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These Jerk-Offs Who Constantly Drive by Swimming Pools

The last entry I wrote got me thinking about the swimming pool. 

Throughout my entire life, I have struggled with deciding what I want to be. I have always been either unsure, apathetic or undecided.  When I was in high school, I remember writing an essay for an English class that required you to write about the occupation you wanted to have when you were older.  I remember thinking to myself, “how the fuck am I supposed to know that already?” 

I ended up choosing the occupation of “dentist” to write my report on. I chose this occupation because I was under the impression that there wasn’t much to being or becoming a dentist. I thought it would be an easy occupation to write about.  I basically thought that being a dentist consisted of graduating high school, going to college for a couple of years and fiddling with random peoples’ teeth. Boy was I wrong. I learned that dentists endure many excruciating years of college which consists of many undesirable courses associated with chemistry, physics, anatomy, etc.

At age 27, I think it’s safe to say that I will never become a dentist.

Although I have always been conflicted when pondering what I want to become and what kind of person I want to be, I have always had a firm grasp of what I do NOT want to be. 

With that said, I knew from a young age that I never wanted to be one of these jerk-offs who drive by swimming pools 100 times per day. 

I started noticing these people at a young age.  I remember being 6 or 7 years old and hanging out at the swimming pool from the time the doors opened at 1:00 PM, until the time it closed at 5:30 PM.  During that time, I remember there being at least 3 or 4 men who drove by the swimming pool a little more frequently than what I perceived as being normal. One of the guys who stuck out to me was this guy who appeared to be in his 20’s, with dark brown hair and a mustache who drove a little red Chevy S-10 pick-up.  I would notice him driving by the pool and staring at everyone at least 20 times while I was there. 

At the time, I didn’t fully understand why this guy was driving by the pool so many times, but for some reason I had a feeling that this was a type of person I didn’t want to become some day. Not to mention, over-hearing the older girls saying “eww gross” to each other every time this guy drove by probably influenced my outlook. 

During that time, my dad drove a similar looking little red Dodge pickup and I used to worry that people would mistake my dad for this guy.  My dad still had a little bit of dark brown hair on top of his head in those days. Just a few stragglers that were barely hanging on to his scalp. He also sporadically grew a mustache.  I didn’t want the girls saying, “eww gross” when my dad pulled his truck up to the swimming pool fence to pick my brother and I up, because they had mistaken him for this other jerk-off who had already driven by 20 times. 

By the time I reached 12 years of age, I started to further comprehend why these dudes drove by the swimming pool so frequently and I thought it was pathetic.  A few years had passed since I initially noticed it, and some of the drive-by-pool jerk-offs came and went.  Some maintained this behavior for years and some of them only kept it up for one summer.  Some of them had purchased different vehicles, but I still knew who they were.

One thing I noticed was that I couldn’t lump the drive-by-swimming pool jerk-offs into one category in terms of appearance.  Their appearance varied.  There would be dudes who looked to be in their late teens and 20’s and dudes who would be in their 40’s and 50’s.  There would be dudes who looked like jocks, dudes who came off as introverted loners and dudes who looked like they spent a lot of time jammed inside of a locker in high school. Every social category was represented by these jerk-offs who constantly drove by the swimming pool.

I started wondering about who it was they were actually looking at.  I was hoping for the decency of the world’s sake that they were checking out the moms and not the children. I figured that they were either scoping out the moms or some of the high school girls who were laying out on their towells.  It didn’t occur to me at the time that they could have been checking out the younger, pre-teenage girls.  It also didn’t occur to me that I could have been checked out myself a few times.  For one, at that age I didn’t realize that gay people even existed.  With that said, I also had no idea that gay men who preferred young boys existed either. 

One thing that stuck out to me when I saw these people driving by, was the lack of shame written on their faces as they drove by the swimming pool for the 20th time in one day. They blatantly stared and gawked at the pool attendees every time they drove by. 

I wondered if they even realized that we noticed them, or if they cared whether we noticed them or not.  Some of them came off as if they wanted to be noticed.  Why on earth would a guy want to be noticed excessively driving by a swimming pool?  It didn’t make any sense to me and it still doesn’t. 

When I was younger I used to wonder about what the lyrics to the song, “Shameless” by Garth Brooks were about. Ya know, the song that goes, “I’m shameless, shameless as a man can be.”  Well, in my opinion these jerkoffs who constantly drive by swimming pools are the epitome of “shameless.”  If Garth Brooks was as “shameless as a man could be” he must have been driving by swimming pools a lot when he wrote that song. 

