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How Did Cavemen Work Their Swerve?

How Did Cavemen Work Their Swerve

Written on 3/25/2009

Have you ever pondered the sexual sociology of cavemen and cavewomen? I don’t even know if it has been proven or not that cavemen actually existed, but if they did, have you ever wondered how they interacted amongst each other in terms of mating? In other words, how did cavemen work their swerve? What kind of game did cavemen have to spit in order to get into a chick’s pants in those days, or should I say, into a chick’s grass skirt?

Every time this thought has crossed my mind, I have imagined a caveman coming up to a cavewoman and grunting at her. He starts out by walking up to her and saying, “mordar, furdar, garble-garble furdar shlargdorf.” Then he points his finger, the woman turns around and he lifts her skirt up and pumps his shaft in her.

After he is done making an orgasmic fornication-explosion, he runs about 5 steps and starts screaming, yelling and beating his hairy chest in an attempt to celebrate his excitement. That is how I always imagined it. There could have been other decisive factors though.

These days it seems like a large percentage of chicks look for a man who has either money, looks, personal similarities, social competence/intelligence, personality, penis size or all/some of the above. I am not sure what lesbian chicks look for in a woman. They probably just look for other lesbian chicks in general because the supply is much less than straight chicks(to my knowledge anyways.) Anyways, money, looks, personal similarities, social competence/intelligence, personality, penis size or all of the above. Did these same rules of attraction and romantic connection apply in the days of the cavemen? If so, then how did they distinguish between the factors?

Lets start with looks. I don’t really consider looks to be a primary factor that cavewomen sought for in men back in those primitive days. Why? Because I am pretty sure all cavemen looked relatively similar. Sure, some cavemen probably had features that made them better looking than other cavemen, but most of those features were probably covered with an excessive amount of hair and facial pubes. I am guessing that pretty much every caveman had long hair, and huge beards. If they didn’t have huge beards, these cavemen were probably either gay, or just way too feminine to pick up cave chicks. Wow, can you imagine being a gay caveman? That would suck.

I don’t think any cavemen would have been fat or obese, because I wouldn’t expect them to have an abundance of food back then, unless they were such pigs that they ate their beards and hair on a regular basis. Some people seem so hungry that I wouldn’t put anything past them. I guess the only way you could even distinguish people amongst each other in terms of looks, would be by their hair color, height, bone structure, muscle mass or penis length. Dental hygiene may have been a factor as well. I could see the unwritten rule being “the more teeth you have, the better looking you are” at the time. Other than that, I think cavemen probably looked pretty similar.

As far as cavewomen’s looks are concerned, I would guess that cavemen probably weren’t as choosy as cavewomen. Kind of like how things are in modern times. If it was a factor though, I think I would have been okay back then. Because I have pretty nice natural muscles. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Now lets talk about money. If there even were cavemen, I have no idea if they used any form of currency or not. I doubt it, but if there were any form of social financial segregation, I would expect it to be done in terms of their possessions. For example, the caveman with the most and best tools gets the girl. I can just imagine it. A “rich” caveman comes up to a cavewoman and says, “argh, heebee hoohee barba larka bargdarf.” Which in caveman language, that translates to, “hey baby, look at me, I have a big bag of tools. Wanna make love?”

I hate it when I see dudes try to pick up chicks by blatantly flaunting their money. I don’t mind it when they do it in indirect, discrete and non-cocky fashion, but when a dude does this blatantly, I just want to slap them in the face. In fact, If these were the caveman days, I probably would slap these types of dudes in their faces. If I saw a caveman come up to a girl and say, “argh, heebee hoohee barba larka bargdarf,” I would probably slap him in the face and then steal his tools, because its not like I would be arrested for assault in primitive times like those. Not to mention, what are they going to do to me? I have bigger muscles than more than 95% of the males I come across. So I probably wouldn’t have to worry. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Now lets get to personality. I think back in those days, personalities were strongly correlated with dental hygiene. When I imagine a caveman with a fun-loving, awesome personality, I see someone who tells a lot of jokes and smiles a lot. In order for a caveman to smile all the time, I would expect him to have some teeth to show. If a caveman was missing a lot of his teeth, he would probably be too self-conscious to be funny and bubbly all the time, unless his sense of humor was extremely “deadpan.” Deadpan is a form of comic delivery in which humor is presented without a change in emotion or facial expression, usually speaking in a monotonous manner.

