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Phil Garrido’s Mole Family

So the entry titled, “Top 10 Songs that Bring Me Back to the Swimming Pool” made me think about going to the swimming pool. Thinking about the swimming pool led me to write the post, “These Jerk-Offs Who Constantly Drive by Swimming Pools.”  That post made me think about perverts.  When I started thinking about perverts, Phil Garrido crossed my mind, which led to this post.

I remember when I first heard the news about this guy.  I was eating supper with my girlfriend at a local restaurant called “61 Chop House.”  I received a text message from one of my best friends, Poff, which read, “Dude, some guy got arrested for kidnapping a girl in 1991 when she was 11 years old and they just now found her alive. She also had two children with the guy who kidnapped her.”  I responded with, “I’ll have to check that out dude.”  Poff and I mutually share an interest in abnormal human behavior. 

After eating, my girlfriend Krystal and I entered my car and started driving on our way home.  The news Poff informed me of was the primary topic of conversation while we were at the restaurant.  We mutually agreed to browse for a news station to hear the details of the case.  Sure enough, a man named Phil Garrido kidnapped a girl named Jaycee Dugard in 1991 when she was 11 years old.  They had two children together who were 12 and 15 years old at the time of his arrest.  Obviously, these 2 children were a result of Garrido raping Dugard.  The police discovered  Jaycee Dugard in 2009.  Therefore she had been held in captivity for 18 years.

My initial thoughts after hearing the news were empathetic.  It saddened me that a girl could be abducted, abused and held in captivity for so long, essentially missing out on some of the best years of her life.  It also saddened me when I thought about what the 2 children were going to be experiencing.  From what I’ve read, the 2 children knew this guy as their father and nothing else, and were heartbroken to be separated from him. 

After pondering the heinous nature of this guy’s accusations, my thought process shifted to, “Hmm…I wonder where this guy farms his facial mole patch.”  I began making associations with facial mole patches and child molesters 8 years ago when I purchased a “The Official Mullet Reference Guide” poster which shows pictures of different types of mullets and describes the individuals who sport them.  There is one variation of a mullet called “the mullester.”  The dude sporting the “mullester” mullet had some noticeable moles on his face and forehead.  The description of him basically implied that anyone who sports that variation of mullet is a “molester.” From that point on, every time I caught wind of a child molester, I always considered the possibility of the perpetrator having huge, plump moles all over his/her face. 

mullet guide poster mullester

This is a picture of the section of my poster which describes the "mullester" mullet. Notice the moles?

I went home and immediately logged on to the internet in an attempt to find this guy’s mugshot (and to check facebook.)  Here is the image I found.

phil garrido's mole

Phil Garrido

You have to be visually challenged to not notice the family of moles residing on this guy’s face.  I remember seeing that and thinking, “wow, that’s typical.”  At first glance, you should immediately notice a large mole located on the right side of this guy’s face, near the bridge of his nose.  If you look a little closer, you will notice a smaller mole, located directly above the large one. It appears as if the larger mole is trying to get friendly with the smaller one.  Since the larger mole is at least twice the size of the smaller one, you have to wonder if it is trying to abduct it, considering they live on Phil Garrido’s face. 

If you look even closer, there appears to be a baby mole located a tad further on the right side of his face, between the large and small moles.  It is almost as if these two moles had a baby together.  Phil Garrido is raising a family of moles on his face.  What if there is a mole that is even smaller than the baby mole?  A mole that is so small that you can’t see it by looking at his mugshot.  That would be eery.  It would be as if there were a physical metaphor for the crimes he committed, located on his face in the form of a mole patch.  Creepy stuff man!

Please don’t get the wrong idea people.  By no means do I find this occurence to be humorous.  My main intentions are to poke fun at Phil Garrido, not the situation itself.

mullet man mole

And then that jerk-off, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave was like, "I may have hemorrhoids on my bunghole, herpes on my penis, a crab colony on my balls, decay in my remaining teeth, B.O. in my armpits, lint in my belly-button and chafing of my choad, but I sure is shit don't have a mole farm on my face!"