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The Hot Dog McSwafficopter

The Hot Dog McSwafficopter
By Rico Swafford
Written on 3/18/2009

Have you ever seen those commercials asking for donations to help little starving children in Ethiopia? I am pretty sure you all know what I am talking about. These commercials are usually pretty powerful and they seem to make a strong attempt at guilt tripping you into donating money. They give you the feeling that if you don’t donate to them, you are a horrible person.

Now, believe it or not, I can be kind of a sensitive dude. In fact, I can be a straight up “mush-ball.” I cried the first time I saw the movie, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” when I was younger, because I was so touched that that little Charlie dude went from having nothing, to living in this amazing candy mansion. Seriously, what kind of mushy mush-ball cries to THAT movie? I don’t care how young I was at the time, I have “wienie” tendencies.

These Ethiopian poverty-hunger-suffering commercials make me very, very sad. However, I will never donate to one of those organizations, for the simple fact that I don’t trust that they will use the money I donate for feeding these kids. And why should I trust them? Literally every corporation, organization, service, court system, etc. that I have ever dealt with has either made an attempt to nickel and dime the hell out of me or straight up rip me off. I will never donate money to one of these charity organizations and my lack of trust I have for them is the reason for this, not that I don’t care about the starving children.

I do have a great deal of empathy for these children, to the point where I don’t think I could be one of the people who actually films the commercials. In every one of these commercials you see about 6 or 7 starving African kids, and they all have flies all over their faces and bodies. What on earth is the camera man doing when these kids have all these damn flies all over them? I mean, these kids have flies crawling out of their mouths and noses? If I was a camera man, I wouldn’t be able to continue filming if this were to occur in front of me. I would immediately stop the camera, and start slapping the shit out of these starving kids.

Awwww Swaff, why on earth would you slap the shit out of starving children from Africa? TO GET THE FREAKING FLIES OFF OF THEM! That’s why! Ugh, it drives me nuts witnessing that on the television.  Flies are so disrespectful. Its like, go bother a camel or something that deserves it not some starving Ethiopian kid, you fucking flies.

I am willing to bet that the charity organization sets it up that way to increase the guilt trip effect. I bet they tell the kid before filming, “ok Bogatu, be still and try your best to look depressed while we dump all these flies on top of you.” I can definitely see that happening, can’t you? I mean the shittier they make the situation seem for these kids, the more money we will donate to them. Pretty strategic on their part.

Another thing I have noticed about these commercials is that these little starving Ethiopian kids are always crying in the video footage. Every time I see that, I wonder what the real cause of their tears are. Yes, I am sure they are hungry. I am not ignorant. I know hunger exists and it saddens me. However, if you were born hungry, and are still hungry at age 10 or so, you would probably be used to it by then and wouldn’t feel the need to cry about it 24/7.

Sometimes I think the main reason that these children are crying is because they are scared shitless of the camera man. These children live in a pretty primitive civilization. Chances are, no one in their village has a camera, especially the size of the one used to film the commercial. It is quite possible that when the commercial is being filmed, these children had never even seen a camera before. In fact, it may be their first encounter with a white person (considering that the people who film these commercials are usually white.)

The children probably think that the person filming them is some sort of pale, scary looking alien and that the camera they are using is not actually a camera, but a big whoppin’ machine gun. What if the person filming actually lied to the children and told them something traumatic in an attempt to get them to cry, like telling them their parents died. Then when they were done filming the “crying” scene, they tell the children, “oh I was just kidding, your parents aren’t dead, you can stop crying now.”

The sad thing is, I am not joking when I say that I can actually see this scenario taking place. When money is involved in some way or another, I can see people, charities and organizations going to whatever length, no matter how unethical to increase the intake of the money that is brought in. Starving Ethiopian kids who have flies crawling in and out of their noses AND are crying at the same time? That is probably a freaking gold mine for these organizations, because it takes an ice-cold hearted person to not want to help a child like that.

I wish I could help them, I just wish I had different means of doing so than relying on some crooked charity to do so for me.

If I won the lottery, I would help these children in personally, with no help from a stupid charity. I would buy a helicopter and about 5000 hot dogs, and fly over poverty-stricken Ethiopian villages and throw hot dogs at every single one of them. Why hot dogs you ask? I don’t know. For some reason , I just think it would be a blast throwing hot dogs at starving Ethiopian kids, especially if it would totally help them out in terms of the hunger they are experiencing. I think it would be an awesome scene if you were to throw a hot dog from a helicopter at a group of starving Ethiopian children, and they would catch the hot dogs in mid-air with their mouths and gulp them down with one bite. That would be cool as hell. Kind of like how you can throw a dog a treat and they will catch it in mid-air and gulp it down without even chewing it.

Hell, I would even throw something from McDonalds at the little fart-knockers. If I threw something from McDonalds, I could have a sweet name for my helicopter. I would call it, The Hot Dog McSwafficopter. It would be painted white, with a design of me, Rico Swaff giving two thumbs up. That way, after they eat their hot dogs and Big-Macs, they can look up to the sky and see me giving them two thumbs up from the Hot Dog McSwafficopter.

The ice cream man plays a song when he drives through the neighborhood, which I would probably have to do as well. I think the song I would play, would be “Rico Suave” by Gerardo. Then, every time these little Ethiopian dudes heard that song, they would shout in whatever language they use, “YES, THE HOT DOG MCSWAFFICOPTER IS HERE!!! YAYYYY!!!!!! LETS GO GET US SOME HOT DOGS!!! OH BOY, I HOPE I GET A McCHICKEN SANDWICH!!!!” And there I would be, standing off the side of the helicopter, throwing hot dogs, McChicken sandwiches, double-cheeseburgers and Big-Macs from the helicopter, kind of like how the Joker (Jack Nicholson style) threw free money to the citizens of Gotham City from his ride in the movie “Batman.” Chances are though, I will probably never win the lottery, so the Hot Dog McSwafficopter may never happen.

Look at that ass-goblin Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave. Instead of having flies on his face when he takes a nap, he has a whole insect farm. A wasp in his nose, a fly on his eye, and a cockroach and ladybug on his forehead. Don't you want to swat those off his face?


Here is that prick Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave again, stealing corndogs from little kids. Those Ethiopian kids better hope he is not around when the Hot Dog McSwafficopter comes, because chances are, this selfish dumbass will steal all the food.