404 I Would be the Most Hideous Drag Queen | The Chronicles of Rico
≡ Menu

I Would be the Most Hideous Drag Queen

Some of you may have already heard or read that my girlfriend and I are expecting a baby girl.  I mentioned this in the entries; Null Sehx uff eenie-Kindd, Lecturing My Fetus, Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward and Male Gynecologists Make Me Feel Awkward Part 2. Her name is going to be Kaiya Kay Swafford. My girlfriend, Krystal is due to give birth to her sometime around the end of October or first of November.  Honestly,I don’t really know the exact due date because we have been given three different due dates from three different doctors.  One of the doctors told us to expect Kaiya to arrive on October 19th.  Another one told us November 6th. A third doctor told us the due date is November 9th.  With that said, I am expecting my daughter to be born sometime between October 19th and November 9th.

I am very excited for this day to come.  Now that we are getting closer to the due date, things are becoming much more real to me.  This will be my first child so it will be my first experience with another person being completely dependant on me as I have been dependant on my own parents in many aspects of life.

Since the day I found out about Krystal being pregnant, I have given up a few things in my life. However, there are still some improvements that I still would like to make in my life in terms of lifestyle, finances, responsibility, etc.  I am ready for the challenge though and will ensure that my daughter’s life is as great as I can possibly make it for her. 

One of the main thoughts that seems to run laps in my mind is what my daughter is going to look like.  Ever since I was a little boy and was informed that it is possible for me to one day have a child, I have pondered about what my children would look like. Now that I know for a fact that I actually am going to be a father, these thoughts have multiplied.

There are 4 physical characteristics that I believe to be given that my child will acquire from Krystal and I. 

1: She will probably be a bald baby.  I was a bald baby.  I was relatively bald until I was a year old.  Krystal was bald until she was two years old. This is totally cool with me, I think bald babies are the cutest ones. 

2: When she grows hair, it will probably be dark.  Krystal and I both have dark hair.  All four of Kaiya’s grandparents have dark hair.  6 out of her 8 great-grandparents have dark hair.  Kaiya will more than likely have dark brown hair. 

3: When she grows hair, she will probably have a widow’s peak.  Krystal and I both have very defined widow’s peaks. 

4: She will be Caucasian. 

That is me on the left at 6 months of age and Krystal on the right at 6 months of age. I am only 25 days older than Krystal, so these photos were taken around the same time.

In terms of my daughter’s physical appearance, everything else is up in the air.  I had absolutely no idea what to expect until the final ultrasound was performed last week. 

When I was informed that our child was going to be a girl, my initial thought process went something like this; “a girl huh? This will be a different experience for me considering I am the oldest of four brothers. Holy shit, I hope she looks like her mom.”

Why would I so quickly hope for my daughter to resemble her mother? Well for one, her mother is an absolutely gorgeous, stunning woman to look at.  She is over 7 months pregnant right now and is still adorable.  She has dressed up and posed as Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave’s trashy-dressed, crazy-faced, teeth-missing wife, Roxy, and she still looks good.  The author of the hilarious website, Waltsense, said this about Krystal after seeing a picture of her dressed as Roxy in one of my older entries; “It would be rude not to mention Rick’s wife is HOT …I’m basing this on her looking good with the get-up. Well done Rick!” The man is right. I think it is impossible to make Krystal look ugly.  She could be pregnant, dressed up as a crack-whore, trampled by elephants, stung in the face by 1000 bumble bees, run over by a bus, fall into the hole of a porta-potty and crawl out of it with toilet paper stuck to her forehead, spitting out poop and still look good. 

Why else would I so quickly hope for my daughter to resemble her mother?  Well, I have always been self-conscious about my own physical appearance.  Ever since I was able to make the connection that the reflection I saw in the mirror was actually myself, I have been very critical of the way I look.  It doesn’t matter how many compliments I receive or what kind of compliments I receive from someone regarding my physical appearance. I always assume the worst.

A long-lived inside joke between my friends/family and I is that I should feel lucky that I am a man because I would be one ugly looking woman.  I have heard these comments since I was a little kid. These comments are always thrown at me in joking fashion, but I actually do think it is true.  I am not a “pretty boy” by any means.  Most of my features are extremely masculine.  This includes my eye color, eye shape, lips, facial structure, facial expressions and body type.  I am a very “dudely” looking dude.  Whenever I have been complimented by people regarding my physical appearance in the past (and despite being self-conscious, I won’t deny the fact that this has happened alot) I have been described as “handsome.”  I am rarely referred to as “cute” or “hot.”  I either hear that I am “handsome” or “attractive.”  I for one, have always associated the term, “handsome” with masculinity, which is fine with me.

