Attack of the Ass Cracks (_l_)
By Rico Swafford
Written on 3/6/2009
Ass cracks…they are everywhere I look. I remember when I was younger, until I was about 10 years old or so, I would be able to go the whole day with only seeing 3 or 4 ass cracks. Now I am 26 years old, and I probably see an average of 10-15 ass cracks per day. Obviously there has been an increase, and I am not sure if it is due to a rise in the ass crack population or if I am now around a different crowd of people who just happen to have a higher ass crack presence percentage. Maybe its fashion-related. Maybe the ass crack breed of human is reproducing at a more frequent pace than the non ass crack population and that’s why they are showing up in larger numbers now. Maybe the ass crack population doesn’t use condoms, so they produce more ass crack-babies. I wonder if there is some sort of positive correlation between those who’s ass cracks always show, and those who don’t wear condoms and have a lot of kids. Maybe some sort of ass crack study should be completed.
Youth wrestling tournaments are the worst. When you go to little kids wrestling tournaments, you are for sure to catch a glimpse of 15-20 ass cracks belonging to moms and dads sitting along the wrestling mats coaching their kids. These days, little kids wrestling tournaments seem like a multi-gender strip club with little kids running around. A very trippy experience.
Ass cracks come in a variation of different unique forms. Some ass cracks look like cleavage from boobies. When the ass crack is hairy, the ass crack looks like an orangutan’s booby cleavage. Some ass cracks resemble a 3D version of Pac Man. When the Pac Man ass crack is hairy, it resembles some sort of evil Pac Man, with eyebrows and a mustache, ya know, kind of like how Wario looks compared to Mario on Nintendo games. Some ass cracks resemble upside down hearts. Not real hearts like the ones in our bodies, but the heart that represents love or Valentines Day. Some ass cracks look like miniature slopes. Slopes that an ant would have fun skiing on if it were covered in snow and didn’t literally lead to a shit-hole. Although ass cracks are very unpleasant to look at, one thing that is undeniable is the fact that each individual ass crack is unique in it’s own way.
While the shapes, sizes and forms of ass cracks are usually pretty varied, the people who sport the ass cracks aren’t as varied. Sure there are a few different types of people who sport the ass crack, but not very many. Usually the type of people who sport ass cracks are similar in terms of physical appearance. I don’t know if it is in the face or the body type. I can’t quite pinpoint it.
A certain group of people that seems to sport the ass crack more frequently than other groups are hillbillies. If I had a dime for every time I drove by a farm and saw some hillrod’s ass crack while they were doing their chores, then I would have about $16.80. That is 168 ass cracks, which is quite a few. That song “Old McDonald” should be changed to this… “Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had an ass crack. E-I-E-I-O. With an ass crack here and an ass crack there. Here a crack, there a crack, everywhere an ass crack. Old McDonald had a farm. E-I-E-I-O.”
You know who looks like the type of person who would be sporting an ass crack if he wasn’t always wearing a red body suit?? Fucking Santa Clause. I have been making connections between ass cracks and the people who wear them for as long as I can remember. And for as long as I can remember, fucking Santa Clause has always reminded me of the type of dude who’s ass crack would definitely be showing if he was wearing a pair of jeans and trying to fix our toilet. I don’t know, just something about him. Maybe its because when I see people who really do look like Santa Clause, 9 times out of 10 I end up seeing their ass crack. I remember pondering this when I was younger. Ya see, I never believed in Santa Clause. My parents informed us Swaff bros from day one that the dude isn’t real. However, I did used to sit on his lap and talk to him when he was at the mall. I remember him asking me what I wanted for Christmas when I was about 8 years old, and I couldn’t quit thinking about how likely it was that when this dude was done dressing up as Santa Clause, his ass crack would probably be visible to the entire world. When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I probably blurted out, “uhhhh, Pac Man.” Ironically, one Christmas I actually did receive Pac Man for Nintendo.
I have narrowed the causes to the ass crack phenomenon to a few things….
1.) These peoples’ drawstrings aren’t tight enough on their sweatpants. Many ass crack offenders wear the popular grey Jerzee brand sweatpants. You can spot many of these ass cracks at Wal-Mart, for these people are frequently squatting down to comparison shop for the best deal on canned chili.
2.) Their asses aren’t full enough to fit their pants. I can’t empathize with this, because I happen to have a healthy looking, full and complete set of buns, therefore my ass crack never shows.
3.) They lost a lot of weight, and they haven’t gotten around to buying a pair of pants to fit their slimmer figure. Two solutions for this scenario would be to either gain more weight or buy new pants.
4.) They bought the wrong size of pants.
5.) They don’t have a belt. Solution: Go to your nearest Goodwill store with $2. Problem solved.
6.) Fashion has become ass crack-friendly.
I always wondered, aren’t people able to notice when their ass crack is showing? Especially people with hairy ass cracks. Can’t they feel the wind tickling the hairs on their ass? How can they not know? It is beyond me. If my ass crack is even remotely close to being publicly visible (which it never is), then I immediately readjust myself. I immediately notice if a section of my lower back is visible. How can people not notice that their ass cracks are showing?! Maybe they do know its showing and they just don’t care. Maybe they want their ass crack to show because they hate the world and they want everyone to suffer, and the best way they thought of to ensure that other people are suffering, is by making sure everyone sees their ass crack. That takes some self pride doesn’t it? Maybe some people are proud of their ass cracks. Maybe they looked at their backside in the mirror one day, and thought to themselves, “ya know what? I think I have a beautiful ass crack, and I want the whole world to see it!” Who knows.