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Brennan’s Poopin in Public Blues

Brennan’s Poopin in Public Blues
By Rico Swafford
Written on 5/11/2009

This weekend I went to the Iowa USA Freestyle/Greco Roman tournament in Iowa City to watch my younger brothers wrestle. They both did well. Shea, my 12 year old brother finished 3rd at the Greco Roman state wrestling tournament, which was held Saturday, and 6th in the Freestyle state tournament which was held Sunday. My 9 year old brother Brennan placed 1st in both Greco Roman and the Freestyle state tournaments. He also won the Iowa USA Folkstyle state tournament earlier this year, which makes him a Triple Crown Award winner, meaning he won state in all three styles of wrestling this year.

For those of you who do not know much about wrestling, Folkstyle wrestling is the type of wrestling that is performed in high school and college sanctioned events. Greco Roman and Freestyle wrestling, are more popular on an international level, and are the types of wrestling you will see performed in the Olympics. I am not going to get into specifics on how these three forms of wrestling differ, but just take my word for it…these 3 forms of wrestling are very different from each other. Anyways, I had fun watching the tournaments this weekend, and a funny story took place that I am about to write about.

So today I was speaking in the concourse outside the gymnasium with a parent of a wrestler who was also competing in the tournament. After about 3 minutes of conversing with this person, my brother Brennan comes up and flashes 2 fingers at me. I thought he was flashing a “peace” sign to me, so I just kind of glanced at him and gave him a “peace” sign back and kept conversing with the person I was talking to.

He walked away, and literally 30 seconds later, he comes back up with a serious look on his face and does the same thing. I glanced over again, and flashed a peace sign at him and kept conversing with this parent.

Another minute passed, and Brennan came over to us again with an even more serious look on his face and flashed his 2 fingers at me for the 3rd time in about 2 minutes. I flashed a “peace” sign back at him, nodded my head at him and gave him a look like, “yeah Brennan, I get your point….peace bro!”

I started wondering why he was all the sudden flashing so many “peace” signs at me. I have been blaring a lot of Grateful Dead lately, and have been watching some old concert footage of them on Youtube, in which my brothers have listened and watched along with me. I thought maybe he got the idea of flashing “peace” signs from that. I think its fair to say that The Grateful Dead is definitely associated with “peace” signs.

I conversed with this wrestling parent for about 2 more minutes, and right when the conversation ended, I came over to Brennan and said to him, “look, I know we have been listening to a lot of Grateful Dead lately, but that doesn’t mean that you have to flash a peace sign to me every 30 seconds.”

He looked  back at me with panic written all over his face and was like, “dude Josh, I wasn’t flashing peace signs at you. I have to go number 2.” I looked at him and was like, “oh, do you not know where the bathroom is? Its right behind you buddy.”

He said he already knew where the bathroom was, and stared back at me with a mixture of panic and confusion written all over his face. I was also confused. I thought to myself, “ok, so what does this kid want? Since I am coaching him today, does he expect me to coach him on how to use a public shitter?”

I figured this was the case, so I was like, “alright Brennan, well here is what you do. You walk into the bathroom, wipe the toilet seat off with toilet paper, put more toilet paper on the seat, plop your butt-cheeks on top of the toilet paper that you set on the toilet seat, and then go poopy.”

He then looked back at me and was like, “NO JOSH! I don’t wanna use that one!” I understood why. I mean, there were quite a few people at this wrestling tournament. Who knows how many greasy pairs of butt-cheeks plopped on those toilet seats throughout the entire day. Not only that, but also, who knows how many people had actually peed all over the toilet seats because they were too lazy to put it up before peeing. Gosh that irritates me when people do that.

I thought I had a solution to Brennan’s problem though, so I was like, “follow me Bren, I know a different bathroom that barely anyone is using.” The high school we were at was Iowa City West, in which I know pretty well because I used to practice Freestyle wrestling there when I was in high school. I led him to the locker room, where there were about 4 shitters that appeared as if they hadn’t been used throughout the entire day, and I was like, “well here are 4 decent toilets for you, choose whichever one you like the most and then come back out to the gym and start getting ready for your finals match.”

When I exited the locker room, Brennan was just kind of standing around and staring at the toilets with a blank look on his face. I walked straight to the gym from the locker room, and literally 5 seconds later, Brennan was standing right next to me. I looked at him and said, “holy cow Brennan. I think you are probably the fastest pooper I have ever met in my entire life.” He looked at me, rolled his eyes (he has been a notorious eye-roller since he was 2 years old) and said, “I didn’t poop Josh. I told you I don’t want to poop here. And stop talking so loud. Your embarrassing me. I don’t want all of these people to know that I have to poop right now.”

