yet. As I gave my wiener a post-piss shake before putting it in my pants, I started thinking about all the gynecology students in the world who didn’t make the cut because they were too distracted due to being huge perverts. I then washed my hands, and exited the bathroom, eager to make sure that “college student Dan” was minding his manners.
After I exited the bathroom, I noticed that “college student Dan” was of Eastern Asian descent. I am guessing he was Korean. For some funny reason, I was initially relieved that he was Asian. I don’t mean to generalize, but I have just never associated Asians as being vag-loving perverts as much as I associate white, black and Hispanic people with this.
I sat down in a chair and pondered why I inadvertently made these racial generalizations, while a female doctor of Indian descent was simultaneously explaining to Krystal what they were going to do to her vagina. I straight up asked myself, “why am I more comfortable that college student Dan is Asian than I would be if he were white, black or Hispanic?” I figured it was due to the stereotypes within the society I am part of. For example, I rarely see an Asian pornstar. Not that I am the connoisseur of pornography by any means. In fact, I don’t like porn. Once another man’s penis appears on the screen, I feel like swatting it away and being like, “get out of here biznatch! This is my show!” However, this doesn’t mean that I haven’t caught on to the fact that there isn’t an abundance of Asian pornstars out there. I have had many roommates and friends who love their porn, therefore in terms of watching porn, I have been guilty by association on many occasions. Never have I seen any of my friends watching a porn which consisted of an Asian man pounding a vagina. I have seen plenty of Mexicans in porn movies though. Heck, white pornstars become household names. Look at Ron Jeremy. I have witnessed a shitload of African American pornstars. One time, our old computer got a virus and this porno-pop-up kept popping on our computer screen. This pop-up showed 5 African American dudes sandwiching a petite white girl. It kind of resembled a Hostess Ho-Ho. The tagline of the pop-up asked, “would you like to see 5 beefy black guys gang-bangin a sexy white girl?” When this popped up, I always thought to myself, “no, I don’t really have any interest in that and I’ve never been a fan of Ho-Hos, but thanks for the offer,” then closed the box.
Another thing I narrowed it down to was the fact that I have never had a problem with Asian men hitting on my girlfriend when we go out. I am 27 years old now. I have had a girlfriend for roughly 6 of the last 10 years if you add all the relationships together. During the 6 accumulated years that I have had a girlfriend, I have always had a hell of a time with dudes “creepin” on my girlfriend. This usually always happens when I go to the bathroom…..fuckin pansies. Usually the perpetrators are white dudes. Black dudes have been consistent offenders as well. I have also experienced a few Hispanic dudes tryin to get all “suave” with my girlfriends. I have never had this problem with Asians though.
Also, I have known a few Asian-American people in my lifetime, and the subject matter of our conversations has never really been notably perverted. Whenever I have spoken to a person of Asian descent, we have chatted about cool things like; sports, music/bands, video games, TV, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with an Asian-American person where they have gone on a rant that was anything close to perverted. Then again, I honestly don’t know very many Asian American people.
Just when I thought I made the final decision to cut “college student Dan” some slack, the Indian doctor told Krystal to take her pants off. As Krystal began taking her pants off I started thinking about how densely populated all those countries in Eastern Asia are. “Those people must hump like rabbits over there,” I thought to myself. I then decided that maybe I should keep an eye on “college student Dan.”
Initially, I thought “keeping an eye” on “college student Dan’s” eyes would be a bit challenging. It is no secret that individuals of Eastern Asian descent have eyes that are more horizontally slanted than someone from Latino, Native American, Caucasian or African descent. They have something called the “epicanthic fold” in their eyes. Everyone knows this, and I don’t perceive it as a put-down, therefore I don’t think it is offensive to say that I was uncertain if I would be able to determine where this guy was moving his eyeballs while my girlfriend’s vagina was being probed, as easily as I could determine this with someone of a different ethnicity. In other words, I didn’t think I could get a good look at his eyeballs. Within a matter of a few seconds, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I could tell exactly what this guy was looking at. His eyeballs were clearly visible at all times.
Krystal took her pants off and the doctor inserted a martian-dildo looking tool into her vagina, and we started viewing the transvaginal ultrasound on a monitor. Prior to Krystal taking her pants off, the doctor placed a towell over Krystal’s legs, therefore “college student Dan” wouldn’t be able to sneak a peak even if he wanted to. The doctor explained at great length, the reasons for the pressure that Krystal had been feeling in her cervix. It turns out that Krystal is showing some possible signs of premature delivery and was placed on home rest and was advised to take every precaution necessary to ensure that our baby is born healthy. The doctor said the phrase, “no sex of any kind” about 10 times during her lecture. Every time she recited the phrase, “no sex of any kind” with her Indian accent, she would stare at me with piercing eyes, as if I appeared starved and thirsty for sex. Every time she said it, I thought to myself, “well I don’t see how a handjob or blowjob would affect the baby, but whatever.”
Although Krystal’s legs (and between) were covered throughout the entire procedure, I still thought it would be interesting to see where “college student Dan’s” eyes were drifting to and from. When the Indian doctor began her lecture, my eyes were shifting from Krystal, to the doctor to “college student Dan.” Every time I glanced at “college student Dan,” he was either looking at the doctor or the computer screen which showed my daughter. The Indian doctor would be lecturing, “blah blah blah blah blah blah no sex of any kind blah blah blah blah blah blah no sex of any kind blah blah blah blah blah blah no sex of any kind blah blah blah blah blah blah no sex of any kind blah blah blah blah,” and my eyes were shifting from Krystal to the doctor to “college student Dan.”
Then the doctor says, “now here on the screen is where we see the three dots which is the baby’s vaginal region.” I looked at “college student Dan” and his eyes were on the computer screen. My instant thought was, “HEY THERE BUDDY!!!! Stop looking at my daughter’s vagina!!!!” I immediately caught myself thinking this and realized how absurd my male gynecologist paranoia has become.
Through all of this, I guess I didn’t stop to think about HOW KRYSTAL FEELS AS HER VAGINA IS REPEATEDLY PROBED AND GAPED AT LIKE IT’S SOME SORT OF GROUNDBREAKING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY. I mean, this girl is getting her vagina poked, prodded, probed, explored and inserted with funky looking hospital utensils at a rate of 20 times per month, and all my selfish ass can think about is whether or not these male gynecologists are trying to sneak a peak.