404 I Hate Zits | The Chronicles of Rico
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I Hate Zits

Ya see that picture of me?  Don’t I look handsome? I bet after you saw the picture, you thought to yourself, “wow, that Swaff sure is a handsome piece of ass (_l_).) 

Ok, I’ll stop bullshitting you.  First off, that picture was taken very shortly after I woke up that morning. I always wake up with such a puffy face.  Secondly, it is very obvious to anyone who views the picture that I have a big gaping zit which appears to have been carefully placed with the hands of a surgeon, directly below my eyeball.  That is right.  I am 27 years old, and I still get huge zits every once in a while.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it gives me a mere flashback of the agony I used to put myself through when I would get zits in junior high and high school.

I probably came off as being a bit shy to many people I went to school with in junior high and earlier on in high school.  I believe there to be 2 main reasons for this. 

1.) I grew up in the country, with no neighbor kids around my age. Therefore, when not at school I acquired my social skills from my parents, younger brother and stupid farm animals. Until I got my license, the only time I really got away from our farmhouse was for wrestling and baseball practice. I would come to school and watch people socialize with each other and have no idea what they were talking about. It was like every clique had a variety of inside jokes amongst each other which derived from shit that went on after school that I was never part of because I was stuck at my house.

2.) From the ages of 13-15 I had a horrible case of acne.  I let this bother me to the point where I didn’t want to speak or even look at anyone.  I didn’t want anyone even catching a glimpse of what I considered to be my horrific face.

What pissed me off about getting zits was the type of zits that showed up on my face and the locations of where the zits showed up.  I always got these zits that were solid and huge.  It was like having a cluster of marbles inside the skin of my face.  They were like goose-eggs.  In fact, they were goose-eggs.  And the damn things always appeared in places that would make my face look deformed.  Ever had a huge cyst-like zit on the tip of your nose?  Not only does it seem as if everyone else is looking at it, but the zit is looking right back at them as well.  Have you ever gotten a zit on the bridge of your nose? It makes you look like Eric Stoltz from the movie, “Mask.”  How about on your temple?  When your temple pulsates and there is a humongous zit on it, it appears as if the zit is trying to start a conversation with whoever is looking at it. The zit I currently have on my bottom eyelid makes me look like I was punched in the face by Mike Tyson. I’ve had zits pop up in every possible location on my face. You name the facial location and I guarantee I have had a giant pimple on it. 

Eric Stoltz in the movie, "Mask."

I could write a book about the seemingly unending sessions I spent in my bathroom popping zits. 

By the time I turned 15 years old, my self esteem was at an all-time low due to my acne problem. My mom noticed my negative opinion of myself.  She probably also noticed Mount Vesuvius and a variety of other volcanoes were on the verge of erupting on my face, so she scheduled an appointment with a doctor who prescribed me Differin Gel in an attempt to make my face look more presentable.  This resulted in another problem.  The Differin Gel did clear up my acne to an extent. However, it also gave me a bad case of dry skin on my face.  I looked like I had a couple handfulls of oatmeal or crunched up Frosted Flakes stuck to my face.  This is not an exaggeration. The dry skin on my face was THAT bad. I tried to counteract it by putting dry skin lotion on my face every time my face “flaked out.” This resulted in yet another problem. It made me look as if I washed my face with Crisco before coming to school every day.  It was a no-win situation.

By the time I turned 17-18 years old, my acne was starting to slowly and systematically fade away.  I didn’t have to use as much Differin Gel every day. Therefore I didn’t have as much dry skin on my face.  I would still get the occasional huge zit, but not an abundance of them. Not to the point where I felt my life was doomed. Nowadays, I get one every once in a while and they still piss me off. 

The main difference between getting zits now and getting zits when I was in junior high and high school is that when I get a zit now, people are more willing to point out the fact that I have a zit.  Nowadays, whenever there is a trace of a zit on my face, my family, friends, acquaintances and girlfriend will persistently point out the fact that I have a giant zit on my face, as if I don’t already know.  Recently I was watching one of my brother’s little league baseball games and had someone who I barely know, inform me that he noticed the zit I have underneath my eyeball.  The ironic thing is that this particular person has 3 warts or moles (can’t tell what they are) on his eyelids.  This doesn’t bother me though. I would rather someone be honest with me and explain to me in accurate detail how noticeable my zit is opposed to them acting like they don’t even notice it. I hated it when people used to tell me that noone was looking at or even noticed my zits when I had a bunch of them.  I’m not freaking stupid. I have spoken to plenty of people with pimple farms on their faces, and I know firsthand that it is very difficult to not look at the zits on their faces when you are speaking to them.

I think the reason why people are more willing to blatantly point out my blemishes now opposed to back when I was younger is because I constantly whined about having zits while I was in junior high and high school.  It was obvious to most of the people who I associated with at that age that my crater-plantation on my face bothered me.  I was always complaining to my friends about my zits and they always acted as if they didn’t notice them.  I guess this was their way of making me feel better. In my mind, all they were doing was giving me a sense of false reassurance because I knew how noticeable they were. 

Below are some examples of how these conversations would unravel.  The italicized words within the parentheses, chronicles what I was actually thinking during these exchanges.

Me: Ugh, I hate this zit on the middle of my forehead.
Dishonest Friend: Oh come on Swaff, it’s not even noticeable!
Me: Oh yeah. (You mean to tell me that you don’t notice that I resemble a freaking unicorn right now?  You don’t look at the middle of my forehead and want to throw darts at it in an attempt to score a bull’s eye?)


Me: Ugh, I hate this zit on my cheek.
Dishonest Friend: Oh Swaff your just trippin. You can’t even notice it.
Me: Oh yeah. (So you mean to tell me that it’s normal for me to look like I have a grapefruit lodged in the side of my face??!?!)


Me: Ugh, I hate these 2 zits right next to each other on my chin.
Dishonest Friend: What 2 zits on the bottom of your chin? Oh those?!?! Those aren’t even noticeable, Swaff!
Me: Oh yeah.  (Oh, so to you, I have always had a rosie pair of ass-cheeks on my chin? I bet you think my parents spanked my chin growing up because they mistook it for my ass.)


Me: Ugh, I hate this zit on the bridge of my nose.
Dishonest Friend: Oh knock it off, Swaff! You can barely even notice it!
Me: Oh yeah. (Oh, so what you are trying to tell me is that it is normal for me to look like Eric Stoltz from the movie, “Mask?”)


Me: Ugh, I hate this zit on the tip of my nose.
Dishonest Friend: I don’t see a zit on your nose, Swaff!
Me: Oh yeah. (So, me looking like I have 2 noses must be a normal thing then, eh??? Boy am I ever a winner!)


Me: Ugh, I hate this dry skin on my face.
Dishonest Friend: Oh you can barely notice it.
Me: Oh yeah. (So you are trying to tell me that looking at my face doesn’t make you hungry for a bowl of Frosted Flakes?)


Me: Ugh, this dry skin lotion is making my face look greasy.
Dishonest Friend: Your face isn’t greasy!!
Me: Oh yeah.  (I bet if you were to squeeze my face right now, you’d get a handful of dry skin lotion.)

I fucking hate zits!!!!!

For many years that ass-goblin, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave thought his nipples were pimples.

Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave thought his nipples were pimples until Roxy screamed at him one day, "Goddammit Rick! I only have 1 pair of nipples and I can't breastfeed all these damn kids by myself!!! We gotta use your nipples, Rick!!!"