It hit me right there what Brennan’s problem was. Brennan suffers from a condition, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “Pipsphobia.” In other words, he has a fear of pooping in public places. Evidently Brennan has to trust a toilet very much before he takes the next step in the man-toilet relationship and poops in it.

After I figured this out, I started getting kind of scared and thought to myself, “well I hope he doesn’t lose his final match due to having to poop so badly. I have to find a way to make this kid poop, so he doesn’t lose his final match.” I then thought of a brilliant idea. I was like, “ok Brennan, here is the deal. If you don’t go to one of these bathrooms and go poopy, then when I am coaching you in your final match, I will yell embarrassing things at you.”

His eyes became real big and he asked, “embarrassing things?!? Like what?!?”

I said, “well instead of yelling at you to do a move right or telling you to score more points, the only thing I am going to yell at you when you are out there is, “COME ON BRENNAN! DON’T POOP YOUR PANTS BRENNAN YOU‘LL BE OK, JUST DON‘T POOP YOUR PANTS!!!”

He then got a frightened look on his face and was like, “NO JOSH! DON’T YOU DARE DO THAT!”

I then said, “I’ll totally do that if you don’t relieve yourself of this poop, right now!”

He said, “no Josh, I will be fine. I am going to go out there and beat the crap out of this kid whether I have to poop or not. Just please don’t yell that at me. Please Josh, that would be so embarrassing if you did that.”

I told him I wouldn’t do it, but I was still pretty nervous for his match coming up, because I knew he had to poop pretty badly. I was worried for a couple of reasons….

1.) I didn’t want him to lose due to his refusal to poop.

2.) I didn’t want him to accidentally poop his pants while he was wrestling. That would be embarrassing.  To this day, I still remember the kids who pooped their pants on the wrestling mat when I was in youth wrestling.  It happens more than you would think.  Kids are stubborn when it comes to pooping in public places, and wrestling is physical to the point where it is diffucult to hold a poop in if you have to go. 

He ended up pinning the kid in his final match in about 30 seconds. He must have really wanted to get off the mat. He ended up holding his poop until we arrived at my brother Justin and his wife Margaret’s apartment which is in Iowa City. Evidently he trusts Justin and Margaret’s toilet enough to poop in it.

Throughout the day, I couldn’t stop wondering what the main reason is for this condition of “Pipsphobia” that Brennan suffers from. What is it about pooping in public that bothers him to the point where he will put himself through utter agony and even wrestle through agony just because he refuses to poop in public? Is it the thought of hundreds of people’s greasy, hairy butt-cheeks being plopped on the toilet seats throughout the day? Is it the thought of people peeing on the toilet seats? Is he embarrassed of people knowing that he pooped or is pooping? Does he have toilet-monster issues?

The toilet-monster issue is kind of far-fetched I think, but not impossible. When I was 7 years old, I got this toilet-monster toy that was a ghost on the “Ghostbusters” cartoon when I was little. Ever since then, I have put that toilet-monster on top of the toilet at our house because I always thought it looked funny being there. This toilet-monster toy, looks just like a regular toilet, until you lift the seat up. Then its eyes pop out, and its tongue crawls out of the toilet bowl and it has a creepy look on it’s face. I have always set the toilet-monster toy on the toilet, with the seat open and the scary face showing. It has amused me because every single day someone who lives in my house closes it so the toilet-monster’s face isn’t showing. Evidently, the toilet monster toy, being located directly on top of the toilet in our house, creeps someone out. I think that person may be Brennan. I will post a picture of this set up so you guys can have a visual.

I wondered about something else today. If Brennan knew he had to poop, and knew that there was no way in hell that he was going to use one of the bathrooms at the facility to ease his poop situation, then why did he have to let me know so badly that he had to poop? I am not going to lie, my younger brothers look up to me and they think I am pretty amazing, but do they think I am capable of magic? Does Brennan think I am some sort of wizard who can wave around a wand and all the sudden cure him from feeling like he has to poop? Did he think that I had some advice on what he can do to make the poop feeling go away? If so, he was probably disappointed that the only advice I had, was for him to just sit on a toilet and poop.

It is flattering when you are idolized by your younger brothers, but when they start thinking that you have the power to cure them of the strain in their gut from having to poop….that is a lot of pressure to be under. I evidently have some hefty expectations to meet in order to maintain my reputation to them as an amazing, super-duper and awesomely bodacious older brother.

This is our toilet with the toilet monster toy on top.

My bro Bren and I.

My bro Bren and I.

That cheeseball, Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave claims that he has beaten up the toilet monster on many occasions. This is Rick teaching Brennan how to use his signature wrasslin' move, "The Trailer Trash Tranquilizer." Rick claims this works well against the toilet monster.