Even worse than the guys who drove by the swimming pool in excessive amounts were the dudes who weren’t dads, who would actually have the nerve to come in to the pool and play with the little kids in the shallow end.  When I was 6-7 years old and would witness these guys being jerk-offs in the shallow end, I thought to myself, “I don’t think that guy is anyone’s daddy, why is he playing in the shallow end and not the deep end? I can’t wait til I can swim in the deep end by myself, so why is this guy staying in the shallow end?” 

When I became a little older I just wanted these dudes to stay the fuck away from me.  I remember grown men who didn’t appear to be anyone’s father trying to get in on our games of water baseball.  I particularly remember this skinny little guy who looked to be in his late 20’s/early 30’s, who had dark brown hair and a scraggly mustache that grew in similarly to how mine does (thin and split in the middle.) He used to splash kids, grab them and launch them in the air, dunk them, etc. 

This jerk-off once got ahold of me and dunked me.  I was pissed off because I hated being dunked.  Being dunked in water is such a helpless, panic-inducing feeling.  After I informed my dad of this occurrence, I remember him telling me to point him out if I saw him in public because he was going to kick his ass. I didn’t doubt this for a second.  My dad would kick the shit out of anyone who messed with his kids. Anyone who knows him wouldn’t doubt this either.  He has always been a protective parent. Not to mention he is capable of being mean, scrappy and tough as hell if provoked. If you want a glimpse of his intensity, check out this video.

Anyways, I remember watching that scraggly fucker lurk around the shallow end of the swimming pool like he was “King Jerk-Off,” literally looking for ways to screw with the kids when they were trying to play.  I thought to myself, “Is this his way of trying to impress the moms?”   If so, then I think I would go about it in a different way than grabbing their little “Johnny” by the shins and shoulders, lifting them up with his skinny, hairy arms like a millitary press and launching them on top of a couple of other little kids who were playing 10 feet away, resulting in a pain-stricken little “Johnny.” 

This dude used to have lifeguards blowing the whistle at him for being disobedient.  How embarrassing would that be?  Being in your 30’s and having lifeguards blow their whistle at you in the pool because you were being a jerkoff.  This dude didn’t care.  He had no shame.  He would just continue on to the next thing with a stupid little smile on his face. 

The last time I saw that guy was on the Iowa online sex offender registry. No joke. Evidently he sexually assaulted a boy between the age of 0-13.

A friend of mine who I graduated with used to drive by swimming pools way too much. Sometimes, I would be with him when he did. I remember , I would hang out with him at his parents’ house in the summer when I was 18 and 19 years old.  I hung out with him quite a bit during the summer because we used to practice playing slow-pitch softball when the local baseball diamonds were not in use.  Softball practice usually turned into a home run derby, but that’s besides the point. 

We would meet at his parents’ house and drive his vehicle to the baseball diamonds.   Any time we traveled anywhere from his house, this dude ALWAYS insisted on driving. He would also insist you pay him gas money.

On the way to the baseball diamonds, he would make it a point to drive by the swimming pool which was not on the way to the baseball diamonds. When he drove by he would stare at the girls in their bikinis, almost as if he was in a trance. If I wasn’t with him, he probably would have had his penis whipped out, jerking it profusely. As he drove by, I would discretely sit there in the passenger seat, hoping noone saw me with him. 

After an hour or so of sharpening our softball skills, we would mutually decide that it was time to grab something to drink at the gas station.  I hated it because I knew what I was in for, but always maintained a relatively quiet demeanor because the dude was pretty defensive about everything. I didn’t feel like listening to his bullshit if I was to sabotage the pleasure he experienced from swimming pool scenery.  I was also thirsty and wanted something to drink.

On the way to the gas station, he would drive by the swimming pool again, which was completely out of the way in terms of location from the baseball diamonds. After purchasing a Gatorade, we would start driving on our way back to the baseball diamonds and drive out of our way past the swimming pool again. Immediately after driving past the swimming pool he would think of some sort of excuse to drive past it again.  He would be like, “ahh shit! I forgot to pick up some Skoal!”  He turned around and would drive by the swimming pool again on the way back to the gas station to pick up his chewing tobacco.  After he purchased his Skoal, we would drive by the swimming pool again. Immediately after driving past it he would be like, “ah shit, you know what?!  I kind of have to take a piss.”  He would turn his vehicle around and drive by the pool again on the way to the gas station. I would feel uncomfortable as hell and would say to him, “dude, can’t you just take a piss at the baseball diamonds or at your parents’ house?”  He would look at me as if he were insulted and would respond with, “I don’t see what the big deal is about using the gas station bathroom.”

There was never any arguing with him so I just rolled my eyes and shook my head. The dude was obviously in denial of the extent his perversions had reached. 