Overall, I am guessing personality probably was a factor in terms of which cavemen got the cave chicks in those days, because lets face it…teeth look good. I think I would have been ok in this category, because even if I lost my teeth, I can still pull off that “deadpan” charm baby. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Now to the personal similarities. I have no idea how cavemen and cavewomen would have been able to determine what their personality similarities may have been. I guess they could have compared teeth. The caveman could be like, “argh boocha, lay mee mee mucha.” Which in caveman language means, “hey baby, I notice you have 3 teeth, I have 3 teeth too baby!”

Or a caveman could stumble upon a cavewoman who is beating a tree with a stick and say, “barjoo larka pee pee!” Which in caveman language means, “hey baby! that’s my favorite song to tap with my stick also!” I have no idea how cavemen and cavewomen may have started a rapport amongst each other, but I am sure that it was interesting if it did in fact take place. I think I would be all-good in this category as well if I was a caveman living in the caveman days. I mean, I am pretty “suave” now, so I am pretty sure I would be “suave” back then in terms of building a rapport. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Social competence/intelligence would probably be the most important decisive factor that would determine which caveman gets the cave chick. Social competence and intelligence is important because it is so highly correlated with survival. If you are intelligent enough to kill the triceratops for food, you are intelligent enough to live for that much longer. If you are dumb enough to eat the triceratops after it has spoiled, you are dumb enough to die that much sooner.

A way of sensing successful interaction amongst peers could be crucial in this category as well, because chances are, you can’t kill the triceratops by yourself as easily as you could by collaborating with others. It would also be important to ensure regularly that you don’t piss off your peers. If you make fun of them because they have less teeth than you or can’t grow as many facial pubes as you, then they might just kill you if they are pissed off enough. I really don’t speculate that cavemen were the types who beat around the bush a whole lot when they were pissed off. They probably just did what they wanted, because there weren’t any authority figures telling them they couldn’t do something. There were no consequences and the capabilities of empathy hadn’t been fully learned yet. Its amazing to me that humans found a way to maintain a certain level of order over the years. I guess the main way a cavewoman could determine who the most socially competent or intelligent mate was, would be by looking at his sack of berries. The bigger the caveman’s sack of berries, the more inclined he probably is to survive. I think I would be okay in this category as well. I f I was unable to find the berries, I could probably just beat the crap out of the little pecker-heads who actually did find the berries, and then steal them.  I could do this with ease because I have such big, bulging, muscular, muscles. Not to toot my own horn or anything.

Lastly, cavewomen may have decided who their mates were by choosing the caveman who had the largest penis. I find this to be unlikely though, because if this was the case way back in primitive times, then every human in the world would be black by now. I am sure everyone has heard the stereotype, that black men have large penises, which I think may be generally true.

I believe this to be true, not because I am a connoisseur of penises or, but because I hear so many white and Asian people complaining about how small their penises are.

Penis size is something I have never personally had an issue with, but sometimes it seems like I can’t go a day without hearing a white person complaining about how small their penis is, or someone joking about how big black men’s penises are or how small Asians’ penises are. It seems as if there is some credibility to the stereotype, but I don’t think all white people fit the small penis stereotype, because I am living proof that they don’t.

Having a large penis could have been a bad thing back then. Imagine a caveman with a large dong walking up to a cavewoman spitting caveman game at her. Then he decides to whip out his large penis and the cavewoman grabs it and uses it to swing to a tree? Ya know, like Tarzan? What if the cavewoman thought that the big-donged’ caveman was not making a pass at her, but extending a branch or a vine so she could swing to a tree? Wouldn’t that be some shit? That would hurt like hell. All in all though, I think I‘d be okay in this category. I think I would be intelligent enough back then to not whip out my large penis when I am around a bunch of trees.  I naturally value my big penis too much to do something stupid like that.  Not to toot my own horn or be TMI or anything.

In conclusion, I think I would be a pretty bodaciously awesome caveman if I were born back then. I have all the required qualities to be one pimpin’ ass caveman. The problem is, I can’t imagine myself being attracted to cavewomen. Even if I grew up a caveman and was used to seeing a lack of hygiene on a daily basis, I still don’t think I could become attracted to a woman resembling a hairy jackolantern.

That buttmunch Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave looks like a caveman.


This may look like a caveman and cavewoman getting ready to make love, but in reality it's that douchebag Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave and his hoochie mama wife, Roxy arguing about who ate the last can of pork and beans.