Whenever the topic of “how ugly I would be if I were a girl” would come up, I always thought to myself, “Good lord, I would be a hideous drag queen.”  Not that I have ever seen a drag queen that wasn’t hideous. All drag queens appear hideous to me.  I just think I would be EXTREMELY hideous compared to other drag queens. The primary reason for this being that I have absolutely no physical features that I consider to be, “pretty.”   Gay rights extremist activists, please calm down and refrain from making plans of lynching me using a noose made from a rainbow-colored thong.  I don’t possess any negative personal feelings towards the gay men who are generally known to dress up as drag queens.  If you are a guy who wants to put on make-up, wear wigs, dress up in skimpy outfits, shake your buns, strut your stuff on a stage and have sex with men afterwards, then go for it. Do whatever makes you content. I don’t care and quite frankly, it’s none of my business if you want to engage in this sort of behavior.  It’s just that in terms of attraction, I prefer women who actually are women.  If you are a man who dresses up like a woman, I will just think you look hideous, but it’s nothing personal.  On the bright side, you probably don’t appear as hideous as I would if I were dressed like a drag queen.

I would be the most hideous drag queen known to man.

So we had the final ultrasound performed last week and I was absolutely amazed with the quality of the pictures we were getting.  Technology has really excelled over the years. When my mother was pregnant with my 13 and 11 year old brothers, Shea and Brennan, they didn’t even appear to be human in their ultrasound pictures.  They looked like a couple of blobs or crunched up skeletons.  I think there was one picture where Brennan sort of resembled the well-preserved skeletal remains of a veloceraptor. That was the closest that any of them came to resembling a human.

During the ultrasound of my daughter last week, we were witnessing amazingly high-detailed images of her in Krystal’s womb.  From the moment the doctor rubbed jelly and a robot-dildo looking utensil across Krystal’s belly, my eyes were glued to the screen which displayed my daughter kicking around in her womb. 

The first thing I noticed was her cheeks.  Kaiya has chubby cheeks.  I had chubby cheeks when I was younger as well. In fact, I couldn’t go to my grandma McLaughlin’s house without her pinching my cheeks and telling me how much she loved my chubby cheeks.  Then I noticed her mouth. Looking at her from the front, she appears to have big lips.  I also have above-average sized lips.  Then I saw a profile picture of her face and she appeared to have the same facial structure as me.  Not to mention, her lips appeared very similar to mine when looking at them from a profile view as well as from the front.  Then came the nostrils.  My nostrils are a little bit more flared out than the common set of nostrils.  This is a characteristic that 2 of my brothers share with me.  From a profile view, they sort of resemble Beavis and Butthead’s nostrils. I have the cunning ability to flare my nostrils as wide as Dumbo flares his ears.  This is very evident in many Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave pictures I have posed in.  According to the ultrasound, Kaiya has these same exact nostrils.  After noticing this, I decided to momentarily unglue my eyes from the screen and look at Krystal to see if she also noticed that our baby girl seems to look exactly like me.  When I looked at Krystal, she had a huge, shit-eating grin on her face, and when she noticed me looking at her she said, “oh my God, she looks exactly like you. Look!!! Those are your nostrils!!!”  I responded to her with, “haha yeah, she uhh….does seem to resemble me quite a bit.”

On the way home from the appointment, Krystal and I laughed a lot about the results of the ultrasound.  It was pretty funny. However, I would be lying if I were to say I wasn’t a little bit worried at first.  Jokes about me being lucky that I am not a girl due to my physical appearance have been thrown at me forever.  So under those circumstances, I think it is normal to not want your daughter to resemble yourself.  For her sake.

Later that day I called my brother, Justin on the phone and explained to him how much my daughter resembled me according to the ultrasound images.  Justin responded with, “that is awesome bro! She is going to be a beautiful little girl!  You are a handsome guy, man!”  I replied with, “dude, do you really think that is awesome? People have always joked about how ugly I would be if I were a girl.  Imagine me as a drag queen, dude. I would be the most hideous drag queen known to man!” Justin then said, “yeah you would be a pretty hideous drag queen, but all drag queens are hideous, man.  Also, the fact that you would make a hideous drag queen is irrelevant to what your daughter is going to look like. Sure, your daughter may resemble you, but females obviously produce different hormones than males.  Therefore she may resemble you, but her hormones will supply her with a more naturally feminine version of your physical features.  You have great physical features, so don’t worry about it man, your daughter is going to be adorable!”  Justin’s optimistic words completely eased the silly wave of anxiety that I was momentarily experiencing.

Whether my daughter enters the world resembling me, her mother or just herself, I am certain that she will be a beautiful girl.  However, the most important thing is that she is loved unconditionally, which I guarantee she will be.

I take that back. Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave is the most hideous drag queen known to man.

There are only 3 reasons I came up with to explain why Rick "The Mullet Man" Suave would dress up like a drag queen; 1.) He competed in a drag show in an attempt to win money because he didn't collect enough money from beating up kids and stealing their money, 2.) He was working a street corner that night for some extra cash or 3.) He wanted to be turned on by himself like that Buffalo Bill creep in "Silence of the Lambs."

Oh yeah Rick!!! Work that ass!!!! Work it she-man!!!

UA-17029023-1