After he took a piss at the gas station, he would drive by the swimming pool again on the way (but out of the way) to the baseball diamonds.  By this time I had enough, so I would hide my face and even crouch down in my seat as low as I possibly could so noone could see me.  He would become pissed off when I did this and would usually blurt something along the lines of, “what man?!? Are you embarrassed to be seen hanging out with me?”  I would just stare at him in disbelief and shake my head. 

After our softball practice, he would drive by the swimming pool again on the way (but out of the way) to his parents’ house.  This meant he had driven by the swimming pool 8 times in a 2 hour period.  He either had no shame in excessively driving by swimming pools or was blissfully unaware of how perverted he was making us appear to anyone who was at the pool when he drove by. 

With everything previously mentioned, it is fair to say that I despise driving by swimming pools to this day.  However, this summer I inadvertently drive by them more often than I want to.  This isn’t my fault.  It is unavoidable. 

My hometown is Mediapolis, IA. I work in a town called Wapello, IA which is located roughly 15 miles North of Mediapolis on Highway 61. In order to get from my house to Highway 61 which leads me to work, the normal route requires me to drive west on Mediapolis Rd. until I reach Highway 61, then take a right. This takes me all the way into Wapello.

For the entire summer now, the main strip of Mediapolis Rd. (technically this stretch is called Main St.) has been under construction.  The only traffic that can drive through Main St. is the traffic driving east from Highway 61, not the ones driving west towards it.  Therefore I have been forced to take an alternate route to get to work.  Where does this alternate route lead me?  You guessed it, it leads me right by the swimming pool, which has been relocated since I was younger.  When I was younger, the swimming pool was located in the middle of town.  Now it is located on the outer North edge of town, placed right next to Mediapolis Community School.  Sometimes I forget that the swimming pool is located there because I am so accustomed to it being located in the middle of town.

The road that the new swimming pool is located on is not very busy.  The people who use that road, usually stop somewhere such as their house or the school before they reach the swimming pool. The only reasons anyone could possibly have to drive past the swimming pool would be; 1.) to get home because they live in the area, 2.) to reach N. Highway 61 due to the road work (the category I fit in) 3.) they are taking a burn-cruise or driving drunk and feel more comfortable utilizing the backroads or 4.) to stare at people at the swimming pool because they are shameless, perverted jerk-offs.

I have been driving past that swimming pool every single day on my way to work. Every time I do, I make sure that my hands are at 10 and 2 o’clock on the steering wheel, looking straight ahead. I try to make it completely obvious that I am not driving by for my own personal pleasure. I don’t ever want to be associated as being one of these jerkoffs who constantly drive by swimming pools. 

And it doesn’t end there.  This same thing happens to me when I am in Wapello.  When I go on lunchbreak at work, I usually drive to a place called Casey’s General Store to pick up a slice of pizza or a sandwich. Guess what is located on the way from the place I work to the Casey’s General Store?  You guessed it, the Wapello swimming pool. 

I am not originally from Wapello, so I sometimes I forget it’s even there.  When I see it,I do the same thing as I do when I drive by the Mediapolis swimming pool.  I stare straight ahead, with my hands located at 10 and 2 o’clock on the steering wheel, thinking to myself, “God dammit! I HATE driving by swimming pools!!!” 

I wouldn’t make as big of a deal about driving by these swimming pools if it wasn’t for the car I drive.  As mentioned in “Ridin’ Ghetto Part 2,” I drive a bright yellow Dodge Neon.  It sticks out to the world like dehydrated piss sticks out when excreted into clean toilet water.  I don’t ever want to be known as “the creepy guy in the yellow car who frequently drives by the swimming pool.” I also don’t want some smart-ass punk someday writing a blog about “the creepy guy who drove his yellow car past the pool frequently when he was younger.” Ya know, kind of like how I just wrote about the creepy dude who frequently drove his red Chevy S-10 past the swimming pool when I was younger.

There is a huge difference between me and these jerk-offs though.  These jerk-offs not only stare at the attendees of the swimming pool without a hint of shame as they drive by, but they do it 20-30 times a day because they WANT to freaking do it. 

This is yet, another example of human behavior that I will never fully understand.

This is how I look when I inadvertently drive by swimming pools. My hands are at 10 and 2 o'clock on the steering wheel and I am looking straight ahead with a stone-cold expression, making it obvious to everyone that I am not one of these jerkoffs who drive by swimming pools for pleasure.

Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave is a jerkoff who drives by swimming pools 100 times per day on average. Quite frankly, I don't understand how his wife, Roxy puts up with it.

I spoke too soon. Roxy finally caught on to Rick's intentions after he drove past the swimming pool for the 500th time in one day. Here she is smacking the fleas off of him.