This one is going to be short and sweet compared to some of my other posts. In fact, my main motivation for writing this one is the Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave and his wife, “Roxy” pics at the end.
I touched on this story a little bit in my last post titled, “Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward Part 2.” In that story, I chronicled a trip to the doctor’s office where my pregnant girlfriend, Krystal and I were going to 1.) find out the sex of the baby and 2.) find out why Krystal has been feeling pressure in her cervix.
First off, we found out that we are expecting a girl, which will be interesting for me coming from a family where I was the oldest of 4 brothers. During the visit, there was a female Indian doctor who explained to us why Krystal was experiencing the pressure in her cervix. I will spare you the details on that. However, I will describe one component of the lecture she gave us.
During the Indian doctor’s lecture, she made it excruciatingly clear that until Krystal has the baby, we are to have absolutely no sex of any kind. This was made clear because she said that exact phrase approximately 15 times in her 5 minute lecture. Being the stereotypical dude that I am, the first few times she repeated this phrase I thought to myself, “well I don’t see how a handjob or blowjob would effect the baby.” After constant repetitions though I started feeling uncomfortable because every time she said the phrase, “no sex of any kind” she would stare at me with piercing eyes and an intense expression on her face. She would be describing Krystal’s cervix and how low she is carrying the baby, and as soon as she uttered the words, “no sex of any kind” her eyes were fixated on me. I started asking myself, “do I look like a sex-starved pervert or something? Ya know, Krystal played a part in being pregnant as well.” The doctor was speaking to me as if I was Ben freaking Roethlisberger.
Another unique part of this lecture was the distinct way she would enunciate the phrase, “no sex of any kind.” She had a very strong Indian accent. To my ears, it sounded as if she was saying, “null sehx…….uff eenie-kindd.” When she said the word no, it sounded like “null.” Sex sounded like “sehx.” After saying “null sehx” she would pause for a second or two before finishing the rest of the sentence. Of sounded like “uff.” Any sounded like “eenie” and when she said the word, “kind” it sounded as if she was attempting to exaggerate the “d” at the end, therefore making it come off as “kindd.” She said the words “any kind” very quickly. That is why I placed the hyphen between the words “eenie” and “kindd.” Imagine someone repetitively speaking those words to you with a somewhat condescending tone, 15 times in a 5 minute lecture.
Null sehx…..uff eenie-kindd. Null sehx……uff eenie kindd. Null sehx…..uff eenie kindd. Null sehx…..uff eenie kindd….
And every time that phrase is uttered you are being stared at as if you are some sick, sex-crazed beast.
To make a long story even longer, it doesn’t look like I’ll be having sex of any kind for the next 5 months.
After that scrounge-bucket, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave caught a bad case of the crabs, a doctor advised Rick and Roxy that they should have no sex of any kind until they could afford to get the situation under control. This is a picture of Rick and Roxy a minute after they returned home from the doctor's office.
This is Rick and Roxy 2 minutes after returning home from the doctor's office.
This is a picture of Rick and Roxy 3 minutes after they returned home from the doctor's office.
This is a picture of Rick and Roxy 4 minutes after they returned home from the doctor's office. Rick is noticeably becoming more and more agitated.
After 5 minutes, Rick couldn't take it any more. He started humping his stuffed toy, Gizmo.
Roxy wasn't happy when Rick was humpin the shit out of Gizmo. She ended up beating him with a cutting board while screaming, "that's probably where ya picked up the crabs, asshole!!!"
Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave has been close to "Gizmo" since he was a little boy.