404 The Phantom of the Awkward Part 1: When the Phantom Struck Wal-Mart | The Chronicles of Rico
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The Phantom of the Awkward Part 1: When the Phantom Struck Wal-Mart

Part 1 of quite a few to come. I don’t know if I’ve EVER experienced a situation that was more awkward than this one:

Roughly 3 or 4 years ago, I was dating this girl from college. The relationship didn’t last very long. To be honest, I thought she was kind of an idiot. Let’s just say her name is Shaniqua (that isn’t even close to her name.)

One night we went to Wal-Mart to look for a DVD to purchase and watch that night.  After we browsed through DVDs for a bit, I wandered off to the CD section, which was parallel in location when compared to the DVD section.

When I finished browsing through the CD section, I began looking for Shaniqua and thought I saw her. She was looking at DVDs of children cartoons, which I thought was strange because she didn’t have any kids that I knew of and I hadn’t noticed her having the least bit of interest in children cartoons.

As I walked behind her, I noticed she was holding a “Bob the Builder” DVD.  I decided to gently rest my chin on her left shoulder and whisper in her ear, “hey you, why you lookin at a Bob the Builder DVD?”  She didn’t respond, so after a few seconds of no response, I pinched her butt and said, “Bob the Builder must be a good cartoon, eh?”

I became slightly baffled when I noticed the scent of cigarette smoke in her breath.  I thought to myself, “That’s weird, Shaniqua doesn’t smoke.”  At that moment, I hear the words, “What the hell are you doing Josh?” coming from a few feet away to my left.  I turned my head, which was still resting on a woman’s left shoulder and there was Shaniqua, sporting an expression of combined anger and confusion. I jumped up and glanced at this woman who’s shoulder I had rested my chin on and who’s ass (_l_) I had pinched while inquiring as to why she was looking at “Bob the Builder” DVDs. The woman who was now looking at us with an extremely confused expression on her face was at least 45 years old.  Not only that, but she reminded me of a woman I had recently seen in a before and after methamphatine user picture.  Unfortunately for her, her face fit the description of this woman from the “after” section of the picture.

I was instantly humiliated. I stood there between the two girls and answered Shaniqua’s question with, “Ah shit, I thought this girl was you and oh my God I didn’t mean to fucking do that!”  The woman started laughing and said, “that’s okayyyyyyy.” She was missing at least 3 teeth.  I then told the woman I was sorry and sprinted down the aisle to Shaniqua, who had already started walking off.

Desperate for her to understand that I had made an honest mistake, I followed right next to her and continued repeating in panicked fashion, “oh my God, I swear I didn’t know who that was! It was an honest mistake, I swear to God! I don’t even know that woman, and I thought it was you for a split-second!”

This only dug me a bigger hole. Shaniqua was on the verge of tears when she inquired, “how could you mistake THAT for ME?!?!? She’s 20 years older than I am, missing teeth and not even pretty for her age! Are you trying to tell me that I look like that crack-whore!?!?!?!”

This threw me through another loop. I was panicking to the point of stuttering when I said, “Nooooooo!!!! Nooo baby!!! You don’t look like her!!!!!! I just…just..just thought it was you from behind for a couple seconds. I saw that she had the same color of hair as you and is wearing the same colored clothes….and…and..and it was just an honest mistake!! Please believe me when I say that I had no idea who that toothless woman was and that I don’t think you look like her.  I just thought it was you from behind for a couple seconds and I, without thinking just put my chin on her left shoulder and asked her what she was doing…..thinking she was you.”

Shaniqua was silent for a minute or two, before argumentatively stating, “I DON’T wear that brand of jeans, and also, my ass looks NOTHING like that!!!”  I quickly responded with, “I know your ass doesn’t look anything like that and I didn’t look too closely at the jeans. I just made an honest mistake. I am so sorry.”

I guess I don’t pay enough attention to what brands of jeans women wear.

It was an honest mistake that I couldn’t believe I made.  She was seriously wearing the same color of clothing as Shaniqua that evening.  And the hair.  It was the color of hair and how it grew in that made me subconsciously assume that this person was Shaniqua.  She didn’t look bad from behind.  When she turned around though, it seemed like she had been beaten with about 1000 maximum strength ugly sticks.

I wonder what she was thinking when I pinched her booty?  There she is, at Wal-Mart minding her own business and looking at Bob the Builder DVDs when some dude comes from behind her and rests his chin on her shoulder and pinches her ass.  I wonder if she was creeped out? I wonder if she liked it?

Shaniqua and I didn’t last long after this occurred.  We parted ways due to not having anything in common.  It wasn’t related to what happened at Wal-Mart. I don’t think so anyways.

One time, Shipley thought he saw a cute girl in the womens' underwear section at K-Mart and decided to pinch her ass. Well, it ended up being that jerk-munch, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave. Rick has been mistaken for a woman on many occasions because of his hairstyle.

Shipley still can't believe he thought this nasty man was a chick and by the look on Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave's face, I think he liked getting his ass pinched. What was he doing in the womens' underwear section at K-Mart anyways?

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