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Human Illusions

Human Illusions
Written on 3/16/2009

So I was driving through town today and I spotted what appeared to be a 70 year old woman walking down the street. When I passed this person, I thought to myself, “what in the world was that?” At first glance I thought it was a 70 year old woman, but then it occurred to me that it could have even been a 10 year old boy.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever not been able to determine whether someone was a 70 year old woman or a 10 year old boy? This person was about 4 feet 10 inches, over-weight and had curly grayish-blonde hair.

This individual sort of resembled Thurman Merman from the movie “Bad Santa.“ You know, the boy who befriends Billy Bob Thornton in the movie.

Thurman Merman

Anyways, I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere by any means so I decided to cruise around the block and drive by this person again, because I just had to know what this person was.

The second time I drove by, I was almost for certain that it was a 10 year old boy, but I wasn’t positive, so I drove by again.

When I drove by the third time, I came to the conclusion that this person actually was a 70 year old woman, because they were carrying a purse. Generally speaking, you don’t see very many 10 year old boys carrying purses.

This was the last time that I drove by this person because they gave me a weird look. I think they noticed that I had driven by 3 times, staring at them with the intensity of a cracked out and baffled baboon. How do you think they would feel if they knew that I was driving by in an attempt to figure out if they were a 10 year old boy or a 70 year old woman?

This happens every once in a while. Not being able to tell what age or gender someone is. Sometimes it is due to females possessing masculine qualities, like a mustache. Some women grow pretty sweet mustaches. When women have mustaches, it is very frustrating trying to determine whether they are a male or female. You have to try to start a conversation with them to find out what they are so you can hear if their voice is manly or womanly.

Sometimes this strategy doesn’t even work. Sometimes these people are somewhere in between a manly and womanly voice, and it makes everything that much more frustrating.

Sometimes men have qualities that make it hard to distinguish whether they are a male or female as well. Sometimes when a man has long hair, absolutely no sign of any facial hair and round, saggy man-boobs, I have a very difficult time determining what gender they are.

Sometimes you see someone, and you cant tell if it is an oddly-shaped 5 year old, or a midget. I guess you could easily determine what these people are by approaching them and asking them what 25 divided by 5 is. I don’t expect a 5 year old to know the answer to that, but I think a midget would probably know.

Sometimes you can’t tell if someone is a middle aged woman or a walrus. Then you notice the bag of Ruffles Extra Cheesy Potato Chips in their hand. I think walruses eat fish, not Ruffles potato chips. Not to mention, you don’t hear too many cases of walruses just out walking around in Iowa.

Sometimes you can’t tell if someone is a 95 year old man, or an over-sized, dressed up duckbilled platypus. Then it hits you, duckbilled platypuses are from Australia, and if they were found in Iowa, they would probably be hanging out by the river, not a Village Inn restaurant.

Duckbilled Platypus

That weird dude, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave was once mistaken for a woman. He thought he purchased a "Brett The Hitman Heart" costume, but in reality, it was a womens' swimsuit.


Wow, that was quite the sunburn.

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